Where Are You?

When in extreme pain, I often without being consciously aware try and google ‘God’. How crazy you think I am is how crazy I think I am when I act upon it, yet my desperate need to find someone who can relate to what I feel increases with every incident. Idol stands numb in front of me and I am not sure if god resides within it. I do not know where else to look for him.

I hold too much impurity within me now that I cannot find you within me and even when I resolute I would not err, I repeat it. I do not know how to behave with these human beings who have weird thoughts on their mind; I do not know what makes them think so strange and I feel so alienated. I later give up and act in a way with them which my conscience chooses to not accept.

Foolish was the person who said goodness pays, because in this world what is required is a state of ‘no conscience’; where honesty is laughed upon.
I am stuck because I do not know to be anything else than this. Today I suffocate because I am trapped amidst a good soul and a pure human. The life of latter I detest to live.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

One thing You Miss The Most Is...

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Happiness’ and no matter how hard you try to be jovial and positive, particular things around you tend to go wrong. Despite the odds, you decide to stay calm and happy, but these things have their own way of screwing up with your mind and you desire to make yourself stronger to conquer that.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Peace’ and I do not remember the last time I felt it. The last feeling I got of peace was when my sis told to me, ‘You had a smile on your face when you were sleeping’.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘company of people who stayed with you despite the odds’. I tried to make things better, I tried giving everything I could, but yet I could not fulfill certain expectations. I truly miss these people who gave me that hug, who cared for me so much.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘simplicity’. I do not crave for a diamond ring to make me happy; A five rupee ring one can get from a Local train can make me truly happy because for some strange reason I would feel the connection, I would feel the bond, I would feel I am yours forever.

I do not need big flower bouquet from you; all that can make me happy is that one petal of rose and words of togetherness.

I do not need a dinner at an expensive restaurant; the one thing that made me happy was feeding you in the car from the Tiffin.

Today people seem to have alienated me; today my words are made fun of and people laugh about it; today people ask me to make most out of what luxuries I get for free and squeeze some more with tact of manipulation.

I never thought about myself even once when I got anything for you; I wanted you to have every object of luxury because I felt that’s what you only identity yourself with; I could not afford it, scrapped through that period with expenses, but managed to buy things for you, which you will truly use.

I do not need your money in any form; all I need is a sign that you truly love me.

Sometimes one thing you most miss is a ‘sign of love’.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Friendship in Love

Every time I would blog a new post, my meaning of ‘greater pain' would change. With every new day, I learn something I never did before; I experience something I never experienced before.

Often it is our brain that makes us cry by making us visualize memories of past. I wonder how conveniently we all in our literature of love accuse the heart for all the pain in love.

Losing your lover is not as painful as losing a friend in him.

Friendship is all about love, care and support and when we get all of it in its extreme, we get habituated to it. There are times when this friend becomes a lover, and I then wonder, what different a lover has to offer because I am pretty content with this friend in him. When for some reason, this person no more stays with us, it is not the love that we miss, but it is the friendship.

When we were not together, I did not know with whom to share all the silly things I experienced in the day; I did not know with whom I should gossip in humor; I did not know with whom I should share my worries and later laugh it out loud.

I hated watching movies, I hated going to restaurants, and I hated long drives because it was never going to a movie for me, it was never going to a restaurant- it simply was having you around me. Having you around me meant finding a worse movie amazing and relishing food as I never did before.

I wondered what missing love is all about because for me this is your friendship to me where I get love, care and support.

It is true that if you have a best friend in your lover, even if situations become grave in love, it will only be friendship that will get you two back again.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande