Sedated to lose the moments of life...

As I was brushing my hair in the morning, before heading to office, I recalled that day when you went down on your knees to propose me. Do you know, I already knew you were removing the ring, but I acted surprised naturally? I turned my back to you, so that you could enjoy the moment of proposing me. 

As I was brushing my hair today I rubbed my left thumb on my engagement ring… I kept doing it for 5 seconds today, only to realize, I no more wear your ring. I did not know what to react. 

Am I getting too lost in you? 

I do not call you or message you because I do not want to get hurt. I love you too much to let someone walk into my life. But I am too hurt to shed a tear.

I vision you with someone else and I genuinely wish you receive that love, which I could not offer you, according to you. I do not call you, thinking, what if you are already in someone’s life.  I do not want to cheat that girl you are with, just the way some girl cheated me, for being with you. 

Today, I shout, asking you, “Why did you go?”  I needed you…didn’t you know that? I do not want to call you anymore and tell you how much I love you, because every time I do, I end up fighting with you for leaving me.

I know things were rough with us, after i realized she was in your life, but I could not bear the thought that the guy I love so much is involved with someone else at the same time. I wish, if I could compromise…May be it wasn’t as real with her as it was with me for you, but yet the fancy affected me deeply. I loved you too truly; too purely. 

“This is blindness. You make no sense. Why accept someone who was even remotely sending intimate messages to some other girl?” 

What will it take to forget you? Is it possible to pay someone to do that for me? Meditation does not help. Being too occupied with work does not help. Being quiet does not help. Partying does not help. Am I stuck? Do I really love you?

Do you know I do not say your mobile number loud, hoping, that one day, I would forget it? Why do I have this basic memory to remember your number?

My god knew that you were involved in that girl, before you met me. My God planned this for me. Did I do so much wrong to someone to lose the person I love so much…

When did I become so low on my introspection to not recall the grave sins I did to deserve this? Yes, I know I did wrong to many, but was it so big that I lost you forever? Was it so big to desire to stay alone forever?

 Written by Vrushali Deshpande