Life's a Liability

Everything is temporary! f*** we think that we can go on living this life but in reality this life is just a liability. We die in installments, and we will never be able to come out of that liability until a revelation dawn's upon us.

 Because no matter how many times we try to settle our dues in life, there is always something new we have to pay for.

Sometimes we pay in relationships. By sacrificing, by compromising, by adjusting and only very later we realise we have become a different person. Or is it that we are still the same and this is just another part of a forced personality? The personality we don't like, the personality we cannot relate to, because we're only trying to please people we love. But that isn't us.

So the question is how many are willing to accept us as we are? I don't recall any one doing that. Because they are always advices and suggestions, the things we should do, the things we should not do, but i don't hear do whatever you feel like, be however you won't. 

Final Chapter - Part 2

When I'm in my depression, darkness is my life. Thoughts swirl around me, and I am engulfed by despair. My battered mind and soul are confused and weakened, unable to fight off dark thoughts. The only glimmer of hope is that death will finally bring the peace I so desperately seek. I'm supposed to be able to wipe these thoughts out of my mind just by ignoring them—but this is not as easy as it sounds, when suicide feels like the only option for relief.

Final Chapter - Part 1

Detachment from life is all I know. I have no feelings of happiness or sadness. Disconnection with reality has left me in a zombie state of mind. Life passes me by without any recollection. The only things I believe to be real are my tears. Loneliness from the outside world is my sanctuary because within my own darkness, I am safe from the outside.

True Self

I have come to realise that people aren't what they show they are. They live in a delusional world where they like to believe they are good human beings. I am not saying there isn't good in them. There definitely is but how you deal in your tough circumstances truly brings out the real you. 

Lonely in Lockdown

You never know what life shows you and nothing can be an apt example than this 1.5 years of Covid lockdown. After April 2009 when recession hit Globally, I never knew getting a productive and competitive job will be such a big challenge. Things did go pretty much as planned until 2019 and like many I had no idea what this lockdown will do to me psychologically. 

It is an everyday struggle to self motivate and convince myself after many rejections that I am not useless. It is a rigorous effort to sustain self confidence when somewhere subconsciously, I do have a feeling it isn't how it used to be for over a decade. Am I losing touch ? Will I forget what I learnt ? These questions may seem silly because that is like asking a past swimmer if he/she remembers to swim at all. 

In this 1.5 years phase, I have never felt more lonelier. Everytime I attempted to express my feelings, I was immediately told to be positive. How about listening to me for a change and understanding why I feel the way I feel? Everytime I attempted to express my fears and doubts, I was told to stop thinking negative. 

Well ! Lockdown does that to the best of the best optimistic person. I never did recall doubting myself, being in fear of the future because I don't want to be  dependent being an adult. One thing that always remained intact was my self confidence and it still is somewhere. I don't know for how long. 

This journey is lonelier. Tears are shed secretly when no one can watch and I wish there was at least one person before whom I can cry my heart out and throw up the poison that's spreading inside since 1.5 years. 

Disowned by the Self

This void that I feel in every moment of my being is filled just a little by someone. These screams that mute the conversations in my mind is intensely painful than the commotion of my thoughts itself.

For seven years, I found comfort in separating my soul from my body because I couldn't bear to accept even the vibration of love and care. The self I allowed to be somehow feels betrayed now because loneliness, detachment and being ascetic was my eternal vow to the person.

I am in the fear of regretting it because I am afraid the only thing left, that is my emptiness, will not accept me later based on the excuse of regret. 

I am on the edge of darkness, no more afraid to fall but troubled with the feeling of possible pain. As tears roll down, I fail to realise the reason behind this piercing in my heart. With that someone, all of it disappears and the aches begin yet again in their absence. 

It's surreal to receive love because for once I don't doubt it's purity. And because it is surreal, I am afraid that even my loneliness won't accept me again for betraying it once.

I am mentally exhausted waiting for answers despite being certain of what harm it will do to me. Not self harm but lost in a world I can never come back from. 

I am tired smiling even when the person makes me happy from within but with each smile, I doubt it's longetivity and all that I feel creeps in back again. 

I could only hope this person resided within me to make completeness my absolute permanence. But then again, it's surreal, isn't it? 

Love comes with pain

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When you love someone more than you love yourself, you want to give them everything you have. When they hurt you, you can't hate them. You just can't hate because the love is so much. 

We were destined to meet and give love to each other for at least sometime. In the process, we ended up hurting each other. But love isn't that fades away with pain and betrayal. Love is tested in its most difficult times, when things aren't as pleasant as you would hope.

Sometimes when the agony is too much, you have to take a step back and remember that you were friends before you fell in love with each other. Love is friendship. Love is respect and Love is trust. 

If we don't have friendship, respect and trust between us, there cannot be love left. 

Love does give us pleasure but it also comes with pain. There is no strong relationship that never suffered through its journey. 

Today, my tears are choking in my throat and I am suffering to cry my heart out. But I am unable to cry, I choose to punish myself by burying the pain inside me. 

My heart loves you too much that it doesn't want to ask you the reason you got so detached from me one day and held me responsible for no fault of mine.

I read our chats so many times today and I know I didn't have the courage to delete the chats because that's my only memory of you.  Today the same chats pierce through my heart, causing a lot of heartache. But how can I stop reading them? What else do I have of you?

When I open the chat to read, tears roll down my eyes and I go on scrolling up to read your messages full of love and care. My broken heart tells me to stop reading because there's so much love in your messages and my heartache increases with each message.

But I went on reading until I threw my phone away from uncontrollable tears. 

You gave me the hope of togetherness. You made me dream our future together. I am not hurt because I love you. I am hurt because I know you truly loved me. Your love was not a lie and that is not something I will get anymore. 

My heart wants you to achieve a lot of success in life. My soul wants all your dreams to come true. 

What will hurt me more is if you are sad. Never hate yourself for any reason. Make good out of your life, achieve your ambitions and be happy. 

Just remember in one corner of the world someone can never stop loving you.