The pain I am talking about is the deep-rooted fear and anxiety that grips me and refuses to let go. It is a pain that I never experienced before, and I wonder if even pain has its own intensity of being torturous.
It isn't that I don't want to see you lead a happy life. It is just that I realize I was always pulling you back, sinking you in my lonely ocean of sorrows.
It isn't that I think you will abandon me. It is the terrorizing fear in the form of claustrophobic anxiety that begs the question, "What if?" What if you get too busy in your new life? What if I don't remain your priority anymore? Why is that so hard to assume because it is so obvious to happen. And then one day What if you realize you had enough?
These thoughts may seem irrational to you, but to me, they are like a dark cloud that hovers over my head, constantly reminding me of my insecurities. They consume my mind and suffocate me with their intensity. And the worst part is, I cannot seem to escape them.
Written by Vrushali Deshpande
That I trusted someone at a very basic level to be humane with me. I guess it is difficult to be a normal human in this generation and yet they expect love when they are themselves incapable of it .
I keep telling my idiotic heart to not like anyone. Yet after a few years it likes someone as a friend and pours out everything. I tell my stupid heart people don't value that so never tell, never share.
Yesterday I did after 11 fucking years!! I keep telling my heart you are not allowed to feel at all.
It is a huge deal for me to share anything at all. Sometimes I wonder if I should be emotionally closed for others to value.
Left the world of fame which was nothing but a figment of somebody's imagination. Now walking towards something that makes me smile. Fame was never my aim and wealth was never my ambition. I only wanted to feel happy in whatever I experience. Today when people learn of my past they are stunned and so am I. They wonder how could I leave it all and I wonder what is such a big deal?
I should be happy wherever I am, whatever I am, however I am.
It's very rarely that I feel this emotion of love towards someone and even if I feel it i have been always hesitant to tell them. Anyone I had pure love for has doubted, questioned and trust me nothing can hurt more than that.
I am a foolish person to feel it.
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