Forgiving yourself

The biggest guilt is not when you desperately ask for forgiveness from him; it is when you plead before yourself to forgive the sin you think is more than crime. Such is helplessness that you do not know how to convince yourself to say ‘It’s okay’.
I am more than confident lately that I am doomed and my mistakes cannot be pardoned anymore. I do not know when I changed so much to become unacceptable to my ‘self’.

Deep down I know I do not wish for anything bad for anyone. You cannot think that for someone you call a friend; and I do not think any one is a foe to me. Yet the utmost rejection by my conscience and I do not know how to get myself back.

I know I do not have much time left to get my self back because one act of sin can get me to lose everything. I am running under the pressure of time and I only hope to make everything alright.

My sanity has become my neighbor whom I do not visit often. My goodness has become my weakness which I prefer not to show to people. It looks like I do not have a grip on my emotions anymore and I do not know which part of me within has been so hurt for me to become that way. What am I looking for? Do I miss having a conversation with myself?

I tried doing that but I do not recall the language of communicating with self anymore. Why has this all become so difficult when it was something I was once very good at? And with this incompetency of not finding answers, I repeat the mistakes and once again become unacceptable to my self.