Last Conversation

I write after a very long time. Do you know it is true that every human gets that feeling just before it happens. Before everything in life finally stops. The relief after being suffocated..... is another life. I wanted to be needed. Being loved is a luxury. I am not like them. I am not you. I was true. I know it's so difficult to love me. How do i know? because no one can be worse than i am with myself. I am not even as useful as toilet paper. I cannot equate myself with trash because it too was once relevant before becoming irrelevant. I chose to never marry because my father said if it was him even he wouldn't have married me. I don't want to give a background because that will portray him negatively. I say to him he's right. I always wanted to be a mother. I am too scared to give life to a soul. I knew someone for over a decade. I knew myself for 42 years. I never ask WHY when people leave me. Because every single human has convinced me of my uselessness. I have nothing against anyone. It doesn't matter what anyone did. Be free to abuse me,blame me for everything. But don't walk into a broken person's life. Don't tell them they are a good soul. Don't tell them how kind they are for over a decade. Don't make them believe they are lovable. Why build hope and give them life. Didn't I always say I am a mistake? Vrush Vrushu Vrushi VD

Not Happy To Be Born

I am scared of 7th August.  

The day I was born but also lost. 

15 years ago came the night I regreted being born at all. 

At sharp 12 am, I stood so small.

“Go ahead,” I said, “hit me again.”

And he did.

A slap for a gift.

A wound where joy should’ve been.

So I stopped celebrating.

I stopped pretending.

What’s the point of marking a day

that only reminds me

I came into this world

just to be hurt again?

And then—you came.

With light in your voice and warmth in your laugh.

You stitched my soul in little ways.

Made birthdays feel like they could stay.

Camping trips. Poolside talks. 

Just simple things, and silent walks. 

But to me, they were life again.

And slowly, slowly, I whispered,

“Thank God she hasn’t left me yet.”

For years I waited to feel safe.

You made me believe I finally was.

You weren’t just a friend.

You were a vow,

a constant,

A place for me-  I never thought I would have.

So when I asked you—gently—

to just call my parents

and let them hear the joy in your voice,

I wasn’t asking for a parade.

I was asking for respect.

For remembrance.

That you too were family.

But you didn’t call.

And when I bled honesty— 

you flipped the script, and called me unkind. 

And now,

on the day that once brought bruises,

and then briefly brought hope,

I am back to the place

I promised myself I’d never return.

Except now, the ache is louder.

Because you knew.

You knew what that slap meant.

You knew I had stopped celebrating.

You were the one who taught me to smile again.

And then you left.

Without a goodbye.

It wasn't abandonment

It was cruelty wrapped in imprisonment.

You turned your back—

and now the best friend who helped me stand

has become the reason

I’ve fallen harder,  

Much more shattered than I ever did before.

---- Dedicated to someone I trusted to never leave. The one who was my best friend,  my family. 

Setting You Free

In the shadows of fear, I dwelled for years.

Afraid to love, consumed by my tears.

But then you appeared like an angel in need.

And I found the courage to help; to lead.

I gave you my all; my heart and my soul.

Willing to go to any length to make you whole.

With pure love, care & unwavering devotion.

I lifted you up from the depths of emotion.

Yet despite the promises the vows we made.

You abandoned me leaving my heart frayed.

Pleading for trust with one final plea.

Only to leave me broken again in misery.

That day my soul howled in agonizing pain.

As I watched my love slip away so callously in vain.

You shattered my spirit & left me to decay.

A hollow existence with nothing to say.

Your words so sweet poisoned my trust.

Always begging forgiveness yet betrayal is a must,

For you showed me the truth I wished not to see,

That in this relationship there's no more 'We'.

Each promise you made a dagger in my chest.

Each lie you spun a cruel heartless jest.

You sucked the essence of me, leaving me bare,

A hollow shell, with nothing to spare.

No innocence remains, that child is no more. 

Why give life when you so quickly walked out the door? 

I never could imagine you will do worse than them, 

I can no more face her,  I feel so much shame. 

So I m forgiving you the last time, I am setting you free,

What you lost isn't just rare, I know God will have you see. 

No tears left to shed ; no anger to ignite.

Just emptiness lingering in the dead of night.

I am now but a vessel devoid of life's zest.

I am only a mere shadow, with no heart in my chest.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

Closing the Chapter

 There is intense pain you will never be able to feel.

You hurt me so casually, leaving me with trauma alone to heal.

You apologised countless times for the countless inhumanities.

But there’s nothing you did to help me cope, other than showing me your reality.

Despite the torture and agony at your end, I still love and care for you.

I think it is high time I close this chapter to let you find someone in my lieu.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Can feel it coming...

An escape from something that I have not seen, I have not heard, but I have lived, but I have felt.

An escape that seems so close to a dive into an empty space,

Where nothing can be found, nothing can be felt, nothing can be heard, nothing can be lived.

I look for that empty space with no hope, with no strength, with no will. As the men in black robes stand outside my door, I curl up in fear wiping my tears. 

Once in this empty space i will be not lost but gone forever in a deep black hole.

Written by Vrushali 

Like a Dust I whirled

In the quiet aftermath, 

It wasn't just the heart, even dreams were toyed. 

I was a specter of affection, once vivid, now destroyed.

I was the breeze that caressed your skin,

A passing wind, caring and gentle.

But winds must roam, and so you declared,

I was only a season; rejected and impaired.

A season I was, in the chronicle of your years,

So sure of "our love" to share it with your peers.

Sunday, I danced for love amongst the stars, 

Tuesday, you found it suddenly all so bizarre,

How clueless for what was to come,

The "Real You" that I was yet to learn,

How joyous I was, how unfazed,

When Wednesday came, you left me without a trace.

I came as salvation, a beacon in your night,

With open arms and a heart willing to make it all right.

Your sorrows, your tears, on my shoulder they lay,

From thunders and storms I will protect you, I prayed.

Now solitary and silent, here I stand.

For a sin you committed, never carved by my hand.

You left me in the ruins of my own generosity,

Abandoning every spirit of faith and loyalty. 

Was my presence so light, so easily dismissed?

Or was the weight of my love too heavy to hold?

For you dropped it like burden, an unwanted gift,

And left me to shiver in the cold.

You were the sculptor, and I, mere clay,

Molded with care, then shattered with ease.

I was the canvas, once vibrant and true,

Now a faded memory, like you never drew.

I gave you my all, the essence of me,

But was I ever more than a shadow to thee?

The saddest truth in this tale of demise,

Is every dream I weaved proved me unwise. 

For you erased me without a thought,

This memoir on love will now forever haunt.

The saddest poem is my unwritten verse,

Reminding me again of fate's unjust curse. 

Like dust, I danced in your sunbeams,

Gleefully whirling the currents of dreams

But with the slightest of gestures, your dismissive sigh,

As you poofed me away swiftly, saying goodbye.

Written by Vrushu

Talking to a Flower

You know your no reaction or hurtful things never truly gave me pain, it only pressed the wounds that were already there. I shared everything with you. When it came to giving a good news, you continued to ignore me. You didn't feel like calling or emailing, nothing. 

But still it doesn't hurt me as much seeing cold faces of people when my professor appreciates, and thinks so nice of me. Even then there was no reaction. There was silence from both. 

Tell me why would it hurt when you too did everything i pleaded you not to? 

I received online expensive deliveries from them when all i needed to hear was , "We are proud of you".I didn't need materialistic things. I only needed to be cuddled, a pat on the back. 

You didn't hurt me. You only added to the pain that is already there.  

How can you betray my trust when I have never felt what keeping it feels like? 

I trained myself for no physical touch of affection and froze my emotions because I have been too scared to be loved back and abandoned. Until I trusted you and let in. 

You made me feel the first month what normal feels like, how it feels to vent it all out before someone for the first time. I removed all my guards.  

You are the only person who "asked me" if we can cuddle. Only once in past, I gathered courage to ask. I received that hug and cuddles one day in 14600 days of my life. Just once...

The remaining months I saw the real normal.  How I have always been treated by one I love so much. 

Do you realise how much it takes for me to even share everything,  how much it takes to remove all my guards down and let you in , and after knowing everything,  you did everything to end my soul. 

After 6 long years, i have been laughing like a Monkey all alone, and then I stopped making a fool of myself, because everyone else seemed to be like every other day. 

I am almost convinced that I have no clue what normal is. 

You can be rest assured everything you did never hurt me, it only pressed the wounds that could never heal. I was okay to being numb these 11 years.

I sowed the seed, I nurture it, I talk to it , I even fight with people for its space everyday. That's all I got, knowing fully well whether a human or flower, it will not respond to any of it. 

May be you were right when you asked , "Are you sure you love Me and not obsessed with me?." 

Breaking Free From the Soulmate Myth

Growing up, we have all been fed with fairy tales and stories about finding our one true soulmate who will rescue us from any pain or hardship we may face. We were taught to believe that there is someone out there who is meant just for us, and all we have to do is wait for them to appear and our lives will be complete.

As innocent children, it was easy for us to believe in this fairy tale. After all, who doesn't want a happily ever after with their perfect soulmate? But what we didn't realize was that subconsciously, we were putting our happiness on hold and placing it in the hands of a delusional belief.

I know this because I was one of those who fell for the soulmate myth. I was so consumed with the idea of finding my soulmate that I neglected to love myself. I believed that my happiness was dependent on finding the one perfect person who would complete me.

It wasn't until I read the book 'The Mountain is You' that I started to question this belief. The book opened my eyes to the fact that I had allowed my inner child, who still believed in fairy tales, to be sabotaged. I had unknowingly subjected her to insults and abuse from someone I foolishly thought was my soulmate.

This person through apathy, humiliation, betrayals upon betrayals, slapped me so hard on my beliefs - that just because someone went through a similar agonizing journey like me, they must be like me.

I learnt the hard way that not all who cry deserve to be helped, because when they do the exact thing to you that once made them cry, they just look at you expressionless like a frozen statue - So cold and heartless. 

A soulmate is someone who will stand by me, and support me as we face those challenges together. A soulmate is someone who has the best intent for me and guide me when I do wrong and when I do too much good for the wrong type. 

It was a harsh realization, but it was also a turning point in my life. 

For the first time in 40 years, I found myself crying and begging for forgiveness from my own self. I had always prided myself on being loyal and trustworthy, but I had failed to be loyal and trustworthy to myself.

My happiness and sense of completeness cannot only come from another person. This false narrative was detrimental to my mental health and well-being.

Only I am responsible for my happiness by the choices I make in life.

- Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

I See You

Dedicated to the Chosen one: Angel T.S

In a world of varied ties, I see

Three kinds of bonds surrounding me.

Transactional—you give, they take,

Your presence there, they rarely forsake.

Yet they don’t see you as a soul with needs,

Just someone who serves, to fulfill their deeds.

Temporarily Empathetic—a fleeting show,

Their concern brief, just for a glow.

They ask if you're well when others are near,

But their genuine care is far from sincere.

Labeled—chosen friends and kin,

Where trust and love should deeply begin.

But sometimes, these labels can confine,

Expectations weigh down, the heart's true design.

Yet, I don’t fit in these three,

For I see the depths of your agony.

Not just the pain in your tired eyes,

But tears collected, throat choked with sighs.

Today, I see you strive to keep the role,

But why do I feel the pain that fills your soul?

Your smiles, though sweet, are tinged with ache,

Each blink a story, each look a quake.

No façade, no fakeness in your grace,

Even your smile holds volumes, a quiet embrace.

“You are strong” need not be said,

For what you deem weak is your strength instead.

Your sensitive soul, your tender heart,

In that, your greatest power imparts.

I have no magic to mend your break,

But I know you are the 'Chosen One', who needs a gentle wake.

With such innocence, you cutely rub your nose,

And if I am ever needed, I won't hesitate to hug and hold you close.

To give you warmth, let your tears flow free,

To cry out loud, to just be you, the way God sees.

Know this truth, feel this embrace,

In your sensitivity lies your grace.

So here I am, with an open heart,

to soothe your soul, but never to part.

I know, I know many promise to stay,

But like always they cowardly abandon anyway, 

Your intelligence isn't for an insecure soul.

You are one of the seven of us,

And an ordinary human can never make you whole. 

Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

I identified YOU

Dedicated to T:

More often than not, in adulthood—unlike childhood—we wake up groggy and lose touch with our innocent smile. Today, I realized that a positive vibe from someone's aura isn't limited to their physical presence.

There's a person among us who gives me so much positive energy that conquering any challenge seems pleasantly manageable. She's younger than me by only a few years, but she is my Guru.

Initially, I thought it was her teaching style and knowledge, but as time went by, I became certain that my Guru is someone spiritually special to God. She is eternally blessed, and it goes beyond her good karma. I am confident that she is, in the literal sense, a chosen one—an angel who probably has no idea yet that she is sent to Earth for a higher purpose.

No, I am not merely offering compliments or suggesting that I idolize her. I am not being poetic or subtly appreciating her qualities. I am literally saying I have identified God's chosen one.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

Forgiveness

Human: Are you saying you still forgive?

ME: The meaning of forgiveness doesn't mean I am not hurt. The meaning of forgiveness doesn't mean that I will ever talk to them again.  It doesn't mean I desire to ever reconnect with them. But at the same time I don't wish them ill. 

Humans use "Forgiveness" just as a word to show how great they are, but when you truly love someone, forgiveness just follows on its own. It isn't then an act you are consciously aware of. 

If you aren't following what I am saying then you are yet to feel true love.