5th June 2010

Disturbing nights are not the ones when you see your love going away from you in a nightmare; but it is when he loves you unconditionally in the dream even though he is nowhere around you in real. Distressful sleep is not when you wake up once or twice in fear after a ghostly nightmare; but it is when you wake up every hour with these jerks wanting to make yourself believe he has not left you. Funny isn’t it, the way our mind tries to make us believe in a lie in the middle of the night; innocently wanting us to sleep in peace for few more hours before the bright day light exposes us to the bitter reality.

Sometimes people we truly love and care for surprise us with their decisions and despite hours of crying, the next day you still cannot believe it happened. Funny isn’t it, the way our heart loves them so madly that even our mind chooses to not believe the reality.

Sometimes we love someone so much that on one hand we want them to give us one last chance for a mistake we are not aware of and on the other hand we choose to go quiet; making the act as less guilty as possible for them; making the departure as easy as possible for them. Funny isn’t it, the way our heart sulks making us forget to ask them for a long time the reason behind their action.

I long waited for the rains because monsoons make me want to smile from my heart. Funny isn’t it that on one hand my heart was shattered in pain, my eyes drenched in tears and on the other hand my mind was making me hear the sound of the first rain.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Running Away from the Unknown

I seek for noise in a pub than music hoping it will tranquilize my mind and I will be alas in a thoughtless state. I seek for darkness in the ambience than any light wanting to be lost in a place that cannot show me any way for one day. Spirit does not calm my nerves; larger circle of so called friends does not help me distract. I realize that at the end of the day, I am so lost in the thoughtless world that I only accumulate more emptiness within me. It is this moment that I ask, "What is that one thing that I do which truly makes me happy?". This is exactly the time when I can best describe what going blank is really about.

These hopeless hang outs only indicate escapism; and this escapism is something towards I still proclaim I am not aware of.

Someone who knows me in person went through this blog and he was amazed at my writing style. While he perceived me to be an extremely positive person which stands true in every sense, he wondered why the blend of such words on my blog.

I once again did not have an answer to his question and tried to close the topic by adding words that logically made no sense to me.

I live my life so consciously that I am in complete realization of my action, reaction and the decision that goes behind it. I would be the biggest liar if I say life has been cruel to me. While I know things around me are fine, there still is a void that keeps eating me from inside. Quest for this goes on!

Often in life we try hard to forget a tragic incident or a person whose memories will give us no happiness. In this trial, we consciously let the thing go; it however remains stored somewhere in our subconscious mind. Later in life you experience a strange vacuum within you and you cannot help but wonder what is it really that you are running away from.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

A Mistake

Every time you meet the wrong one who breaks your heart miserably, a loved one comes into your life and showers a ray of hope – telling you that whatever happens, happens for good and there’s a better person to come in your life; an angel as you may call, would be one day standing right before you.

Every time I fell for these words, I left my pessimism behind, tried not to generalize people, just simply gave one more chance for love to enter in my life. In vain, I realized either I always loved the wrong ones or I am too wrong in letting the right one to come in my life. The more I hoped to be optimistic towards relationships, the more I chose to question my decisions and improve in life for good.

Often we hope for that right one to come and every time we feel he’s the one, the next moment we are deceived. A relationship can never break because of a new girl friend in his life, but it does when she is able to offer him which you cannot. He leaves you not for another girl, but because you cannot give him what he desires. At the end, it’s fair for both of you.

All these years I introspected every day of my life, evaluating every action and reaction of mine; felt guilty when I chose to be plainly arrogant with someone nice; felt good and yet stayed quiet when I realized I contributed to a good gesture. Eventually, I uplifted in my own eyes for having committed least sins; for never cheating on anyone.

Today an angel stands right before me and while I was too busy brooding over past and being involved in materialistic world, I did not realize even his shadow around me. Today he opens his arms towards me and I hug him with love in my heart, yet never letting my soul love him the way I learnt of love in my life. Today, I break his trust in me, walking on the path where I have no reasoning for my action. Today I committed a sin which I thought was never a part of me.

I realize that it is never any greatness that made me to stay away from sins; it simply is my cowardice to never have enough courage to answer to the person within me. If there’s anyone who can truly destroy me; who can punish me; who can make me feel miserable about my actions; who can make my soul feel dead, then it simply is me.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Being You

I give maximum hours of my life working for a company which means nothing to me as soon as I get back home. I give to it my patience; I give my calmness; I give my respect and at the end of the day I am left with none of it. Routinely, I surrender myself in dark trying to look for peace in my silence.

Most problems do not occur to us because we are good or bad human beings to people; most problems occur to us when there is a big difference between what we truly are and what we show to people. People never leave us for what we are; people leave us for the way we are to them.

Arguments do not take place because there is difference of opinion; arguments take place because one does not wish to listen to another. People never fight with us because they think we did wrong to them; people fight with us because there is a big difference in what we gave to them and what they expected from us.

Often I wonder how many people I have disappointed in life and the word infinite says it all. Some experiences are bitter and to not have them repeated in our life we choose to react differently from the way we are. Most blunders happen when we do not understand who deserves to know the real person within us and who deserves to know the person we are to the majority world.

These bitter experiences with some people; this immune reaction of ours before most people and yet shouts this craving to express and live the way we truly are.

Most complications to living life do not occur because of the bad experiences we had; most complications to living life occur when we lose too much faith in people to show them what we truly are.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Law of Attraction

Suffocation starts to build up when for the whole of your life you have curbed your desires and have set a rule for each of them. Every time I let my feeling out, I think more of the consequence than the desire; every time I wish to set my soul free, I am assured my conscience would not let me survive in peace the next day. Sometimes I wonder if what keeps us away from expressing our feeling is conscience or values and the time I use the word ‘values’, I feel I am taking support of few words most Indians use when they do not have an answer to the situation and end up backing it up in the name of Indian culture.

Sometimes I wonder what is so wrong in getting just attracted to someone and feeling the moment; sometimes I ponder if every time I curb it, am I doing it purely for myself or am I too scared to be answerable to anyone in future. Some times I think if I am doing it to save my self from any guilt the next day and choose to be in peace or if I am saving it for ‘the one’ who is meant to be. The more I think, the more I become alien to the situation.

Love is important and no attraction can prolong without love being into it; to love means to give great amount of your ‘self’ to ‘the one’. I do not express myself before people because I do not want them to know the ways they can hurt me. The more I become mysterious to them, the more they try to read me.

I have had ample of words, and a variety of combinations of these words that have helped me to express my emotions. Today I have gone too deep in my emotions that I feel words do not justify them anymore; that they do not bring forward the exact feeling I go through.

Today I have reached a stage where I fall short of words to even explain things to myself.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Silent Emotions

Sometimes I stare blankly at my television giving an impression to people around me that I am just fine. Often I evade eye contact with them just to escape from their query of concern.

I often choose silence before my loved ones because I do not want them to know how much faith I have lost in life. I detach my emotions from my friends because I do not want to pass on my negativity into their life. I deny talking to myself because I do not want to make myself aware of the extent to which I am broken from within.

I silent myself before people who love me and I am in no position to trust people who do not love me. I stay quiet to gossips around me; I stay quiet to complaints of people; I wish that just for one day life decides to leave me alone and I can choose to do what I want to do; I can choose to be how I want to be. Today amidst everything I have forgotten the way to my life.

The more I appear stronger to people in real life; the more my weakness gets apparent here; the more people are scared of me in real life; the more I express here how detached I want to be from their emotions. Today I do not know how I started with in life; if I was better than this or have I become stronger in real life to handle it all.

The only way I get to know how far I have come in emotions; the only way I get to read me is when I am here. My blog lets me be.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Love

Sometimes you explore the most pure emotions within you in an age when every one around you is waiting to tell you how momentary they are. While I was too busy in believing their words, I never realized when these emotions chose to be a part of me and one fine day decided to get out of me leaving me completely changed. It was the day when you came into my life; it was the time when we thought we are in love.

I knew you before I even knew of emotions like love or hatred; I knew you before I even understood the difference between right and wrong; I knew you before I even knew myself. Sometimes when you know someone too well, it becomes difficult for you to pretend before them that you are buying their lie; it becomes difficult to pretend you don’t know what they are doing. It was the day when you silently decided to fall in love with someone else.

Sometimes you are so much in love that you choose to give them their time to explore what they really want and let yourself watch this in silence, gulping every tear that leaves you suffocated. It did not break me when you hid her from me; it broke me when she aggressively revealed her existence in your life to me. It was the day when you chose to not believe me.

Sometimes you go so quiet that you detach your conscience from speaking to you. You are most alone not when people go from your life; you are alone when you deny talking to yourself.

I have seen you change from teenage to adolescence and from adolescence to adulthood; you grew up with me and no one can know us better. It was the day when you wanted to be my friend once again.

Sometimes you disbelieve so much in feelings which on one hand make you to feel its love and on the other hand forces you to think it is infatuation. Sometimes you choose to never feel anything even remotely close to it that you even disregard the slight hope of love entering in your life. It was the day when work helped me to ignore you.

When the more I did not want to see you; the more you tried getting back to me. When the more I chose to hid those strong emotions within me, the more you saw it through me. Sometimes they know you so well that you cannot pretend you do not love them anymore. It was the day when you found out I still love you. It was the day when you forced me to meet you.

Sometimes you become too busy finding your ways to avoid facing someone you love the most. I did not take your call for the whole day; I did not answer your messages for the forthcoming days. I realized my feelings for you grew stronger with each coming day and I could not anymore wear the mask. It was the day when I got a call from a friend saying you have left me forever.

Seeing you lie in front of me with your eyes closed, I wondered if you would ever get up and make me believe it is a prank; if you would ever tell me it was just your way to get me to meet you. The more close I got to you; the more I tried to absorb the fragrance of your body; recaping every little memory that went with you - from your silly attempts of building a car out of the sand on the shore to the funny faces you made just to make me smile.

As I sat down I waited for my one last hope that you will now get up. I touched your feet and it made realize that this is the last time I am touching you.


Sometimes you explore the most profound emotions within you in an age when you never believe it can ever be a part of you. While I was too busy in protecting myself from getting hurt, I never realized that this very act will leave me hurt forever.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Freedom to the Soul

Time takes a pause as I stand on this cliff to feel my life,
This journey of reincarnation begins for me as I placidly close my eyes
I hear the music of sea waves; I let the wind caress my hair,
I breathe the air of peace and absorb more life into me
Aura of purity unmasks every layer that I wear
And with every unveiling, this defeat from human life I joyfully declare

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Acceptance

It is simple to disregard someone’s thought and argue over it for all of your life. Often the time we hear anything extremely different from the way we think and contradictory to ours, we are filled with instantaneous negative reactions and our act is then to convince them with all our words on what we think over it. Funny isn’t it, this whole game of changing someone’s thoughts and opinions and making it more and more convenient for us to be able to survive with them.

I wonder sometimes what is so difficult to understand that we all have been brought up in different environments and culture; that we all have had different experiences in life; that we have exposed ourselves to different sources of information, be it the kind of books we read, the sort of movies we watch. We are all different from each other in some ways; we all are different from each other in many ways and I guess that is what makes conversations so interesting.

Someone said a very beautiful thing to me yesterday, "The best thing is to accept people as they are, if they really like you and you like them, you BOTH will change little".

I was not stranger to similar words; I was not completely unaware to this intention in his words; but he was a person with a simple heart who effortlessly conveyed the most insightful thing to me and I could not believe that learning could be so easy.

We cannot always desire for someone to be just like us and expect better understanding; it is only when we find in that someone a person we always wanted to be, then can we truly grow in them; it is only when we find someone who does things we always longed to do, then can we truly find happiness with them.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

The Alarm of Life: Don't Snooze! :)

It takes less than a second for one to react furiously and just a few more seconds to react cordially. It takes less than a minute to say no to a beloved who wishes to spend time with you and a few more minutes to prioritize and re-work your schedule. It takes less than an hour to delegate a task to someone and just a few more hours to make them understand your requirement.

It is only when we decide patience to travel in our mind that it can reduce the time taken for anger to subside and calmness to settle. When our attitudes work on impulse, we leave little scope for some thinking to happen. It is when our so called “mood” starts to act fickle frequently that the world around us starts to get intimidated by our unpredictable reaction. Welcome then yourself to detachment and aloofness because you are distancing people from your life.

You egoistically hurray to this as you realize the progress of lesser bondage, but more than what others get from you; it is what you eventually get from all this -just more detest today toward relationships and tomorrow aggravating venom running in your mind, body and eventually soul.


A wise stranger once told me, “Keep the faith” and despite the recurrent mishaps, these three words which I once chose to outcast from my mind, continued to impact positively in every ultimate decision of my life.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Being me !

Sometimes you are so used to being strong that you forget someone deep within you is feeling suffocated by your laughter. The time you realize the existence of that suffocation, every thing else around you starts to get messed up! The louder I laugh with all my honesty, the more the person within me suffocates. And I realize the pain it goes through when I cry from my heart.

Being vulnerable makes people take you for a ride, and being strong makes people think you are too practical. I realize this dilemma when I find no words to tell someone how I am. Most of the times my confusion messes it all and people tend to form an opinion completely new to me.

The more I feel 'words' help me to express myself, the more I experience having people who cannot understand them. The more people think of me to be intelligent, the more I feel they would not bear my heavy talks for long. The more I hear advices that I already know of, the more I feel I am making myself appear way too weak.

I am too habituated to expressing myself in a way which most of the people find creative or some intelligent combination of words. Every time someone thinks of me to be ‘Creative’ I feel I have lost the ability to sound and appear normal.

I do not display my creativity when I say what I feel; I am not writing any poetry when I express what deeply hurts me. But every time someone ‘Wow’s’ when I express, i am assured they saw the poet in me and not the girl in me.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande