You cannot show me how to love !

Despite the attempts of making a relationship work, sometimes you vent out a concealed complaint and ruin this conscious effort. It is true one can give up the bad habits; one can alter a wrong behavior to improvise, but one cannot learn how to love. Love is the only feeling that comes from within and cannot be manipulated. You can tell someone where they go wrong; you can tell them what hurts you, bothers you, but you cannot tell them how to love you.

Reciprocation in form of prolonged numbness to your expectations creates a deep void within you and you feel more helpless than incomplete. Bizarre a relationship becomes when you realize you are not letting a person love you the way he wants to love you. Despite the wisdom and maturity you occasionally attempt to understand his way of loving you, you realize his ways are more a result of conscious effort and misses a great deal of natural reaction.

There would not be a conscious effort to make things work if there was no love. I know the love prevails, and guess a time comes when you have to just accept that everyone have their ways to love you. The age old forwards carried for a long time a line which stands true and while I did not understand its relevance as a teenager, I do now– “Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, does not mean they do not love you at all with all they have”

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Strange Voyager

All my life I was too busy either searching for love or finding ways to give love and amidst this search, I experienced too many reactions, emotions; some within me, some from other people. Sum it up for a longer duration, my mind was not really as healthy as it should have been and I must say I pushed smile away from me for a lot of days in my life.

Amidst my run in the dense jungle of love relationships, I found a voyager who was walking on the same path as I was and we happen to smile at each other for absolute no reason. That was the first time I understood that we do not always need ‘love’ to make us smile; sometimes two strangers walking aside each other can have some wordless thoughts to communicate. I understood, there are relationships beyond love and friendship.

Isn’t it funny how some people feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts with someone they have not met in person? Quite frankly, it is always better to puke out thoughts before someone who has no preconceived notions about us; who has not seen us for them to ‘create or not create’ any impression on us. Most of the times, looks influence the way people behave with us; so does money!

Strange how despite the desperation to seek natural emotions like love and care, how we all at point of time, for even a nanasecond are influenced by the greed of materialism.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Dangers of honesty

Lost in the traces of intolerable pain, I gasp every moment to make myself believe I am alive.
‘Honesty’ as people once said is my strength, I regret their saying!
This genuineness of my heart tortures me in different ways in this human world
And with every moment of my truth, I lose one more bit within me

There are far more dangers to truth and I realized it until I saw the ease people are at when they lie.
Today I am a prisoner of life and my crime is that I say the truth
I can be a changed person, but then I would not know how to love
I can choose not to love, but then I would be just a machine who can walk, talk and remember.

Lost in the traces of their doing, I gasp to make myself believe I can yet take the pain
‘Love’ as people said is what I do most beautifully; today I regret their saying!
I cannot hear the shouts of my cry; it tells me I have no happiness left within
I cannot bear the pain in my heart; it tells me I am still madly in love

There are far more dangers of being in love and I realized it until I saw losing myself
I was a selfish girl and by error I loved someone more than me
Today I am a prisoner of pain, and my crime is I told him I am incomplete without him

‘Honesty’ I say is the weakness in me, as it alienates me more from people who look like me

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

The Ink in my heart

The ink in my heart has finished alas and the thoughts that reside within find no place to escape. I write words which are nothing but a combination of English alphabets and I am glad that the typing on the keyboard is one way to expel the nothingness within me. The sound of the keys tells me there is voice to my emptiness and I am not entirely alone; there is something I hear, there is something I touch.

Each day as I resolute to trust you again, I relive your betrayal every night in form of nightmares. Today I am so disturbed that as I open my eyes in fear, I fail to make out truth from nightmare.

Your every day lie and manipulation of truth has kept me one step away from the valley of insanity. I am on the cliff of madness and I fear an untimely push from the new born wordless girl within me.

Every time you touch my cheeks to force a smile on my face, I am assured the extremity of this pain has made my tears so crazy that today it has learnt to smile in madness.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Where Are You?

When in extreme pain, I often without being consciously aware try and google ‘God’. How crazy you think I am is how crazy I think I am when I act upon it, yet my desperate need to find someone who can relate to what I feel increases with every incident. Idol stands numb in front of me and I am not sure if god resides within it. I do not know where else to look for him.

I hold too much impurity within me now that I cannot find you within me and even when I resolute I would not err, I repeat it. I do not know how to behave with these human beings who have weird thoughts on their mind; I do not know what makes them think so strange and I feel so alienated. I later give up and act in a way with them which my conscience chooses to not accept.

Foolish was the person who said goodness pays, because in this world what is required is a state of ‘no conscience’; where honesty is laughed upon.
I am stuck because I do not know to be anything else than this. Today I suffocate because I am trapped amidst a good soul and a pure human. The life of latter I detest to live.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

One thing You Miss The Most Is...

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Happiness’ and no matter how hard you try to be jovial and positive, particular things around you tend to go wrong. Despite the odds, you decide to stay calm and happy, but these things have their own way of screwing up with your mind and you desire to make yourself stronger to conquer that.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Peace’ and I do not remember the last time I felt it. The last feeling I got of peace was when my sis told to me, ‘You had a smile on your face when you were sleeping’.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘company of people who stayed with you despite the odds’. I tried to make things better, I tried giving everything I could, but yet I could not fulfill certain expectations. I truly miss these people who gave me that hug, who cared for me so much.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘simplicity’. I do not crave for a diamond ring to make me happy; A five rupee ring one can get from a Local train can make me truly happy because for some strange reason I would feel the connection, I would feel the bond, I would feel I am yours forever.

I do not need big flower bouquet from you; all that can make me happy is that one petal of rose and words of togetherness.

I do not need a dinner at an expensive restaurant; the one thing that made me happy was feeding you in the car from the Tiffin.

Today people seem to have alienated me; today my words are made fun of and people laugh about it; today people ask me to make most out of what luxuries I get for free and squeeze some more with tact of manipulation.

I never thought about myself even once when I got anything for you; I wanted you to have every object of luxury because I felt that’s what you only identity yourself with; I could not afford it, scrapped through that period with expenses, but managed to buy things for you, which you will truly use.

I do not need your money in any form; all I need is a sign that you truly love me.

Sometimes one thing you most miss is a ‘sign of love’.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Friendship in Love

Every time I would blog a new post, my meaning of ‘greater pain' would change. With every new day, I learn something I never did before; I experience something I never experienced before.

Often it is our brain that makes us cry by making us visualize memories of past. I wonder how conveniently we all in our literature of love accuse the heart for all the pain in love.

Losing your lover is not as painful as losing a friend in him.

Friendship is all about love, care and support and when we get all of it in its extreme, we get habituated to it. There are times when this friend becomes a lover, and I then wonder, what different a lover has to offer because I am pretty content with this friend in him. When for some reason, this person no more stays with us, it is not the love that we miss, but it is the friendship.

When we were not together, I did not know with whom to share all the silly things I experienced in the day; I did not know with whom I should gossip in humor; I did not know with whom I should share my worries and later laugh it out loud.

I hated watching movies, I hated going to restaurants, and I hated long drives because it was never going to a movie for me, it was never going to a restaurant- it simply was having you around me. Having you around me meant finding a worse movie amazing and relishing food as I never did before.

I wondered what missing love is all about because for me this is your friendship to me where I get love, care and support.

It is true that if you have a best friend in your lover, even if situations become grave in love, it will only be friendship that will get you two back again.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande