Smiling Tears - An Expression of Life
Smiling Tears - An Expression of Life
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I write after a very long time. Do you know it is true that every human gets that feeling just before it happens. Before everything in life finally stops. The relief after being suffocated..... is another life. I wanted to be needed. Being loved is a luxury. I am not like them. I am not you. I was true. I know it's so difficult to love me. How do i know? because no one can be worse than i am with myself. I am not even as useful as a toilet paper is. I cannot equate myself with trash because it too was once relevant before becoming irrelevant. I chose to never marry because my father said if it was him even he wouldn't have married me. I don't want to give a background because that will portray him negatively. I say to him he's right. I always wanted to be a mother. But am too scared to give life to a soul. I knew someone for over a decade. I knew myself for over four. I never ask WHY when people leave me. Because every single human has convinced me of my uselessness. I have nothing against anyone. It doesn't matter what anyone did. Be free to abuse me,blame me for everything. But don't walk into a broken person's life. Don't tell them they are a good soul. Don't tell them how kind they are for over a decade. Don't make them believe they are lovable. Why build hope and give them life. Didn't I always say I am a mistake? --- Written by Vrushali Deshpande

I am scared of 7th August.  

The day I was born but also lost. 

15 years ago came the night I regreted being born at all. 

At sharp 12 am, I stood so small.

“Go ahead,” I said, “hit me again.”

And he did.

A slap for a gift.

A wound where joy should’ve been.


So I stopped celebrating.

I stopped pretending.

What’s the point of marking a day

that only reminds me

I came into this world

just to be hurt again?


And then—you came.

With light in your voice and warmth in your laugh.

You stitched my soul in little ways.

Made birthdays feel like they could stay.


Camping trips. Poolside talks. 

Just simple things, and silent walks. 

But to me, they were life again.

And slowly, slowly, I whispered,

“Thank God she hasn’t left me yet.”


For years I waited to feel safe.

You made me believe I finally was.

You weren’t just a friend.

You were a vow,

a constant,

A place for me-  I never thought I would have.


So when I asked you—gently—

to just call my parents

and let them hear the joy in your voice,

I wasn’t asking for a parade.

I was asking for respect.

For remembrance.

That you too were family.


But you didn’t call.

And when I bled honesty— 

you flipped the script, and called me unkind. 

And now,

on the day that once brought bruises,

and then briefly brought hope,

I am back to the place

I promised myself I’d never return.


Except now, the ache is louder.

Because you knew.

You knew what that slap meant.

You knew I had stopped celebrating.

You were the one who taught me to smile again.


And then you left.

Without a goodbye.

It wasn't abandonment

It was cruelty wrapped in imprisonment.


You turned your back—

and now the best friend who helped me stand

has become the reason

I’ve fallen harder,  

Much more shattered than I ever did before.


---- Dedicated to someone I trusted to never leave. The one who was my best friend,  my family. 



In the shadows of fear, I dwelled for years.

Afraid to love, consumed by my tears.

But then you appeared like an angel in need.
And I found the courage to help; to lead.

I gave you my all; my heart and my soul.
Willing to go to any length to make you whole.
With pure love, care & unwavering devotion.
I lifted you up from the depths of emotion.

Yet despite the promises the vows we made.
You abandoned me leaving my heart frayed.
Pleading for trust with one final plea.
Only to leave me broken again in misery.

That day my soul howled in agonizing pain.
As I watched my love slip away so callously in vain.
You shattered my spirit & left me to decay.
A hollow existence with nothing to say.

Your words so sweet poisoned my trust.
Always begging forgiveness yet betrayal is a must,
For you showed me the truth I wished not to see,
That in this relationship there's no more 'We'.

Each promise you made a dagger in my chest.
Each lie you spun a cruel heartless jest.
You sucked the essence of me, leaving me bare,
A hollow shell, with nothing to spare.

No innocence remains, that child is no more. 
Why give life when you so quickly walked out the door? 
I never could imagine you will do worse than them, 
I can no more face her,  I feel so much shame. 

So I m forgiving you the last time, I am setting you free,
What you lost isn't just rare, I know God will have you see. 
No tears left to shed ; no anger to ignite.
Just emptiness lingering in the dead of night.

I am now but a vessel devoid of life's zest.
I am only a mere shadow, with no heart in my chest.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

 There is intense pain you will never be able to feel.

You hurt me so casually, leaving me with trauma alone to heal.

You apologised countless times for the countless inhumanities.

But there’s nothing you did to help me cope, other than showing me your reality.

Despite the torture and agony at your end, I still love and care for you.

I think it is high time I close this chapter to let you find someone in my lieu.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

An escape from something that I have not seen, I have not heard, but I have lived, but I have felt.

An escape that seems so close to a dive into an empty space,
Where nothing can be found, nothing can be felt, nothing can be heard, nothing can be lived.

I look for that empty space with no hope, with no strength, with no will. As the men in black robes stand outside my door, I curl up in fear wiping my tears. 

Once in this empty space i will be not lost but gone forever in a deep black hole.

Written by Vrushali 
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Vrushali Deshpande
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