'Mannat'

Often I come across people from farther parts of the country traveling from the over crowded ‘Mumbai Darshan’ bus, with an intention to see Mumbai aka Bombay the way they always saw it in the movies. I do not know if what they expect Mumbai to be is what it turns out to be. I do not know what thoughts they have on their mind when they decide to have their vacation in the country’s most populated city; where every person is so preoccupied in his own world.

Often I come across this ‘Mumbai Darshan’ bus passing through the bandstand road in Bandra, halting right outside ‘Mannat’ – the pent house of India’s most successful, rich and famous film star, Mr. Shahrukh Khan.

People’s expressions lit in joy as they try to look inside Mannat; the house which is in itself barely visible and the secure entrance does not let you see anything. Yet people with all their attempts try to peek in; hoping to get one glance at this celebrity who happens to thrive on the same planet we do.

While I see these commuters excite in amazement, pinching themselves if they are actually standing right outside his house, makes me wonder if a person who never spoke with them, whom they never saw or met in real life can make a difference in their life.

As I stand on the balcony and watch all of this with curiosity, I remove my cellular and click Mannat from the third floor of the neighboring apartment; and wonder if this house they intend to see and yet cannot view, really means so much to them.

As I stare at the picture, truly wanting to feel the excitement in their heart, I wonder this view which is so easily accessible to me means immense happiness to someone standing on the other side of the road. I learn what means nothing to one, means everything to someone. It is not always the big things in life that make you happy, but the joy you find in small things.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Nightmare

Every day I continue my act of breathing, telling the world around me that it does not mean to me anymore.Every night before sleeping he tells me “sweet dreams” and when I am in deep sleep, I often cry in the middle of night having you in my dream. Every night I wake up in tears craving to talk to you once; wishing you would console me once again and make me go off to sleep just the way you did that night.

My sleepless nights; my dead days sulks me more and more into loneliness and my body goes warmer in fever with all this ever since the day you left me. I do not remember being normal anymore. I never understood loneliness so much ever before.

Sometimes I wish if there could be any way of hearing you without having to connect to your voice mail. Sometimes I wish if there could be any way I could feel you without letting you know ever about it. Sometimes I wish if all this was just bad a dream and I am going to truly smile as soon I wake up.

Every evening I close my eyes and imagine my life with you; I smile in that journey, I fight with you in that dream and I love you unconditionally like I have never before. Sometimes I wish if you had a bigger reason to leave me so abruptly right when I had surrendered the girl within me to you. Sometimes I wish if I could ever stop loving you.

An Unconventional Arrange Marriage Set Up

The day I convinced my mind for an arranged set up, I imagined a very convenient way to go about especially when love affair did not hold water. The day I convinced my mind to know someone completely new, I did not know I have taken the decision to experience the biggest gamble of relationship.

I did not think it would be difficult for me to express my real ‘self’ before because words always made it possible for me; I did not think it would be a task for me to understand someone because it is ‘listening’ that upgrades my learning everyday. I did not take time to make friends and while I ticked on every such point, I was assured ‘arrange’ would not be such a big deal at all.

While faces can change and words may sound different in every rendezvous, what remains inconsistent is the feeling you get for each of them. I realized that out of the countless you meet; it is only with few you can actually connect with.

I showed thumbs up to this concept hoping to really like the person I eventually get hooked up to because I know love takes time. While it is too easy to hold numerous meetings with one; it is our heart that can make us feel meetings to be interesting or boring.

While it is too easy to have intelligent conversations with one; it is the call from our heart that eventually attracts us towards them. While it is too easy to evaluate someone according to our priorities and behavior; it is our heart that makes us feel love for them.

I cannot fake liking; I cannot fake concern; I cannot fake my feelings and while more or less some people are fine, I do not know to say a ‘yes’ because I am nowhere remotely attracted towards them.

Often when we receive care from the person; we start to value the feelings they hold towards us. Funny isn’t it, when people evaluate you on your every reaction trying to conclude the image of your character in their mind?

Your heart is too closed and does not feel anything for specific people and their reciprocation is too evaluating in nature, leaving no scope for any emotional connection at all.

While the people I connect with emotionally do not turn out to be secure mentally and the ones I do not connect with on that level are the ones I end up feeling like a good old buddy, and having any such thought will be an absolute unacceptable gesture.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Solitude

Sometimes you neither feel emptiness within you nor silence; you neither recall the morning nor the moment before you sleep off. Tears no more have a role to play and laughter seems long forgotten. There neither is any hope nor any energy to see one.

Sometimes there are some people who become a part of your routine and they are in your every activity of the day. Life takes a pause when your chores do not leave you, but people who were part of it do. Isn’t it strange, how you still hear them tease you?

You never realize that silence with them is making you break into parts; and these pieces scattered and lost, never willing to come back to you ever again.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

5th June 2010

Disturbing nights are not the ones when you see your love going away from you in a nightmare; but it is when he loves you unconditionally in the dream even though he is nowhere around you in real. Distressful sleep is not when you wake up once or twice in fear after a ghostly nightmare; but it is when you wake up every hour with these jerks wanting to make yourself believe he has not left you. Funny isn’t it, the way our mind tries to make us believe in a lie in the middle of the night; innocently wanting us to sleep in peace for few more hours before the bright day light exposes us to the bitter reality.

Sometimes people we truly love and care for surprise us with their decisions and despite hours of crying, the next day you still cannot believe it happened. Funny isn’t it, the way our heart loves them so madly that even our mind chooses to not believe the reality.

Sometimes we love someone so much that on one hand we want them to give us one last chance for a mistake we are not aware of and on the other hand we choose to go quiet; making the act as less guilty as possible for them; making the departure as easy as possible for them. Funny isn’t it, the way our heart sulks making us forget to ask them for a long time the reason behind their action.

I long waited for the rains because monsoons make me want to smile from my heart. Funny isn’t it that on one hand my heart was shattered in pain, my eyes drenched in tears and on the other hand my mind was making me hear the sound of the first rain.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande