Words

There's so much one can say in words,
There's so much one can choose to not say.
There's so much you said that you believed in,
There's nothing I had anymore to say.
My thoughts were my impressions and not my judgment,
I say this aloud, I am no one to judge anyone.
Yet so much you judged, so much you felt about me,
And there was nothing I had anymore to say.

We all have choices and choices we make,
I had a choice just like yours to speak your words, to hurt you back,
But I had no such thoughts so impure to say.
There's so much you said, there's so much you felt,
I have no anger, I have no ill wishes,
I just have nothing more to say.

I am this and I am that, I was this and I was that.
You judged my past, you judged my present, you concluded my future,
I lived this life, I live this time and I shall continue to be,
And for my entire life there's so much you said, there's so much you judged,
But I have nothing on it to say.

You may be right according to you,
I don't wish to decide for you
Is that how much you understood of me?
Is that how much low you thought of me?
There's so much you said, there's so much you felt,
I will never have anything more to say.

I did not do enough for you, did I?

I did not do enough for you, did I? 

It does not matter if people around me talk ill about me.  It does matter what you feel. It does not matter if they ridicule me behind my back. What matters is if you agree with them. 

I do not crave for success; I do not aspire for anything materialistic.  I do not believe life is a game that I need to see how I win it. I do not react to people who bitch about me because I have no place in my heart to wish ill for them; because I do not have the soul to use impure words for them.  It isn’t about ignoring them; it is about forgiving them as they say it. 

Do not take my silence as my weakness; do not take my ignorance as my cowardice.  I do not believe in “goodness”; I believe in playing my role of a human in this life.

With you I laughed. With you I truly smiled. Do you know I have not laughed for a long time now?

My laugh reminds me of you and you remind me of how I disappointed someone I love so much. 

I did not do enough for you, did I?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Want to believe you are angry!

Must have been in this life, that I must be cursed.  Rarity of my involvement in someone cannot make it purely coincidental that they go away from me always. I vow after every loss that I would not let love get over me again.  But this time yet again I end up reprimanding myself on purpose for loving someone so purely unknowingly. 

I have lost the control on my tears and I now fail miserably to freeze my expressions.  You cared, you loved, but you never said.  You protected, you worried, but you never said.  You loved me in your own way and I appreciated every expression of it. 

But it took you just a day to bring everything to an end. You did not let me speak; you did not let me discuss the fate of our relationship; you did not give me an opportunity to argue with you. I am not sure if I would have argued with you. May be not. But the point is, you did not give me an opportunity.

You slammed the door on my face and I decided to not knock it again. It occurred to me later that it was the last day I ever saw you, that it was the last time you said good-bye to me.  

I do not want to explain. I do not want to justify. I do not want to appear weak before you because you liked me strong. I do not want to cry before you, because you liked me when I smiled.

I want to believe that you will be angry with me for life. I want to believe you will never talk to me. I want to believe that my chapter is over and you have flipped through the pages and moved ahead.

 Written by Vrushali Deshpande