In an attempt to cope with these overwhelming emotions, I mentally check out or feel numb most times. My mind can only handle so much anguish before it starts to dissociate.
There is this muted, detached, dreamlike state where I just go through the motions on autopilot. It makes it difficult to process information and think clearly. This FUCKING FOG! The world seems so blurred and distant.
Now It makes me question everything I was confident about - I was confident I understood all concepts, but I was also confident you will never break my trust, let alone multiple times.
I have ended up doubting myself, my self respect and confidence is so deeply shaken that every day situations have become difficult because i have lost the ability to distinguish truth from lies.
The very foundation of my reality feels fractured. Whenever i give my all to understand a topic, the information sends my mind spinning cos as I retrace memories and analyze interactions,im desperately trying to figure out what was real.
I sometimes wonder if m going crazy as moments of dissociation come and go.
My cognitive abilities are hampered with trust being broken so many times. I am so emotionally overwhelmed, and making sound decisions feels impossible.
I am grappling as I see everyday how chill you are after all the torment you victimized me with, how smoothly you have already moved on going back to your everyday normal world YET leaving no opportunity to make me convincingly believe and second guess that all through 39 years of my life, my understanding of love and friendship is so delusional & wrong.
That how different it is with me and your ego is so adamant to prove yourself right that you make a point by throwing low level futile conversation chats
screenshots and calling it friendship.
You know the worse of it all was you slapping me so hard on my face to even ask me if what I feel for you really is love or I am just obsessed with you.
How dare you to take my acts of forgiving your atrocities, always giving your tender age a benefit of doubt, by coming back to you as some "Obsession"?
Applaud! You have now made me believe that yes I am so weirdly different than everyone you know, that I am so abnormal and delusional because who in their right mind ever come back over and over.
Now ny judgement is clouded by shifting emotions. What seems like the right choice one moment plunges adding to my emotional anguish and sevond guessing if i am disoriented.
I expected myself to give my 100% in focusing on my studies to imbibe new concepts, the confidence i had in December that i am sure to crack the June exam – Now I doubt all I ever thought.
And an even more challenging factor in all of this is that where I once had you, I have to suddenly face all of it alone, because in your definition of friendship being there to at least help me heal is not your fucking priority.
I try so hard to genuinely focus to study for 6-7 hours only to stare at one page, I try so hard to attempt Quizzes I once excelled in but now I can’t even process any of it. You have hampered my cognitive abilities to the extent that I am zombie walking in a living nightmare.
I am unable to trust my own perceptions, leaving me profoundly alone. You have got me to believe no one can understand what I'm going through because I too fucking dont know which moments shared with you were real.
I feel alienated from you - you who betrayed me, once my closest confidante.
Betrayal trauma is the MOST devastating and MOST disorienting of traumas- even more than the trauma of the death of a loved one.
You didn't just devaste my opportunity to a brighter future, you didn't just terrorised my hope to have a partner, but you succeeded in making me lose my sense of trust.
Celebrate this victory today on Easter. He has risen from dead, but he was there to see this all.
