My sense of trust

In an attempt to cope with these overwhelming emotions, I mentally check out or feel numb most times. My mind can only handle so much anguish before it starts to dissociate. 

There is this muted, detached, dreamlike state where I just go through the motions on autopilot. It makes it difficult to process information and think clearly. This FUCKING FOG! The world seems so blurred and distant. 

Now It makes me question everything I was confident about - I was confident I understood all concepts, but I was also confident you will never break my trust, let alone multiple times.  

I have ended up doubting myself, my self respect and confidence is so deeply shaken that every day situations have become difficult because i have lost the ability to distinguish truth from lies. 

The very foundation of my reality feels fractured. Whenever i give my all to understand a topic, the information sends my mind spinning cos as I retrace memories and analyze interactions,im desperately trying to figure out what was real.

I sometimes wonder if m going crazy as moments of dissociation come and go.

My cognitive abilities are hampered with trust being broken so many times. I am so emotionally overwhelmed, and making sound decisions feels impossible. 

I am grappling as I see everyday how chill you are after all the torment you victimized me with, how smoothly you have already moved on going back to your everyday normal world YET leaving no opportunity to make me convincingly believe and second guess that all through 39 years of my life, my understanding of love and friendship is so delusional & wrong. 

That how different it is with me and your ego is so adamant to prove yourself right that you make a point by throwing low level futile conversation chats

 screenshots and calling it friendship. 

You know the worse of it all was you slapping me so hard on my face to even ask me if what I feel for you really is love or I am just obsessed with you.

How dare you to take my acts of forgiving your atrocities, always giving your tender age a benefit of doubt, by coming back to you as some "Obsession"?

Applaud! You have now made me believe that yes I am so weirdly different than everyone you know, that I am so abnormal and delusional because who in their right mind ever come back over and over. 

Now ny judgement is clouded by shifting emotions. What seems like the right choice one moment plunges adding to my emotional anguish and sevond guessing if i am disoriented. 

I expected myself to give my 100% in focusing on my studies to imbibe new concepts, the confidence i had in December that i am sure to crack the June exam – Now I doubt all I ever thought.  

And an even more challenging factor in all of this is that where I once had you, I have to suddenly face all of it alone, because in your definition of friendship being there to at least help me heal is not your fucking priority.  

I try so hard to genuinely focus to study for 6-7 hours only to stare at one page, I try so hard to attempt Quizzes I once excelled in but now I can’t even process any of it. You have hampered my cognitive abilities to the extent that I am zombie walking in a living nightmare. 

I am unable to trust my own perceptions, leaving me profoundly alone. You have got me to believe no one can understand what I'm going through because I too fucking dont know which moments shared with you were real. 

I feel alienated from you - you who betrayed me, once my closest confidante.

Betrayal trauma is the MOST devastating and MOST disorienting of traumas- even more than the trauma of the death of a loved one.

You didn't just devaste my opportunity to a brighter future, you didn't just terrorised my hope to have a partner, but you succeeded in making me lose my sense of trust. 

Celebrate this victory today on Easter. He has risen from dead, but he was there to see this all. 

He is Risen. He isn't here.

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.(Billy Crystal) . This speaks volumes. If anyone finds it funny they lack the emotional & intellectual acumen. 

Bunnies, eggs, Easter gifts and fluffy, yellow chicks in gardening hats all stem from pagan roots. They weren't written in the bible. 

They were incorporated into the celebration of Easter separately from the Christian tradition of honoring the day Jesus Christ rose from the dead.

To me the Easter egg symbolizes our ability to break out of the hardened, protective shell we’ve surrounded ourselves with. 

I offer my respect and gratitude to my best friend, Jesus by quoting from the bible: 

Mark 15:29-32

"People walking by insulted him, shaking their heads and saying, ‘Ha! So you were going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, were you? Save yourself and come down from that cross!’”

“In the same way, the chief priests were making fun of him among themselves, together with the legal experts. ‘He saved others,’ they said, ‘but he can’t save himself. Let the Christ, the king of Israel, come down from the cross. Then we’ll see and believe.’ Even those who had been crucified with Jesus insulted."

LUKE 23:44-47

"It was now about noon, and darkness covered the whole earth until about three o’clock, while the sun stopped shining. Then the curtain in the sanctuary tore down the middle."

"Crying out in a loud voice, Jesus said,

 ‘Father, into your hands I entrust my life.’ 

After he said this, he breathed for the last time. When the centurion saw what happened, he praised God, saying, ‘It’s really true: this man was righteous.

ACTS 3:15

"You killed the author of life, the very one whom God raised from the dead. We are witnesses of this."

JOHN 12:23-25

"The time has come. I assure you that unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it can only be a single seed. But if it dies, it bears much fruit. 

Those who love their lives will lose them, and those who hate their lives in this world will keep them forever."

If you don't understand the deeper meaning of these words, you haven't understood Jesus. 

Thank you, Jesus.  

Angel's Broken Wing

In the realm of heartache and sorrow,

There was an angel among humans,

Who only walked in your life to wipe those tears,

Who cuddled you everyday and promised to take away all your fears.

You can't handle the seeds of sin you sow,

I, an Angel couldn't abandon you until the day you asked me to go,

Despite your cruelty and brutality that puts Satan to shame, 

Aghast I was to hear, "It was your choice to stay, so why is it God that you blame?"

I know a storm is brewing,

But now I cannot fly to save you,

For I am an angel with broken wings,

Bound by the chains of earthly pain.

When it rains, you will find me in the raindrops,

I warned you not to create this fate if you only listened and stopped. 

Remember that time when for you I came, 

But now I am powerless to ease your pain.

I would have wrapped you in my wings,

Put you to sleep with my prayers to sing.

To shield you from the darkness, 

Oh, in many ways I showed you the miracle of humility and kindness. 

But you tore every feather of my selfless and pure love, 

Now even God feels my aches as I am asked to return to the heavens above.

Don't confuse Companionship with Friendship

In the midst of laughter and good times shared,
Mistakenly believing those around you cared,
They offer advice, a smile, a laugh,
But true friendship's depth you miss by half.

Thoughts clouded by smoke and haze,
Believing camaraderie in those days,
Yet the emptiness remains, a void so deep,
Alone in a crowd, a secret you keep.

Amidst seven billion souls, you feel alone,
Hiding in silence, in your own home,
Burying your face in a tear-stained pillow,
Screaming for help, drowning in sorrow.

Longing for a friend to be by your side,
To hold you close, in silence abide,
To listen to your cries, your fears and pain,
To offer solace in the midst of the rain.

Friendship, a bond so pure and true,
Only appreciated when felt in lieu,
Of the emptiness that surrounds your heart,
Aching for connection, torn apart.

We mistake it for friendship, a deeper bond,

But true companionship is easily undone.

When time is most convenient, we cling,

But when the winds of change blow, the reality isn't as it seem. 

The saddest poem is one of misplaced trust,

Of mistaking companionship for something just.

Friendship is a tapestry, woven with care,

Not a fleeting moment, not a passing flare.

So let us not confuse the two,

For companionship is not all that's true.

Seek out the friendships that withstand time,

For they are the ones that truly shine.

When A Friend Isn't there. When they don't care

Friendship isn't just a casual affair,

A fleeting moment of convenience in the air,

It's a bond that runs deep, a soulful share,

Of being there through joy and despair.

To be a friend is to listen with an open heart,

To feel the silent cries, to play a vital part,

In the lives of those we hold dear,

To offer solace, to wipe away each tear.

But when betrayal rears its ugly head,

And carelessness tarnishes what was once so well-bred,

The pain cuts deep, the wounds still raw,

As friendship crumbles, shattered by a flaw.

When a friend pleads for help, for a listening ear,

And all they receive is silence, a wall of fear,

The betrayal stings, the trust is broken,

And the bond once cherished is left unspoken.

So let us remember, in friendship's grand design,

That true connection transcends the confines of time,

It's about being there, through thick and thin,

Listening, caring, letting love win.

For in the end, what truly matters most,

Is the bond we share, the memories we boast,

Friendship isn't just a word we say,

It's a commitment to be there, come what may.

Like a Dust I whirled

In the quiet aftermath, 

It wasn't just the heart, even dreams were toyed. 

I was a specter of affection, once vivid, now destroyed.

I was the breeze that caressed your skin,

A passing wind, caring and gentle.

But winds must roam, and so you declared,

I was only a season; rejected and impaired.

A season I was, in the chronicle of your years,

So sure of "our love" to share it with your peers.

Sunday, I danced for love amongst the stars, 

Tuesday, you found it suddenly all so bizarre,

How clueless for what was to come,

The "Real You" that I was yet to learn,

How joyous I was, how unfazed,

When Wednesday came, you left me without a trace.

I came as salvation, a beacon in your night,

With open arms and a heart willing to make it all right.

Your sorrows, your tears, on my shoulder they lay,

From thunders and storms I will protect you, I prayed.

Now solitary and silent, here I stand.

For a sin you committed, never carved by my hand.

You left me in the ruins of my own generosity,

Abandoning every spirit of faith and loyalty. 

Was my presence so light, so easily dismissed?

Or was the weight of my love too heavy to hold?

For you dropped it like burden, an unwanted gift,

And left me to shiver in the cold.

You were the sculptor, and I, mere clay,

Molded with care, then shattered with ease.

I was the canvas, once vibrant and true,

Now a faded memory, like you never drew.

I gave you my all, the essence of me,

But was I ever more than a shadow to thee?

The saddest truth in this tale of demise,

Is every dream I weaved proved me unwise. 

For you erased me without a thought,

This memoir on love will now forever haunt.

The saddest poem is my unwritten verse,

Reminding me again of fate's unjust curse. 

Like dust, I danced in your sunbeams,

Gleefully whirling the currents of dreams

But with the slightest of gestures, your dismissive sigh,

As you poofed me away swiftly, saying goodbye.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

You ask me to not give up on love?

The world moves on, but not for me, 

I am entombed in a timeless pause, 

A spectator to life, a witness to death, Silently sinking, in this somber cause.

Unheard, unnoticed, I drift along, Amongst the living, yet eternally apart,

A mere whisper, a distant echo, 

This ghost of silence, alone in the heart.

 

The ghost of silence, guarding the memories we made.

And though I may be unseen and unheard, my presence lingers, in the depths of your soul, 

The silent witness, to all that we've lost, A reminder that even in silence, love still conquers it all.

- Vrushu

Farewell

In the quiet of the fading light,

We stand, two souls, with hearts so tight.

A whispered word, a tear that falls,

As time's relentless tide recalls.

Each moment shared, now just a memory,

Fades into the vast expanse of history.

The laughter, the joy, now tinged with sorrow,

As we face the unknown of tomorrow.

Farewell, my friend, my love, my all,

In this moment, we heed fate's call.

Though distance may stretch, and time may fly,

Know in my heart, you'll never truly die.

For in the echoes of our last goodbye,

A piece of you will forever lie.

And though the tears may blur my sight,

I'll hold you close, in the depths of night.

So let this parting be not the end,

But a chapter closed, to which we'll tend.

Until the day our paths align,

Farewell, my dear, until that time.

- Vrushu 

Echoes of Sorrow

In the hollow chambers of my heart,

Resides a pain that tears apart.

A silent scream, a whispered sigh,

As memories of love now bid goodbye.

Each beat aches with the weight of loss,

A symphony of sorrow, a bitter cross.

Echoes of laughter, now drowned in tears,

As the melody of joy fades into fears.

The echo of your voice, hauntingly clear,

Whispers of love that once drew near.

Now silence reigns, a cruel refrain,

As loneliness becomes my constant chain.

Oh, the agony of a shattered heart,

Torn asunder, ripped apart.

In the depths of despair, I find my home,

Lost in the darkness, forever to roam.

Yet amidst the pain, a glimmer of light,

A flicker of hope in the depths of night.

For even in sorrow, love still remains,

A beacon of solace amidst the rains.

So I'll carry this ache, this burden of woe,

And let the tears of sorrow flow.

For in the depths of heartache, I'll find my way,

And one day, perhaps, the pain will sway.

- Vrushu

Remnants of Childhood

When I see you, a flood of memories rush,

A cascade of moments, a whispered hush.

For in your eyes, I glimpse the past,

A childhood lost, too fleeting to last.

Your laughter echoes with the innocence of youth,

A time of wonder, of unspoken truth.

In your smile, I see the days gone by,

A treasure trove of memories that never die.

Yet with each glance, a pang of sorrow,

For time's cruel hand steals tomorrow.

The carefree days, now distant dreams,

Lost in the passage of life's streams.

Oh, how I long to hold onto the past,

To make time stand still, to make it last.

But like sand slipping through my fingers,

Childhood slips away, leaving lingering whispers.

So when I see you, dear one, know this truth,

You are a mirror reflecting my youth.

And though the years may fade away,

The memories of childhood will forever stay.

- Vrushu

Shadow Lost

When you stopped loving me, the child within wept,

Her laughter silenced, her innocence swept.

For in your absence, she found no solace,

Just echoes of pain in an empty palace.

With each goodbye, a piece of her faded,

In the darkness of loss, she became jaded.

Her once bright spirit, now dulled and dim,

As loneliness consumed her from within.

You robbed me of my own shadow, my guiding light,

Leaving me to wander in the depths of night.

No longer do I feel her presence near,

Just the haunting absence of what once was dear.

Oh, how I long to reclaim that part of me,

The child within who used to be free.

But you took her with you when you said goodbye,

Leaving me alone beneath the somber sky.

So now I walk this path, shadowless and bare,

Longing for the child who used to be there.

But she's gone, lost to the void of your leaving,

And I'm left with the ache of a soul grieving.

- Vrushu

Passing Wind

When you uttered those words, so cold and stark,

That the love we shared had withered and dark,

I felt as if all I received from your touch,

Was nothing but fleeting, a breeze in a rush.

The promises whispered, now shattered and torn,

Like petals of flowers by the tempest worn.

Each moment we shared, now hauntingly thin,

As if all we had built was built upon whim.

I thought your love was solid, a rock so grand,

But now it crumbles like grains of sand.

For what I held dear, what I thought was true,

Was nothing but a passing wind that blew.

In the silence that followed, I felt the chill,

Of love's departure, a void to fill.

All that remains are echoes of pain,

As I watch our love fade, like a dying flame.

So farewell to the love that once burned bright,

Now lost to the winds, out of sight.

For all that I received, all that I've known,

Was nothing but a passing wind, now gone.

- Vrushu

Will You Remember?

Will You Remember?

When my time has come, and I pass away,

Will you think of me, in that quiet day?

Will memories of laughter, of love, of tears,

Echo in your heart throughout the years?

Will you remember the moments we shared,

The dreams we chased, the burdens we bared?

Or will I become a fading sigh,

Lost in the depths of time gone by?

Will tears cascade down your cheeks so fair,

As you mourn the loss of what we once shared?

Or will you move on, without a thought,

Leaving behind the love we wrought?

I wonder if my absence will leave a trace,

A void in your heart, a silent space.

Or if I'll become a distant dream,

Fading into the silent stream.

But know this, dear one, wherever you roam,

In my heart, you'll always have a home.

And though I may be gone, never fear,

For my love for you will always be near.

So when the time comes for us to part,

Hold onto the memories, let them start.

And know that wherever my spirit may lie,

I'll be watching over you, from the sky.

- Vrushu

Irreplaceable Love

No one can love you as I do, my dear,

A love so deep, so pure, so sincere.

For in the depths of my heart, you reside,

A bond unbreakable, impossible to hide.

When I am gone, and others come near,

You'll feel the void, the absence, the fear.

For none can compare to the love we shared,

A love so special, so rare, so cared.

They may offer affection, warmth, and grace,

But none can fill the empty space.

For the love I gave you was one of a kind,

A treasure lost, impossible to find.

So as time passes and life moves on,

You'll search for a love that's forever gone.

And though others may try, you'll always see,

None can love you like me, none can be.

So hold onto the memories we made,

In your heart, let them never fade.

For in the echoes of our love so true,

You'll find solace in knowing I loved you.

- Vrushu

Why do you cry reading my words?

If my poems bring you pain, a bitter sting,

Do you comprehend what my absence will bring?

A void so vast, a darkness profound,

Where echoes of your laughter are never found.

For in the silence left by my departure's chill,

You'll find emptiness that time can't fill.

No words, no verses, can capture the ache,

Of a heart left broken, a soul left opaque.

You'll search for solace in memories past,

But find only shadows where love once cast.

The echoes of my presence, hauntingly near,

Reminding you of what you once held dear.

And as days turn to weeks, and weeks to years,

You'll feel the weight of unshed tears.

For my absence will linger, a ghostly shroud,

A constant reminder of love disavowed.

So if my poems evoke such sorrow, you see

Imagine the pain of life without me.

For in my absence, your soul will be lost,

Adrift in a sea of longing, a tempest tossed.

- Your Vrushu

Nothingness

These eyes, wide open, have lost their flame,

Gazing into voids, where despair lays claim.

No spark within, no light to chase,

Soul's bright luster lost in darkness' embrace.

Carved from sorrow’s quarry, still and stark,

Lips sealed, cheeks slack, devoid of life’s spark.

Immovable, now too tired to fight

Alone I stand, on all endless nights.

Dreams once soared, as eagles high above,

Wild ambitions burned, kindled in love.

Now but specters in memory's silent plea,

Laughter's echo, joy's shade, all but flee.

In the alley of darkness, "hope" lost its way.

Im a beggar with an empty bowl, broken, cannot mend.

The heart's pulse, now quiet and spent,

In the cold, bitter silence it endures the dent.

So here I dwell, all coming nights,

A shadow's shadow, faded from sight.

Where dreams once danced, in the light of day,

Now only the whispers of their spirits sway.

For you, my love, were the shifting sand,

Eroding the earth where I stood grand.

In the silent guard, I'm so lost in debt

My soul so hollow, alone, I'm left.

Where once there blazed a fire so wild,

Now rests the quiet of a life exiled.

The laughter's ghost, happiness's shade,

In all-consuming pain, are now arrayed.

I am the nothingness, desire's cold grave,

A vessel of the void, no more brave.

No more to feel the warmth of day,

In this numb cocoon, silent I stay.

- Vrushu

Death

Dying isn't when the heart stops its beat,

But when emotions fade with love's defeat.

It's when the spark within grows dim,

And life's vibrant colors turn to grim.

When laughter no longer dances in my eyes,

And every smile becomes a disguise.

When the warmth of touch feels cold and hollow,

And I'm left adrift in a sea of sorrow.

Dying is when I no longer feel,

When numbness replaces what used to heal.

It's the silent scream of a soul in pain,

Lost in the shadows, longing for rain.

Dying isn't just the end of breath,

It's the loss of feeling, the embrace of death.

- Vrushu

Regret

In the silence of my absence, you'll hear the echoes ring,

Whispers of a love once lost, a song that could have been.

You'll sift through memories like grains of sand,

Longing for the touch of my once-weathered hand.

In the quiet of the night, when darkness shrouds your bed,

You'll feel the weight of regret, heavy on your head.

For in the depths of solitude, you'll come to see,

The love you never cherished, the love you never freed.

You'll search for me in crowded streets, in every passing face,

But find only shadows of a love you can't replace.

And as time marches on, a relentless, steady beat,

You'll realize the depth of love lost, in a heart's silent defeat.

But alas, my love, it's too late to turn back time,

To rewrite the pages of love's unfinished rhyme.

For I've journeyed beyond, to a place heavenly unknown,

Leaving you to mourn the love you should have shown.

For even after death, I am

 in the wind, for my love will not cease.

Caressing your skin, your hair, you will feel my love's sweet breeze.

- Vrushu 

Silence

Bound by chains of shattered dreams,

Forgiveness flowed in endless streams.

Like toilet paper, I'm torn and worn,

Used and discarded, left forlorn.

They wiped their sins upon my soul,

Left me tainted, broken, and cold.

How many times must I endure,

The agony, the pain obscure?

To love unconditionally, so pure,

Yet receive naught but disdain, impure.

Each plea for pardon, a venomous dart,

Piercing through my tender heart.

But in the darkness, cold and stark,

The cruelty lingered, left its mark.

In moments of need, they turned to me,

For comfort, love, and empathy.

But once their thirst was quenched, you see,

They tossed me aside, heartlessly.

With bleeding heart, I took the blow,

Each cruel word, each damning blow.

Inhumanity, a bitter pill,

Swallowed whole, against my will.

Yet still, forgiveness I instill,

As love's flame flickers, fragile still.

Bound by chains of relentless deceit,

Forgiveness granted, a bitter defeat.

A cycle of torment, an endless repeat,

Forgiveness offered, in silence, discreet.

My 

Each forgiveness granted, a bitter pill,

As they returned to use me at will.

Yet the torment continued to take its toll,

As my heart withered, black as coal.

But in the end, what do I gain?

A heart in tatters, filled with pain.

The plea for forgiveness, a haunting cry,

Echoing through the night, as tears run dry.

But beneath the surface, a silent sigh,

As love's ember fades, and hope runs dry.

Forgiveness granted, yet peace declined,

As I'm left alone, with a shattered mind.

In shadows deep, where love once gleamed,

I stood alone, in silence, deemed

- Vrushu

Every Lifetime

In every lifetime, I'll seek your face,

Lost in the echoes of time and space.

Through the fog of hope , I'll strive to find,

The love that once bound our souls entwined.

In the silent whispers of these endless nights,

I'll call out your name, to make it all right.

In the silent depths of my shattered dreams,

I'll search for you, lost in endless streams.

In every lifetime, I'll yearn for your touch,

But fear emptiness, a void too much.

In the depths of despair, I'll drown in sorrow,

Knowing you're gone, with no tomorrow.

Though your love did hurt, I couldn't let go,

For in your absence, my heart beats slow.

- Vrushu

Echoes Of Love

In silent rooms where echoes weep,

And shadows dance where dreams once sleep.

A solitary figure, bent and worn,

With heavy heart and spirit torn.

A symphony of tears endlessly cascades,

Through these lonely nights and empty days.

The echoes of a love now so lost,

A heartache's toll, an endless cost.

Oh, how the stars weep in the sky,

As darkness reigns, the tears run dry.

A heart once full, now hollow, and bare,

Lost in the depths of lifetime despair.

Memories like shards of glass,

Cut deep within, the pain that lasts.

Each breath a struggle, each moment cold,

In sorrow's grip, the soul is sold.

Deception

In the depths of the night, where shadows roam,

Whispers of deceit, a silent groan.

Masked in smiles, but eyes betray,

Truth obscured, in the games played.

Deception's dance, a dangerous game,

Hearts entangled, in lies aflame.

But illusions fade, when the light shines through,

Revealing the falsehoods, that once we knew.

Words like honey, sweet and pure,

But beneath the surface, motives obscure.

Promises broken, like fragile glass,

In the tangled web, we're trapped, alas.

Deception's grip, a tightening hold,

Leaving scars, where trust once strolled.

Yet through the pain, we learn to see,

The masks we wear, and who we'll be.

Oh, the price we pay, for truths untold,

In the labyrinth of lies, our souls grow cold.

But courage rises, from ashes of fear,

To break the chains, and make truth clear.

Deception's veil, may cloud the way,

But in the end, we'll find our say.

For honesty's light, will always shine,

Guiding us home, through the darkest of times.

Vrushali Deshpande

An Illusion

In shadows veiled, a phantom's guise,

Loved by many, yet elusive eyes.

Through whispered lies, they weave their way,

Escaping truths, they dare not stay.

Their lips, a vessel of deceit,

Smoothly spoken, to all they meet.

Betraying trust with practiced art,

Leaving broken pieces, hearts apart.

In silence, they shroud their fears,

Refusing solace, shedding tears.

Abandoning bonds with callous ease,

Breaking hearts, they freely seize.

Yet still, they wander, ever free,

Leaving behind a trail of debris.

For those who dare to love and trust,

Beware the one who leaves in dust.

Vrushali Deshpande 

A Broken Promise

In silken words, they paint their tale,

Smooth lies that never seem to fail.

With practiced grace, they spin their thread,

Betraying trust with words unsaid.

Promises made, yet soon undone,

In shadows deep, their deceit is spun.

"I'll change," they vow, with earnest plea,

But history whispers, "It cannot be."

Repeatedly they break the bond,

Leaving hearts wounded, scarred and conned.

Yet each time, they beg for pardon,

Their words like honey, sweet and hardened.

But trust erodes with every lie,

Leaving behind a weary sigh.

For those who falter, again, they say,

Beware the one who leads astray.

Vrushali Deshpande