Final Chapter - Part 2

When I'm in my depression, darkness is my life. Thoughts swirl around me, and I am engulfed by despair. My battered mind and soul are confused and weakened, unable to fight off dark thoughts. The only glimmer of hope is that death will finally bring the peace I so desperately seek. I'm supposed to be able to wipe these thoughts out of my mind just by ignoring them—but this is not as easy as it sounds, when suicide feels like the only option for relief.

Final Chapter - Part 1

Detachment from life is all I know. I have no feelings of happiness or sadness. Disconnection with reality has left me in a zombie state of mind. Life passes me by without any recollection. The only things I believe to be real are my tears. Loneliness from the outside world is my sanctuary because within my own darkness, I am safe from the outside.

True Self

I have come to realise that people aren't what they show they are. They live in a delusional world where they like to believe they are good human beings. I am not saying there isn't good in them. There definitely is but how you deal in your tough circumstances truly brings out the real you. 

Lonely in Lockdown

You never know what life shows you and nothing can be an apt example than this 1.5 years of Covid lockdown. After April 2009 when recession hit Globally, I never knew getting a productive and competitive job will be such a big challenge. Things did go pretty much as planned until 2019 and like many I had no idea what this lockdown will do to me psychologically. 

It is an everyday struggle to self motivate and convince myself after many rejections that I am not useless. It is a rigorous effort to sustain self confidence when somewhere subconsciously, I do have a feeling it isn't how it used to be for over a decade. Am I losing touch ? Will I forget what I learnt ? These questions may seem silly because that is like asking a past swimmer if he/she remembers to swim at all. 

In this 1.5 years phase, I have never felt more lonelier. Everytime I attempted to express my feelings, I was immediately told to be positive. How about listening to me for a change and understanding why I feel the way I feel? Everytime I attempted to express my fears and doubts, I was told to stop thinking negative. 

Well ! Lockdown does that to the best of the best optimistic person. I never did recall doubting myself, being in fear of the future because I don't want to be  dependent being an adult. One thing that always remained intact was my self confidence and it still is somewhere. I don't know for how long. 

This journey is lonelier. Tears are shed secretly when no one can watch and I wish there was at least one person before whom I can cry my heart out and throw up the poison that's spreading inside since 1.5 years. 

Disowned by the Self

This void that I feel in every moment of my being is filled just a little by someone. These screams that mute the conversations in my mind is intensely painful than the commotion of my thoughts itself.

For seven years, I found comfort in separating my soul from my body because I couldn't bear to accept even the vibration of love and care. The self I allowed to be somehow feels betrayed now because loneliness, detachment and being ascetic was my eternal vow to the person.

I am in the fear of regretting it because I am afraid the only thing left, that is my emptiness, will not accept me later based on the excuse of regret. 

I am on the edge of darkness, no more afraid to fall but troubled with the feeling of possible pain. As tears roll down, I fail to realise the reason behind this piercing in my heart. With that someone, all of it disappears and the aches begin yet again in their absence. 

It's surreal to receive love because for once I don't doubt it's purity. And because it is surreal, I am afraid that even my loneliness won't accept me again for betraying it once.

I am mentally exhausted waiting for answers despite being certain of what harm it will do to me. Not self harm but lost in a world I can never come back from. 

I am tired smiling even when the person makes me happy from within but with each smile, I doubt it's longetivity and all that I feel creeps in back again. 

I could only hope this person resided within me to make completeness my absolute permanence. But then again, it's surreal, isn't it? 

Love comes with pain

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When you love someone more than you love yourself, you want to give them everything you have. When they hurt you, you can't hate them. You just can't hate because the love is so much. 

We were destined to meet and give love to each other for at least sometime. In the process, we ended up hurting each other. But love isn't that fades away with pain and betrayal. Love is tested in its most difficult times, when things aren't as pleasant as you would hope.

Sometimes when the agony is too much, you have to take a step back and remember that you were friends before you fell in love with each other. Love is friendship. Love is respect and Love is trust. 

If we don't have friendship, respect and trust between us, there cannot be love left. 

Love does give us pleasure but it also comes with pain. There is no strong relationship that never suffered through its journey. 

Today, my tears are choking in my throat and I am suffering to cry my heart out. But I am unable to cry, I choose to punish myself by burying the pain inside me. 

My heart loves you too much that it doesn't want to ask you the reason you got so detached from me one day and held me responsible for no fault of mine.

I read our chats so many times today and I know I didn't have the courage to delete the chats because that's my only memory of you.  Today the same chats pierce through my heart, causing a lot of heartache. But how can I stop reading them? What else do I have of you?

When I open the chat to read, tears roll down my eyes and I go on scrolling up to read your messages full of love and care. My broken heart tells me to stop reading because there's so much love in your messages and my heartache increases with each message.

But I went on reading until I threw my phone away from uncontrollable tears. 

You gave me the hope of togetherness. You made me dream our future together. I am not hurt because I love you. I am hurt because I know you truly loved me. Your love was not a lie and that is not something I will get anymore. 

My heart wants you to achieve a lot of success in life. My soul wants all your dreams to come true. 

What will hurt me more is if you are sad. Never hate yourself for any reason. Make good out of your life, achieve your ambitions and be happy. 

Just remember in one corner of the world someone can never stop loving you. 

Being Happy

The decision to forgive yourself or somebody else is a vote to live in the present moment. When we won't forgive ourselves, we are actually choosing to stay on a guilt trip so we can put ourselves through some extra mental anguish. 

When we withhold forgiveness, we suffer.

Most people remember compliments for a few minutes and insults for years. They become garbage collectors, carrying around trash that was thrown at them twenty years ago.

We all live our lives the best way we know how. We make a lot of mistakes along the way. Sometimes we act on misinformation, sometimes we do stupid things, but we are still doing it the best way we know. 

Nobody opens his eyes the moment he is born and thinks, "Great! Here is my big chance to go out and screw up my life!"

Being happy requires looking for good things. One person sees the beautiful view, and the other sees the dirty window. You choose what you see and you choose what you think.

The Self You Don't Recognize

It's been a while I met myself,

It feels like yesterday when I asked for help.

I am not sure who within me I will meet next;

I wished if I didn't have to live on an edge.

Some say, they understand me.

I wonder which part they do that I don't see.

It's not about saying harsh things I don't mean.

It's about facing a person within me who has never been.

Life's a Game of Chess

 You will meet those people who will try to get to you,

Just for how long will you take it, given they are quite a few.

Someday your silent tolerance will break into an outburst of intense rage.

Their narcissism craves for your reaction, I guess you have already gauged.

They play dirty because they know it affects you,

And they triumph with your emotional reactions. See just how easily they play you!

You must know their intent is to drown you to defeat,

Very smoothly they will win the trust of others and leave you to take the heat.

You may choose to look at relationships as 'Black' and 'White',

Better! See yourself on the Chessboard of life with a hawk sight.

You can't win any war alone,

But it's always best to let them think you have no one.

Life's a game of Chess which you can only learn at your pace.

Choose to get defeated by the opponent and blame it on fate!

Or learn the Moves to protect yourself from checkmate.

Today that I am

Each breath that I take today feels like the overweight body trying to lift itself up. Yet my attempts do not fail to try each moment that I suffer noticeably. Today, it is not the same as I used to be; the strong, willful, joyous, talkative person who once lived life with a laugh that was so easily understood as happiness. Today, the smile is that to strangers disguised as friends, the laugh is suffering deep within wanting to explode in tears. Today, who that I am is the one I never met before. 

Perception

Truth and honesty is homeless creatures in a world where the human species find their existence so alien.

What a human wants can never really be answered because the similarity of the brain the structure is relatively (not wholly) irrelevant psychologically to the mind's way of processing information.

The difference between knowing someone and perceiving them to be someone is that the former follows the latter.

Perception? Funny because an error of judgment, an act of prejudice, a set of preconceived notions can drastically impact your perception towards someone; and the level of emotional intensity, you have in your mind towards them influences and renews your concept of perception. 

Subconsciously at least, your perception and its meaning changes with each experience, no matter how big or small.

Your Silence

 Your silence often makes me feel as if you are just a figment of my imagination. That I question if you exist for real because I write to you.

Your silence sometimes makes me feel that my being must be some sort of a delusion. That I question if I even exist for you to respond to. 

Kind words were just not spoken; kindness was always exhibited - some times lovingly and other times out of helplessness. 

Do not confuse me to be talkative because I use many words and the most selfless gesture has always been unsaid. 

I do not have it in me to speak the most important of the things I do for you and I have it in me to endure this suffering in silence. Because everything I did and say was from the deepest 'whole' that lives in me and not just a 'part' of me. 

 Do not confuse my helplessness as my outrage and my love as mere empty words because you do not have the slightest clue when I tear myself into pieces to give you things you'll never see, feel and touch today because it is for your tomorrow. 

 That tomorrow when my being will simply be a delusion but your existence will never be a figment of my imagination. 

 

Your Conquest

So unaware of what I'll behold; surreal of your being and yet evidently dazzled.

The concourse so unnoticed; how stupidly unaware if I was mesmerized or baffled.

Your every step felt so undulating; your presence so fresh with a mystical breeze.

I observed you covertly but your intense piercing eyes just made me freeze.

All the lights fade as the spotlight glides towards you; yet you shone so much brighter.

And as you sat you there so sweetly quiet, I heard the voice of a captivating orator.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Truth

Truth fades so quickly when human emotions overpower everything that it could be.

And the fine difference between what it is and what you think it is is nothing but a creation in your mind.

It is nothing but a story you want to hear.
The story you may like or you may dislike.
There are people who do not want to know what it is to be called truth.
And most people argue there is nothing called truth.

But when I inhale and close my eyes and I have an empty slate in my mind, I believe I get closer to the truth.

The truth that is not defensive,
The truth that is not argumentative,
The truth is not proving anyone wrong or anyone right.
That truth sits somewhere within us wanting to be accepted.
But human emotions and our thoughts cover its presence so well that it's sheer existence right within us goes unnoticed.
And we learn to live a life that has no place for anything but a story that we want to hear.

A story that can make us cry,
A story that can make us smile,
So it is not what it is,
It is what we want it to be.
The illusion that we live in fades so quickly that we do not even realize that during the argument between right and wrong, the truth is neither a witness nor an alleged criminal,
That truth is neither a lawyer nor a judge.

In the courtroom drama of life, we fight for the most important thing.
To some it is to love, to others it is money.
But no one's here for truth because it is not about what it is, it is about what you want it to be.

Choice To Be

Being by yourself, being alone, being lonely, being quiet, being reserved has nothing to do with unhappiness.

This is not a lack of happiness.
This is your choice to be.

Some people fill that gap,
Some people hide well enough,
Some people wear the mask of pretense to tell the world that they are okay.
To stop the world from asking if anything is wrong.

It is not the circumstances or the state of mind in itself that leads someone to the state of aloofness.
Aloneness mostly comes from avoidance of the question if everything is alright.
Does everything need to be alright?
And for that matter what is it to be alright?

Some people laugh. They may not smile from within.
They may not be happy from the inside but they laugh.
They laugh to tell the world they are okay.
That no one has to ask them the question if everything is alright.

There are people who once wanted to know if others cared enough.
Then I guess a time came when they actually wanted you to ask that question if everything is alright.

They waited for years and then they shut down their thoughts, their emotions, their feelings.
And what you get from them now is just a superficial layer of normalcy,
And beneath that pretense of being ordinary lies the biggest delusion of dishonesty.

Escape

An escape from something that I have not seen, I have not heard, but I have lived, but I have felt.

An escape that seems so close to a dive into an empty space,
Where nothing can be found, nothing can be felt, nothing can be heard, nothing can be lived.

I look for that empty space with no hope, with no strength, with no will.
But I find this empty space to escape into something that I will never face again, that I will never live again.