It is an everyday struggle to self motivate and convince myself after many rejections that I am not useless. It is a rigorous effort to sustain self confidence when somewhere subconsciously, I do have a feeling it isn't how it used to be for over a decade. Am I losing touch ? Will I forget what I learnt ? These questions may seem silly because that is like asking a past swimmer if he/she remembers to swim at all.
In this 1.5 years phase, I have never felt more lonelier. Everytime I attempted to express my feelings, I was immediately told to be positive. How about listening to me for a change and understanding why I feel the way I feel? Everytime I attempted to express my fears and doubts, I was told to stop thinking negative.
Well ! Lockdown does that to the best of the best optimistic person. I never did recall doubting myself, being in fear of the future because I don't want to be dependent being an adult. One thing that always remained intact was my self confidence and it still is somewhere. I don't know for how long.
This journey is lonelier. Tears are shed secretly when no one can watch and I wish there was at least one person before whom I can cry my heart out and throw up the poison that's spreading inside since 1.5 years.
