That I fooled you?

I mean every word that I say or I would not say it at all. I feel every emotion that I express or I would not let you know at all. To me words define the way I am to myself.  What I am to you is how I treat myself.

I am not disappointed that you accused me of fooling you. I am disappointed at myself that just my being for so many years was not enough!  I am disappointed that since then I have been waking up almost every night in tears. I am disappointed that I love you enough to reprimand myself each day since then for a sin I have not committed.  

It does not matter how hard you get on me. What mattered to me was the love you gave me. It does not matter to me that you did not bid me farewell.  What mattered to me was you came back to say take care. It does not matter to me that you do not want to see my face again. What mattered to me was that you saw me once for that one last time. 

Is everything at all really a lie to you? Is every bit of me that I poured out really a lie to you? 

You always said, “We meet people twice.”  I will make sure that your wish of never seeing me again comes true.  Believe it for once that this pain which I yet cannot express in words will stay within me. 

Was everything that I wrote to you, said to you, really a lie to you?  Couldn’t you see me breaking down each day emotionally and destroying my physical being? Was the latter a lie to you too?

I stayed for you. I then left for myself.  I was honest to you then.  I am honest to you even now.

But if only you asked me once what is it besides everything that I hid from you, I would have said it all without thinking once.  

If I was honest to you then without you probing, why would not I be now?

You chose to escape the ugly part of the conflict for two months and decided to move on. I did the same just one week prior to going away.

I never believed you fooled me by escaping it. Why did you believe I did so then?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande