Tell me !

Unknown hidden pain troubles me everyday
I crave to explore the reason of its being
This restless feeling gushes within me
And I beg to the invisible to set me free

I experience this ever increasing void
As I shout louder to him, ‘I love you’
Tell me if it’s something I am missing
Tell me if it’s someone I am missing

‘Being me’ with him makes me feel I am no more myself
It’s my ‘Self’ I do not recognize;
It’s my soul I disconnect with
I experience this wave of loneliness coming towards me
As I cry of past with a strong face pleading before him to hear me out!

I had lame parties and companions who I called friends
I had fatal cocktails and loud music to shun me from the world
Today I give him all my time
Today I surrender the entire ‘Self’ to him
Yet I experience this feeling of defeat
As I crave to share the world I ran away from
Tell me if it’s something I am missing
Tell me if it’s someone I am missing

Love meant everything to me
It is something I awaited for 26 years
Today it comes to me at its extreme
Today I experience care like I was never cared before
Yet I experience this feeling of incompleteness
As I hug him with all the emotions
Tell me if it’s something I am missing
Tell me if it’s someone I am missing

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Who are you ?

I had made one friend few years back,
I knew it was 'happiness' that she lacked.
She wanted to shout so loud that no one could hear,
She wanted a friend, who can be so dear.

Her every letter which formed a word was crying.
Her fictitious smile which she carried was dying.
The innocence was felt all the time
She asked me "Tell me, wont I ever smile?”

I taught her to be brave and strong,
and improvise on everything that went wrong.
26 years passed, now she has no more tears.
Looking at her blank expressions, I asked with fear,
“What have you done to yourself?”
She said “You asked me to smile, so someone taught me to pretend,
You told never to depend
so, i just couldn’t make even 1 friend.

I asked her "Do you think you are living this life?"
She said "Yes, i am breathing this air which is cutting me like a knife.
She said, "I always tried playing your role",
I smiled and asked her, "Who are you?"
She said "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I am your soul "

Written by: Vrushali Deshpande

Oktober Fest: A place where you can be YOU

Isn’t it funny when you see a huge crowd walking towards you as if they are deluded and surprisingly you do not fear that at all?

Isn’t it funny when you have a friendly banter with people who are complete strangers to you?

Welcome to the world of Oktober Fest held in Germany.

It did make me feel for a moment that my positional vertigo is back – Eh! Vertigo is an illusion of motion when the world around you spins due to some silly fluid movement in your ear. In Oktober fest, you would not see a single individual who can walk straight – quite obviously because it’s a beer festival and people are too high to walk on a straight line. Big fat ladies in their most revealing outfit serve you a huge mug (1 liter) of beer and while she serves you, she finishes a couple of them on her own as well.

It was hilarious and yet wonderful to see so many people happy and enjoy at the same time; it was fun to see people collapsing on each other yet with no indecent intention of pushing someone on purpose. It was surprising to talk to some Bavarians for hours and realize their extreme hunger to experience self –awareness and spirituality.

Wouldn’t you find it strange when you meet some people just like you, but all they do not know is the way to awaken spirit of introspection and train their conscience with deeper understanding of self?

Oktober fest is all about letting your trained mind over the years relax for few hours; when you do not anymore want to pretend; when you act what you feel and say what you think with no fear of being reciprocated in an evaluate manner.

A must visit once in your life!

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

They told me

They told me “Never tell your guy everything about yourself”; they told me “Never open up too much before him, let there be mystery”.

When I share my life with you, I do because you are a part of it. When I share my secrets with you, I do because you hold the right to know it all. I share a bond of wonderful friendship with you before anything else and I do not know a way to tweak in diplomacy. With you, I can be what I am.

Every time I hear you laughing, I cross my fingers secretly and pray this lasts forever in your life. Every time I hear you in pain, my heart fills with uncontrollable tears and all I wish is to hug you with all the warmth. Every time I hear your silence, I wish I never hurt you again.

Yes, I loved someone madly before I met you. Yes, I was mad enough to see hope in the relationship after every humiliation; even after I see some other girl love him right in front of my eyes. Yes, I was mad enough to cry helplessly and with every tear, I craved to hear him once. I gave six years of my life to him and it felt six seconds to him.

Love became a stranger to me and I could no more believe in it; it was my friend who took me out of it and helped me see the world from a new perspective. It is when I told myself not to believe that I have started liking him. If I remembered smiling again, it was only because of him. Yes, maybe he became more than just a friend.

I still remember the day when he left me forever. I still remember touching his cold feet and telling myself ‘This is the only time you can feel him’. I stored all his memories as I saw people taking him away.

Every time I see you looking at me with lot of love, I wish if I can love you back as much you do. Every time I feel the love, I ask suspiciously to myself if you are going to stay longer. Every time you hold my hand, I feel the warmth in your hand as much I can because I am too scared to have the thought of never feeling it again.

Today I give my heart and soul to someone once again; today I give my belief and trust to someone once again.

They told me “Never tell your guy everything about yourself”; they told me “Never open up too much before him, let there be mystery”.

But if I do not tell it all to you, whom do I have to tell it to…?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Respect your Love

Every person in his life wishes to meet the one who is made for them and I am not sure how many eventually get lucky with this. Before stepping into a relationship of love, we often wonder if he’s the one who is meant for us and after an awful break up, we start to doubt the celestial concept of meeting our soul mate. The next time love hints at us, we hope this relationship lasts forever and as it proceeds we again foolishly ask ourselves, ‘so is he the one?’ More often than not, this continues until we completely lose faith in this concept of meeting the latter half of your soul.

Life acts funny when you are out of your dream world, letting reality in its extreme practical sense creep into your life and you meet someone who from an acquaintance becomes a friend and from a friend becomes the one with whom you can share your deepest secrets without fear in your heart; with whom you can share your past without tears in your eyes; with whom you can share present without hesitance; with whom you can share your future ambitions as if you two were one. You share a relationship where you read his thoughts as though you can hear them in his silence; you share a bond where you get the vibe from his body within the first few seconds of your meet that he is upset about something or has had a bad day. The relationship goes beyond words like ‘celestial’ and ‘supernatural’.

With immense love follows expectations and you wonder why you expect so much from this person when you never did in any of your past relationship despite the hardship involved into it. When reality does not meet expectations, one may get angry and this when suppressed slowly pushes into your subconscious mind. When complaints from past relationships are suppressed the unresolved anger often gets directed unfairly in your present relationship. This incapability to discuss complaints and vent out your frustration with the person of past makes you to later see his negative resemblance in your present relationship and this especially happens when your present relationship says or does something that is closer to the past which apparently once caused a lot of pain to you.

When angry over any issue with your love, discuss it out intelligently or you may end up losing the one you waited for your life because of the unresolved grievances of your past. Remember, chances are miniscule that we meet the one made for us; remember, it is not often that we seek love from them and it is an absolute fortune and rarity that we get to spend our whole life with them. Treasure them when you get them; and if you don’t then the next time you cry, you will lose the right to complain before God, begging for love to step into your life.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Smiling Tears

I write only when I do not share with my loved ones the things that upset me the most; I write only when I am well assured none I know will be able to feel within them what I intend them to understand; I write only when I do not want to be a victim of some so called friends who bring up your weakness and problems shared with them in fights. It is only then that I blog.

15 years ago I used a notepad made out of scraps of electronic device’s packaging material and a pen that was first visible to my naked eye. I did not share with a walking, talking creature then as well.

Today on my birthday, I write because I experience ‘Smiling Tears’ from a perspective I never thought of when I first came up with this title. For me it always meant the attitude of being strong and smiling in life despite the odds.

Every time people who knew me in person asked if ‘Smiling tears’ means tears of happiness, I wondered if I give out such positive vibes and I hoped they never Google my blog to be later disappointed with extreme level of gloominess.

Every time people who knew me visited my blog and said ‘I can understand’, I was surprised at the simplicity at which they looked at my complicated emotions.

The frequency at which I stayed connected with friends, I am taken aback that there are so many people who remember my birthday; especially when they are not even on any of my social networking sites. I am shameless to admit, that’s the only way I get to know my friends birthdays.

Thanks a ton to my friends in media; journalists, bollywood film producers and PR professionals.

Thanks a ton to all my juniors from Graduation College who have wished me every year since the time they have met me.

Thanks a ton to my colleagues because you helped me see relationship beyond the meaning of professionalism.

Thanks a ton to my dearest family who has given me everything I ever asked for! Love you all the most.

Thanks for making me experience Smiling Tears in its most simplest way, 'Tears of Happiness'

Surprise Surprise! Advance Happy Birthday!

‘Overwhelming’, is a very small expression to the gesture I am receiving from people around me. Just one day before my birthday I am loaded with gifts from family, friends & colleagues and it indeed is surprising when you get an amazing gift from people you never expected even in the weirdest dream.

Today I have come to realize the existence of people in my life who did not necessarily had to be sweet with me. No, it isn’t about the money they spent to buy me those gifts, but a simple gesture of making me feel good; the most natural smile they had on their face when they saw me happy.

I believe that a person can earn millions and billions but it is their emotion which they want me to see and not the fancy gift really. I saw it on their face; in their eyes so evidently that I did not know I can be special to so many people.
Today I have to come realize there have been people who are exceptionally nice to me despite my untimely mood flings and yet they keep their patience. I guess it’s time for me to observe the nice souls, value them just a little more and treasure them forever in my life.

Amidst the whole ‘turning 26’ sadness, for a change I don’t feel that bad anymore! Haha!

@ 12:00 am it's going to be time to open the gift from work, an amazingly delectable 'White Wine'.