When in extreme pain, I often without being consciously aware try and google ‘God’. How crazy you think I am is how crazy I think I am when I act upon it, yet my desperate need to find someone who can relate to what I feel increases with every incident. Idol stands numb in front of me and I am not sure if god resides within it. I do not know where else to look for him.
I hold too much impurity within me now that I cannot find you within me and even when I resolute I would not err, I repeat it. I do not know how to behave with these human beings who have weird thoughts on their mind; I do not know what makes them think so strange and I feel so alienated. I later give up and act in a way with them which my conscience chooses to not accept.
Foolish was the person who said goodness pays, because in this world what is required is a state of ‘no conscience’; where honesty is laughed upon.
I am stuck because I do not know to be anything else than this. Today I suffocate because I am trapped amidst a good soul and a pure human. The life of latter I detest to live.
Written by Vrushali Deshpande
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