Where Are You?

When in extreme pain, I often without being consciously aware try and google ‘God’. How crazy you think I am is how crazy I think I am when I act upon it, yet my desperate need to find someone who can relate to what I feel increases with every incident. Idol stands numb in front of me and I am not sure if god resides within it. I do not know where else to look for him.

I hold too much impurity within me now that I cannot find you within me and even when I resolute I would not err, I repeat it. I do not know how to behave with these human beings who have weird thoughts on their mind; I do not know what makes them think so strange and I feel so alienated. I later give up and act in a way with them which my conscience chooses to not accept.

Foolish was the person who said goodness pays, because in this world what is required is a state of ‘no conscience’; where honesty is laughed upon.
I am stuck because I do not know to be anything else than this. Today I suffocate because I am trapped amidst a good soul and a pure human. The life of latter I detest to live.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

One thing You Miss The Most Is...

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Happiness’ and no matter how hard you try to be jovial and positive, particular things around you tend to go wrong. Despite the odds, you decide to stay calm and happy, but these things have their own way of screwing up with your mind and you desire to make yourself stronger to conquer that.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Peace’ and I do not remember the last time I felt it. The last feeling I got of peace was when my sis told to me, ‘You had a smile on your face when you were sleeping’.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘company of people who stayed with you despite the odds’. I tried to make things better, I tried giving everything I could, but yet I could not fulfill certain expectations. I truly miss these people who gave me that hug, who cared for me so much.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘simplicity’. I do not crave for a diamond ring to make me happy; A five rupee ring one can get from a Local train can make me truly happy because for some strange reason I would feel the connection, I would feel the bond, I would feel I am yours forever.

I do not need big flower bouquet from you; all that can make me happy is that one petal of rose and words of togetherness.

I do not need a dinner at an expensive restaurant; the one thing that made me happy was feeding you in the car from the Tiffin.

Today people seem to have alienated me; today my words are made fun of and people laugh about it; today people ask me to make most out of what luxuries I get for free and squeeze some more with tact of manipulation.

I never thought about myself even once when I got anything for you; I wanted you to have every object of luxury because I felt that’s what you only identity yourself with; I could not afford it, scrapped through that period with expenses, but managed to buy things for you, which you will truly use.

I do not need your money in any form; all I need is a sign that you truly love me.

Sometimes one thing you most miss is a ‘sign of love’.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Friendship in Love

Every time I would blog a new post, my meaning of ‘greater pain' would change. With every new day, I learn something I never did before; I experience something I never experienced before.

Often it is our brain that makes us cry by making us visualize memories of past. I wonder how conveniently we all in our literature of love accuse the heart for all the pain in love.

Losing your lover is not as painful as losing a friend in him.

Friendship is all about love, care and support and when we get all of it in its extreme, we get habituated to it. There are times when this friend becomes a lover, and I then wonder, what different a lover has to offer because I am pretty content with this friend in him. When for some reason, this person no more stays with us, it is not the love that we miss, but it is the friendship.

When we were not together, I did not know with whom to share all the silly things I experienced in the day; I did not know with whom I should gossip in humor; I did not know with whom I should share my worries and later laugh it out loud.

I hated watching movies, I hated going to restaurants, and I hated long drives because it was never going to a movie for me, it was never going to a restaurant- it simply was having you around me. Having you around me meant finding a worse movie amazing and relishing food as I never did before.

I wondered what missing love is all about because for me this is your friendship to me where I get love, care and support.

It is true that if you have a best friend in your lover, even if situations become grave in love, it will only be friendship that will get you two back again.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande

So screwed up !

Life has a wonderful way to screw us, and it mostly happens when we decide to not let feeling like love enter our life. It usually happens to us when we decide to be a robot and lead a life free of emotions.

Every time I decided to set myself free from this thing called love and lead a normal life where only career existed, I once in 4-5 years met someone who gave me hope to see happiness as it is and then he ended up screwing it like it had never been screwed before.

Every time I have loved someone with all my honesty, trust and loyalty; every time I have given everything possible I m capable of, I have been betrayed so miserably that the existence of love can be doubted. The worse thing is despite all of this I have never been able to dislike them, forget about hating them.

Sometimes it feels like I am just a tissue paper. Emotions mean a lot to me, love means a lot to me, but all people go gaga over is for looks; which is so futile… A person can have wonderful looks, but what matters is a clean conscience and a pure soul. I wish there was one person who could value this...

written by vrushali deshpande

Who would find out !

Every time I am hurt, my mind makes me aware of how short while it would be and in no time I will have no choice than to smile. Despite the pain being so unbearable, my mind forces me to be resilient and move on, while my heart on the other hand decides to take a pause.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

One thought, One line

“Stay positive and happy in life or God will make you go through one more painful experience to make you tough”, said my friend to me. Amazed at the thought, from then I felt nervous about every tear and complain. Fear from nervousness is again negative and now I do not know what to feel.

-Vrushali Deshpande

Joke of Life

It’s true when someone said, ‘We can never forget our first love’, and equally difficult to get over it. I have come to realize, it is the age in which we suffer from the pain of separation that influences our decisions in life.

Separation during teenage with your classmate is more memorable and painful or separation with your ‘would be fiancé’; separation with your fiancé is more painful or separation with your husband; separation from the man you meet and fall in love after your first divorce is more painful or separation from the man you meet, marry and get betrayed after your first divorce.

Isn’t it funny that experiences make us grow stronger mentally escalating our willpower and level of resilience, but as we grow with age, the relationship we get into escalates equally in its level of gravity and importance and this reflects on how we then choose to be in life.

Isn’t it funny that experiences make us realize our trust was betrayed so it’s time we learn from it, but as we grow with age, despite being strong, our level of faith in ‘trust’ depletes with repetitive betrayals and we wear more shields – Making less people in future to know how we really are!

Love meant the most ultimate thing to me in my life and career always followed later, but every time love made fun of me, laughed on my face and went, my career became stronger. There are very few positive things in life you do to distract yourself from the pain, instead of adapting to measures like drinking, partying to escape the emptiness. No matter you better your career or drink, the tears of pain remain cold in your eyes.

Honesty remained always my weakness and with it loyalty followed on its own. It took me a long time to realize that when you innocently unveil every thought in your mind, you let the person know you well enough to betray you in its most miserable way.

Sometimes you know every person at the back of your hand and you are known for your ability to know the devil inside them, but how strangely you falter all the time in love in seeing the devil within them.

Sometimes you trust someone so much that you let them have space to have a life of their own besides ‘love’. When later betrayed, more than holding them responsible, you wonder if there is something wrong you did to not give them enough love.

When you love someone so much they are all you think of. When later betrayed, people around you have to remind you to ask one question ‘Why?’ How embarrassed I went when it struck me I broke in tears before you but forgot to ask you why you did this to me.

This must be one of my very write-ups when I have not cried while writing, but the pain is far more than the ones I sob about.

Trust everyone, but just don’t trust the devil inside them!

Written by Vrushali Deshpande