Friday, May 13, 2016

Almost Going Away

Life has completely lost its meaning, but if it does mean anything at all in the remote part of my brain, then simply means, "Survival."

What is it that I have which makes me look forward to anything at all? Everything seems to be losing its way, but if there is anything I can think of, then it is my ability to be me, "Me."

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Frozen by the pyre

How  much more uglier can life get; how much more numb can I get?

I am desperate to vent out this pain that I feel; I haven't shed a tear on your death.  How much more immune can I get?

Have I been cursed or plain unlucky to lose two of my most loved ones at one go? I am walking out of my life. I am walking out on God.

Today, when I most need someone, I have none. Have I been so bad afterall?

These words are just too heavy for me to feel its worth anymore. Anything that I express feels irrelevant and unimportant.

Have I become so lonely afterall?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Tears and Rain



How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Incompleteness

She brought a smile to my face as she playfully teased me. And as I saw her step out of the house I live in, I was reminded by my 1 year 5 month old niece how incomplete I am.

Motherhood calling isn't as pleasant as I once thought it would be. I do not have it in me to find faith in a man yet again. I have it in me to unconditionally love a part of me -  my child. Motherhood calling brings tears as easily as it never has been.

Routine has gripped my loneliness so much that tears do not find a place within me.
I am deaf to the music in that lounge; I am numb to people and their mind games. I shop beyond limits to find happiness and I still feel incomplete. Alcohol only makes my silence more apparent and pain more evident in my satirical conversations.

I cry every day for a reason I do not know for sure. It feels sometimes that I am waiting for something desperately and it feels sometimes that I need nothing anymore.

Yet amidst all this the only thing that brings a smile to my face is my niece. Her departure only grips me more into my loneliness.

Written by Vrushali

Friday, September 20, 2013

Faith

Some promise and some break it. Some ask you to have faith in them; they assure you and keep so much at stake.

It isn't easy to fight our own battles, but it is far more difficult when others fight your battles for you. 

There you meet those who stand there to see you fail and you believe their words.
There you meet the one who stands there to see you succeed and you don't believe her words.

As I walked lifelessly on the empty streets of Gateway, I asked myself, " Why is it difficult for people to have faith in me?" . As I thought, I walked aimlessly watching the sea waves, hoping to find its answer in it.

It doesn't matter what I say, what I assure.
It doesn't matter what I feel, how much I love.

As I walked tearfully on the empty pavements of Colaba, I am awakened by the hard push of a Tempo. It's rusted body brushes through my arm ruthlessly causing excruciating pain.  I don't shout despite the agony. It isn't just me but my reflexes have numbed me a lot more than I thought.

No one saw me stumble on the dirty patch of the road and I continued bleeding hoping for the blood to stop.

I move my arm delicately to see my skin tear off. It is then that my thoughts paused.

As I lie on this hospital bed tonight, I recall everything I felt.  These medications sedate me to numb my mind. Little did they know, it only needed a thought to get me there.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Un(?)Complicated Life !



As quiet I have been in last three weeks, as frozen I feel since past few years.  This day which you live somewhere around me, I pause emotionally each moment of it. I am not a sad soul who needs some help to revive happiness. I am just a little less ignorant than you are to let go cruelty, inhumanity as casually as you do. I concealed this all these years and pretentiously gave out an ignorant vibe, just the way you realistically do. But just that now I even lose the pretense of it. 


I am a paradox of my inherent self and my gullibility no more keeps me going in the humanly proclaimed world “sane”. There is just too much shit going on at every walk of life. Cricket and soccer are not the only sports people are enthusiastic about; chess is not the only game that challenges a witty and defeats a mind. Chess is most fantastically played by experts in maneuvering relationships. Just that the board they use is not as clearly distinguished between white and black; it simply is too grey. 


It is funny how easy it is to conceal evil and portray goodness but difficult to covert an over-proportioned belly and look thin. Just so easily life is defined, isn’t it? 


I am not in need of any company; I am in most comfort in the loneliness of my being. I smile at my lines with sarcastic genuineness and watch people around me live their self in the way they can most enjoy. Junior college young lads and girls sit out gulping a tank of beer and seem to be laughing till glory. I spent mine sitting on the bench outside college eating vada pav stuffed with green chilies. I did not need alcohol then to be high on life.  Just so easily life was then defined, wasn’t it?


I am at that phase of life where "so called eligible men" meet me for marriage. Is it with me or with them that I find a man with a failed marital relationship looking for marriage more interesting than a single fascinated by my Photoshoped pictures? I would readily happily turn down the latter for the former to find realism in relationship. 


Written by Vrushali

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Words

There's so much one can say in words,
There's so much one can choose to not say.
There's so much you said that you believed in,
There's nothing I had anymore to say.
My thoughts were my impressions and not my judgment,
I say this aloud, I am no one to judge anyone.
Yet so much you judged, so much you felt about me,
And there was nothing I had anymore to say.

We all have choices and choices we make,
I had a choice just like yours to speak your words, to hurt you back,
But I had no such thoughts so impure to say.
There's so much you said, there's so much you felt,
I have no anger, I have no ill wishes,
I just have nothing more to say.

I am this and I am that, I was this and I was that.
You judged my past, you judged my present, you concluded my future,
I lived this life, I live this time and I shall continue to be,
And for my entire life there's so much you said, there's so much you judged,
But I have nothing on it to say.

You may be right according to you,
I don't wish to decide for you
Is that how much you understood of me?
Is that how much low you thought of me?
There's so much you said, there's so much you felt,
I will never have anything more to say.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande