Sinking In Dark Waters

I can't help but feel a sense of dread. It's not because I am afraid of the unknown, but because I can see my future getting darker at the hands of someone who is currently a significant part of my present. Someone who claims to care for me and wants me in their life but unintentionally is making it impossible for me to have a worthy future.

As much as I try to stay positive and focus on building a successful future for myself, their behavior keeps interfering with my mental efforts. Every day feels like a battle, trying to make something out of myself while constantly being pushed back into a dark hole.

It's mentally exhausting, always having to deal with someone who seems unconcerned about the impact their actions have on my life. Their unconsciousness towards being the cause of my life's destruction is heart wrenching  It's like trying to swim against the current, only to realize that the person you thought was your anchor is the one dragging you down.

I often find myself sinking in dark waters, struggling to keep my head above water. But what's even more challenging is knowing that I am navigating through this alone having no one around to shout for help as I drown. It's a lonely journey, one that I never expected to take.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if anyone even has an inkling of this burden I carry every day of my 40 years of life. It's as if my efforts and hardships are invisible to those around me, and I am left to bear it all on my own. I wish someone would give me a small hint, a glimmer of hope, acknowledging my endurance. 

As each day passes, I can feel time slipping through my fingers. It's like trying to hold onto sand; no matter how tightly I grip, it always finds a way to escape. And with each passing moment, I can't help but wonder if my "being" itself is nonexistent in the real world.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

The Torturous Intensity of Fear and Anxiety

The pain I am talking about is the deep-rooted fear and anxiety that grips me and refuses to let go. It is a pain that I never experienced before, and I wonder if even pain has its own intensity of being torturous.

It isn't that I don't want to see you lead a happy life. It is just that I realize I was always pulling you back, sinking you in my lonely ocean of sorrows. 

It isn't that I think you will abandon me. It is the terrorizing fear in the form of claustrophobic anxiety that begs the question, "What if?" What if you get too busy in your new life? What if I don't remain your priority anymore? Why is that so hard to assume because it is so obvious to happen. And then one day What if you realize you had enough?

These thoughts may seem irrational to you, but to me, they are like a dark cloud that hovers over my head, constantly reminding me of my insecurities. They consume my mind and suffocate me with their intensity. And the worst part is, I cannot seem to escape them.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande 

I made another mistake

That I trusted someone at a very basic level to be humane with me. I guess it is difficult to be a normal human in this generation and yet they expect love when they are themselves incapable of it .

Fucking stupid heart

I keep telling my idiotic heart to not like anyone. Yet after a few years it likes someone as a friend and pours out everything. I tell my stupid heart people don't value that so never tell, never share. 

Yesterday I did after 11 fucking years!! I keep telling my heart you are not allowed to feel at all. 

It is a huge deal for me to share anything at all. Sometimes I wonder if I should be emotionally closed for others to value. 

Fame & Wealth

Left the world of fame which was nothing but a figment of somebody's imagination.  Now walking towards something that makes me smile. Fame was never my aim and wealth was never my ambition.  I only wanted to feel happy in whatever I experience.  Today when people learn of my past they are stunned and so am I. They wonder how could I leave it all and I wonder what is such a big deal?

I should be happy wherever I am, whatever I am, however I am.