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Almost Going Away

Life has completely lost its meaning, but if it does mean anything at all in the remote part of my brain, then simply means, "Survival."

What is it that I have which makes me look forward to anything at all? Everything seems to be losing its way, but if there is anything I can think of, then it is my ability to be me, "Me."

Recent posts

Frozen by the pyre

How  much more uglier can life get; how much more numb can I get? I am desperate to vent out this pain that I feel; I haven't shed a tear on your death.  How much more immune can I get? Have I been cursed or plain unlucky to lose two of my most loved ones at one go? I am walking out of my life. I am walking out on God. Today, when I most need someone, I have none. Have I been so bad afterall? These words are just too heavy for me to feel its worth anymore. Anything that I express feels irrelevant and unimportant. Have I become so lonely afterall?Written by Vrushali Deshpande


She brought a smile to my face as she playfully teased me. And as I saw her step out of the house I live in, I was reminded by my 1 year 5 month old niece how incomplete I am. Motherhood calling isn't as pleasant as I once thought it would be. I do not have it in me to find faith in a man yet again. I have it in me to unconditionally love a part of me -  my child. Motherhood calling brings tears as easily as it never has been. Routine has gripped my loneliness so much that tears do not find a place within me.
I am deaf to the music in that lounge; I am numb to people and their mind games. I shop beyond limits to find happiness and I still feel incomplete. Alcohol only makes my silence more apparent and pain more evident in my satirical conversations.I cry every day for a reason I do not know for sure. It feels sometimes that I am waiting for something desperately and it feels sometimes that I need nothing anymore. Yet amidst all this the only thing that brings a smile to my face …


Some promise and some break it. Some ask you to have faith in them; they assure you and keep so much at stake. It isn't easy to fight our own battles, but it is far more difficult when others fight your battles for you.  There you meet those who stand there to see you fail and you believe their words.
There you meet the one who stands there to see you succeed and you don't believe her words. As I walked lifelessly on the empty streets of Gateway, I asked myself, " Why is it difficult for people to have faith in me?" . As I thought, I walked aimlessly watching the sea waves, hoping to find its answer in it.It doesn't matter what I say, what I assure.
It doesn't matter what I feel, how much I love. As I walked tearfully on the empty pavements of Colaba, I am awakened by the hard push of a Tempo. It's rusted body brushes through my arm ruthlessly causing excruciating pain.  I don't shout despite the agony. It isn't just me but my reflexes have numb…

Un(?)Complicated Life !

As quiet I have been in last three weeks, as frozen I feel since past few years.  This day which you live somewhere around me, I pause emotionally each moment of it. I am not a sad soul who needs some help to revive happiness. I am just a little less ignorant than you are to let go cruelty, inhumanity as casually as you do. I concealed this all these years and pretentiously gave out an ignorant vibe, just the way you realistically do. But just that now I even lose the pretense of it. 

I am a paradox of my inherent self and my gullibility no more keeps me going in the humanly proclaimed world “sane”. There is just too much shit going on at every walk of life. Cricket and soccer are not the only sports people are enthusiastic about; chess is not the only game that challenges a witty and defeats a mind. Chess is most fantastically played by experts in maneuvering relationships. Just that the board they use is not as clearly distinguished between white and black; it simply is too grey. 

It …


There's so much one can say in words,
There's so much one can choose to not say.
There's so much you said that you believed in,
There's nothing I had anymore to say.
My thoughts were my impressions and not my judgment,
I say this aloud, I am no one to judge anyone.
Yet so much you judged, so much you felt about me,
And there was nothing I had anymore to say.We all have choices and choices we make,
I had a choice just like yours to speak your words, to hurt you back,
But I had no such thoughts so impure to say.
There's so much you said, there's so much you felt,
I have no anger, I have no ill wishes,
I just have nothing more to say.I am this and I am that, I was this and I was that.
You judged my past, you judged my present, you concluded my future,
I lived this life, I live this time and I shall continue to be,
And for my entire life there's so much you said, there's so much you judged,
But I have nothing on it to say.You may be right according to you,