I seek for noise in a pub than music hoping it will tranquilize my mind and I will be alas in a thoughtless state. I seek for darkness in the ambience than any light wanting to be lost in a place that cannot show me any way for one day. Spirit does not calm my nerves; larger circle of so called friends does not help me distract. I realize that at the end of the day, I am so lost in the thoughtless world that I only accumulate more emptiness within me. It is this moment that I ask,
"What is that one thing that I do which truly makes me happy?". This is exactly the time when I can best describe what going blank is really about.
These hopeless hang outs only indicate escapism; and this escapism is something towards I still proclaim I am not aware of.
Someone who knows me in person went through this blog and he was amazed at my writing style. While he perceived me to be an extremely positive person which stands true in every sense, he wondered why the blend of such words on my blog.
I once again did not have an answer to his question and tried to close the topic by adding words that logically made no sense to me.
I live my life so consciously that I am in complete realization of my action, reaction and the decision that goes behind it. I would be the biggest liar if I say life has been cruel to me. While I know things around me are fine, there still is a void that keeps eating me from inside. Quest for this goes on!
Often in life we try hard to forget a tragic incident or a person whose memories will give us no happiness. In this trial, we consciously let the thing go; it however remains stored somewhere in our subconscious mind. Later in life you experience a strange vacuum within you and you cannot help but wonder what is it really that you are running away from. Written by Vrushali Deshpande
Every time you meet the wrong one who breaks your heart miserably, a loved one comes into your life and showers a ray of hope – telling you that whatever happens, happens for good and there’s a better person to come in your life; an angel as you may call, would be one day standing right before you.
Every time I fell for these words, I left my pessimism behind, tried not to generalize people, just simply gave one more chance for love to enter in my life. In vain, I realized either I always loved the wrong ones or I am too wrong in letting the right one to come in my life. The more I hoped to be optimistic towards relationships, the more I chose to question my decisions and improve in life for good.
Often we hope for that right one to come and every time we feel he’s the one, the next moment we are deceived. A relationship can never break because of a new girl friend in his life, but it does when she is able to offer him which you cannot. He leaves you not for another girl, but because you cannot give him what he desires. At the end, it’s fair for both of you.
All these years I introspected every day of my life, evaluating every action and reaction of mine; felt guilty when I chose to be plainly arrogant with someone nice; felt good and yet stayed quiet when I realized I contributed to a good gesture. Eventually, I uplifted in my own eyes for having committed least sins; for never cheating on anyone.
Today an angel stands right before me and while I was too busy brooding over past and being involved in materialistic world, I did not realize even his shadow around me. Today he opens his arms towards me and I hug him with love in my heart, yet never letting my soul love him the way I learnt of love in my life. Today, I break his trust in me, walking on the path where I have no reasoning for my action. Today I committed a sin which I thought was never a part of me.
I realize that it is never any greatness that made me to stay away from sins; it simply is my cowardice to never have enough courage to answer to the person within me. If there’s anyone who can truly destroy me; who can punish me; who can make me feel miserable about my actions; who can make my soul feel dead, then it simply is me.
Written by Vrushali Deshpande
I give maximum hours of my life working for a company which means nothing to me as soon as I get back home. I give to it my patience; I give my calmness; I give my respect and at the end of the day I am left with none of it. Routinely, I surrender myself in dark trying to look for peace in my silence.
Most problems do not occur to us because we are good or bad human beings to people; most problems occur to us when there is a big difference between what we truly are and what we show to people. People never leave us for what we are; people leave us for the way we are to them.
Arguments do not take place because there is difference of opinion; arguments take place because one does not wish to listen to another. People never fight with us because they think we did wrong to them; people fight with us because there is a big difference in what we gave to them and what they expected from us.
Often I wonder how many people I have disappointed in life and the word infinite says it all. Some experiences are bitter and to not have them repeated in our life we choose to react differently from the way we are. Most blunders happen when we do not understand who deserves to know the real person within us and who deserves to know the person we are to the majority world.
These bitter experiences with some people; this immune reaction of ours before most people and yet shouts this craving to express and live the way we truly are.
Most complications to living life do not occur because of the bad experiences we had; most complications to living life occur when we lose too much faith in people to show them what we truly are.
Written by Vrushali Deshpande
Suffocation starts to build up when for the whole of your life you have curbed your desires and have set a rule for each of them. Every time I let my feeling out, I think more of the consequence than the desire; every time I wish to set my soul free, I am assured my conscience would not let me survive in peace the next day. Sometimes I wonder if what keeps us away from expressing our feeling is conscience or values and the time I use the word ‘values’, I feel I am taking support of few words most Indians use when they do not have an answer to the situation and end up backing it up in the name of Indian culture.
Sometimes I wonder what is so wrong in getting just attracted to someone and feeling the moment; sometimes I ponder if every time I curb it, am I doing it purely for myself or am I too scared to be answerable to anyone in future. Some times I think if I am doing it to save my self from any guilt the next day and choose to be in peace or if I am saving it for ‘the one’ who is meant to be. The more I think, the more I become alien to the situation.
Love is important and no attraction can prolong without love being into it; to love means to give great amount of your ‘self’ to ‘the one’. I do not express myself before people because I do not want them to know the ways they can hurt me. The more I become mysterious to them, the more they try to read me.
I have had ample of words, and a variety of combinations of these words that have helped me to express my emotions. Today I have gone too deep in my emotions that I feel words do not justify them anymore; that they do not bring forward the exact feeling I go through.
Today I have reached a stage where I fall short of words to even explain things to myself.
Written by Vrushali Deshpande
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