No one needs Love

It's very rarely that I feel this emotion of love towards someone and even if I feel it i have been always hesitant to tell them. Anyone I had pure love for has doubted, questioned and trust me nothing can hurt more than that. 

I am a foolish person to feel it. 

Detach yourself, he says

A choked feeling that i felt in my chest, I knew I was finding it hard to breath. Flashes of your memories made me gasp for air as I almost felt breathless. I bursted out crying not with any animosity, complaint or hatred, I just did because your love was too much to forget even after 6 years.

I thanked this little one for being with me as your only presence but I won't make myself visible before you ever again. All i want for you is to be happy, laughing and living your life to fullest. 

Detach yourself, the psychiatrist said and i asked him how because I don't know how to stop this feeling. God asked me, "Is this love?" . But i chose not to answer. I kept caressing your head and putting you to sleep, telling you everything is going to be just fine. 

You asked everyday, "Will you ever leave me?" And i always said no. It never occurred to me that you could leave too. That's how much i trusted you. 

No complaints. No anger or hatred because I smile everytime I recall laughing with you. 

Online Relationships are Fake

Restless. Uneasy. 

I miss some but they don't care.

They have moved on.

They don't care.

Why should I miss them?

They weren't worthy of what i gave.

They moved on because they don't care.

I stop my tears because my cry was ridiculed.

Ridiculed by someone I liked so much.

That world is fake. That world betrays.

It's not at at all Similar. 

I hate the day i joined.

I hate giving love.

They didn't care. They believed in rumours.

They sabotaged me despite the love. 

Despite the care.

They don't care. 

Just forget them. Please forget them.

Mental Illness isn't a taboo

There are still people close to Riya who have been concerned over the last few weeks when she decided to lock herself in the room and not eating anything for two weeks straight. 

They knew what happened to her because she was in the hospital. Her mental health got severely impacted that she just didn't want anyone to even touch her. The feeling of touch reminded her of the incident, the feeling of touch reminded her that she wants to stay away from love and affection because people are capable of betraying any time without giving a reason.

A psychiatrist came to meet her at the hospital and during the evaluation he diagnosed her of certain things that led to her suicidal attempts and the PTSD that she will suffer after the incident. 

Riya was home and her mother caringly asked her what diagnosis is it that the psychiatrist told you about. She said, "Mum, the less you know the better because you get panic attacks when stressed and then I can't handle that."

On insisting, Riya finally told her but the moment she heard suicide or attempts of suicide as symptoms her mum turned a blind eye with a "Fed up expression" to the sexual assault from the past which was the main trigger. 

The same sexual assault that lasted for 6 years from the age of 8 and when Riya wanted to tell her mum what happened and who did it, her mum prefered to not hear it. Not to confront the perpetrator. She continued to act normally all her life with Riya's assaulter as if she knew nothing. 

Last night as well Riya couldn't sleep but this time she couldn't because of her injuries from the incident and she kept having extreme pains stemming from her uterus and vagina. Her mom came into her room and thinking her mum was so caringly asking last time, Riya told her that she couldn't sleep yet again because............

Her mum interrupted Riya by saying in a ridiculed tone, "I am sick and tired of your issues that doesn't let you sleep." 

Riya immediately said, "but you didn't let me finish the sentence that I was not able to sleep because of the physical injuries that gave me excruciating pain."

Immediately her mom said, "Oh! I didn't know you couldn't sleep because of that."  

*Yes, because you were fed up to let her finish.*

Riya shutdown. She stayed quiet. She knew she can't share anything with anyone anymore.

When she did share it recently, she was ridiculed and made fun of publicly on a social networking platform where she confided in her friend she thought she could trust. 

The reason she joined the platform was she could share but her feelings, experiences were called drama and act of manipulation. 

She's shutdown and her mum screamed at her, "If you don't want to talk then just go to hell." 

She did not respond. She's shutdown.

Was I a misfit?

Often times i wonder if SW was even a place for me. Many times i thought it's such a wonderful platform to share your feelings, experiences and thoughts and then I questioned if it's as good as I think.

There were a few people who told me almost a year ago that someone like me won't last on SW. That what am I even doing there? 

I guess I just got damaged around so much negativity. The place is indeed toxic but there were those few who made a difference.

After I left proactively (not banned), a friend from SW like a few who are still in touch asked the same question.

No, i am not successful and no one is normal completely but he wasn't the first to say the platform is not for people like me.

I miss some of them

It's been sometime that some usernames and profile pics flash in front of my eyes just before i go to sleep or if I'm in the car waiting at the red light. 

Then I ask myself, "Why bother when they don't? Because they have your email address and if you mattered equally to them they would have reached out."

The silence in my inbox only tells me how stupidly I get attached to people who probably don't give a damn if i exist or not. 

It's harsh but true for the online world. 

Even if there never has been a fall out between the two of us, they still walked away for reasons nothing to do with the bond we shared.

I am not angry at the mass haters with a mob mentality because the one's who i made a difference to are still in my life. I only assumed there would be more. 

Often times im worried about a teenager who has been through a lot in life but for reasons best known to her she stopped responding. 

This is what I have left apart from the drawings, sketches which i go through sometimes and smile. Something tells me , "Stop torturing yourself with their memories. They didn't care to contact you."

True. I guess I am still learning to be cold. 

Danie, your one post ended everything for me.

Why can't I feel hatred?

Words unimaginable, curses never heard before, accusations so delusional, humiliation for the first time, hate speech and yet there's no feeling of hatred towards these people. 

What's wrong with me? I should be angry, annoyed, revengeful, bitter , resentful but instead I felt tears roll down my cheeks as I told God to forgive them..

This is the only place i can pour my heart out and I am not aware if anyone even reads because it's better if I don't know that so i can write freely. 

The only place where i can be true to my feelings.

Foreigners online

I don't think it's cultural difference but I have noticed people from other countries can be blunt and they immediately say things like it's not going to work. 

Then they explain themselves nicely after a blunt line. 

I have borderline personality disorder and i fear abandonment. I am emotionally intense and trust me i can't help it. I am scared to lose people I love. I don't push them away. They usually can't stick around with me because i am sensitive and emotional and everything i do is with pure intent. 

I have made the mistake of explaining myself in past to someone from USA and it took few hours for that person to end the friendship. 

It is much easier to talk to people from my country..

Foreigners are not bad people at all. If only they don't talk about ending so easily.

I am scared to talk to foreigners online. I have some great real life friends from many countries but I trust easily and I feel pain to prove to them that i am trustworthy. 

I can't prove my honesty.

This has been keeping me going !

Trust & Betrayal

If someone trusts you, they are laying their vulnerability open to you. They might just be naive if they are kids but if you are an adult and you trust, you willingly open yourself up knowing that you could be hurt. 

But the reason you trust again as an adult is because you are courageous. It's an act of courage to trust and the reason is useful because if you trust, you open the door to reciprocity and you entice the best part of that person forward. 

But then when you betray someone then what you have done is you have taken the best part of them which is the part that will courageously trust with open eyes and you stuck a dagger in that. 

You have purposely damaged the best part of them and it's often people don't recover from that part of playing you. 

If you betray someone badly enough you can damage them, you can give them post traumatic stress disorder. If you really put your mind to it that's not just a psychological disorder; if you suffer PTSD you can face permanent neurological alterations that make you more neurotic, more sensitive to negative emotions, really for the rest of your life.

You can recover from it to some degree but stress will tend to reinstantiate PTSD. 

It's not just psychological but it's fundamentally a physiological damage. That's what you do to people by betraying their trust. 

Forgiveness Has Nothing To Do With Apology

 

How do you treat people who wronged you?

It is said as Jesus languished on the cross, he didn't counter his accusers with insults, cursing, and retaliation—nor did he use his power to inflict pain. His submissive silence was a divine response.

Sometimes souls connect

Riya felt this very pure motherly connection with Ari. She did not have her friend Danie to talk to anymore so Riya spoke to Ari. 

Ari spoke back and she asked Riya if she still likes her mum?!?

Riya smiled, stroked her little nose on the picture and said, "Stupid little girl, of course I do. I always will."

Ari asked with her innocent eyes , "Are you okay after everything...?"

Riya felt tears but she wiped them off immediately because someone called her "crying as screaming for one minute straight". 

Riya said, "My little princess, your mom will always be happy, I assure you. But you keep that mischievous smile on always and fix those teeth, okay? :) " 

Will you face your Karma?

Karma refers to the spiritual principle of cause and effect which states that an action is always accompanied by its consequences. Result of a deed is inherent in the deed itself. No one can escape the effects of his actions. 

Anything good or bad one does through his thoughts, words or senses creates an equivalent response which comes back to him, sooner or later, in one form or the other. As one sows, so shall he reap. This doctrine known as the karmic cycle governs one’s life perpetually.

No one can avoid, evade or cheat on karma. Every deed has to bear its favourable or unfavourable fruits. One has to face the consequences of his deeds, either in this life or in the future lives and human beings have no control over them.

Today’s action is tomorrow’s karma. When one gives up his wicked ways and firmly resolves to abandon evil in future, soon he overcomes grief.

When one realises himself to be the imperishable soul, he attains that realm of reality which is beyond the burden of karma. He then reaches that state of being which is beyond any sorrow.

God asks , "Do you hate them?"

I did not have to think deep. 

Bless Ari - I truly think she's the best. 

Danie -  God asks, "Did you have pure intentions when you spoke to her?" --- Yes

God asks given that they are making a fool out of you, how would you like them punished?

--- Don't. 

What about Mel? 

I smile. 

God asks, "I don't understand"

......"May be I love them both a little more than they hate me."

Let it go. Let them be happy. 

Forgive

They know not what they did

They know not what they said

I erred and I accepted,

I faultered and I take responsibility.

Forgive them for the venom,

Forgive them for defamation,

Forgive them for your destruction.

They know not what they do,

They know not what they say,

Eleven years ago I vowed to never love again 

For people betrayed, for people lied.

For people played with my feelings. 

Today in 2022 I shut all doors to friendship.

This door that I will never open again,

For people betrayed and lied,

For they played with my innocence.

Forgive them for they know not what they are doing,

Forgive them for they know not what they are saying,

I lost my mental balance and got intoxicated,

I cried miserably in hopes to be heard,

My cry wasn't a scream, 

My cry was a plead to not leave me.

Words of venom are just words,

Your thoughts about me shook me.

My mistake was that I loved unconditionally,

My dumb heart did not know how to stop.

You became my sister, you became my family,

When real life threw stones, you saved me.

Forgive them because they know not what they sinned,

Forgive them because they know not what they felt,

My heart never took advantage, 

My heart never played with you emotionally,

My daft mind didn't remember your tragedy,

I erred because I didn't remember.

My tears are no drama,

My exhausted life never manipulated. 

Forgive me for I spoke for countless hours,

Forgive me for we laughed together,

Forgive me for I thought we were good friends,

Forgive me for I thought you understood me. 

I erred when I let my emotions over flow,

I erred when I love and care extremely,

Forgive me because I knew you abandoned me.

Forgive me I promised to never leave. 

My stupid heart doesn't listen after being beaten,

It has got used to humiliation and hatred. 

It doesn't know how to stop loving. 

Forgive me for loving like you never experienced,

Forgive me you didn't understand this new love.

It is pure. It is my soul. 

It erred to think you were a soulmate. 

Forgive me I will let you be in your life,

Forgive me for being weird for you. 

Forgive them for they know not what they let go.

Forgive them for they killed the purity of love. 

Go live your happy life, 

Go live your completeness. 

Forgive them for they are not at fault.

I didn't know I was unwanted

Dear SW, 

I didn't know you didn't cater to emotional fools like me. I didn't know you allowed bullying, mass hatred and gang attack. 

But i learnt something from you. 

I learnt how temporary relationships of friendship are to many people and their definition of friendship is also very different. 

I learnt that I am the most hated person there

I am sure i am already a history because they move on too fast.

I will not cry because someone very close said I was screaming and crying for a minute straight. She counted the time but never asked why. 

I will not do voice message because i am told it's to avoid proof. Proof of what? Crying for one minute? Did i say something?

They are all right and Danielle you came like an angel in my life.  I believed you, trusted you immediately. I still cannot process those eyes i saw in the picture were capable of destroying me emotionally forever that I stop believing in friendship. You knew! You knew! I trusted you! 

I had already stopped believing in love 11 years ago. Now you took even friendship away? 

But why ? What did i do so wrong to you ? 

Where I can be Me

In this quest for life I am embark on a journey to look for the meaning of my existence. I do not know why I am here, I do not know the purpose of my life, I am only dragging each day and going where life takes me. 

The past has always haunted me and the present is not any different. The future is very uncertain and all I can do is take the right actions in the present in order to make my future manageable. 

The world on this app is a reflection of myself, the self that i buried for a very long time. And through this application, I attempt to reveal myself in installments. 

Often times people ask on this application if you can be yourself here. And I am genuinely surprised because this is the only medium where I can unhesitantly be me. 

There are interesting and fun people out here with whom you can laugh for many hours in a day. How often can one do that in real life?

There are pros and cons to it as well but I have always been someone who looks at the benefits. 

That is not to say that the real life gets ignored because every time you wake up in the morning and everytime you go back to bed in the night you are reminded of all the things that are needed to be done. 

The storm of stress makes my mind go helter-skelter and I tell myself that all will be fine. That I am doing everything possible to make things right. 

Life's a Liability

Everything is temporary! f*** we think that we can go on living this life but in reality this life is just a liability. We die in installments, and we will never be able to come out of that liability until a revelation dawn's upon us.

 Because no matter how many times we try to settle our dues in life, there is always something new we have to pay for.

Sometimes we pay in relationships. By sacrificing, by compromising, by adjusting and only very later we realise we have become a different person. Or is it that we are still the same and this is just another part of a forced personality? The personality we don't like, the personality we cannot relate to, because we're only trying to please people we love. But that isn't us.

So the question is how many are willing to accept us as we are? I don't recall any one doing that. Because they are always advices and suggestions, the things we should do, the things we should not do, but i don't hear do whatever you feel like, be however you won't.