The Self You Don't Recognize

It's been a while I met myself,

It feels like yesterday when I asked for help.

I am not sure who within me I will meet next;

I wished if I didn't have to live on an edge.

Some say, they understand me.

I wonder which part they do that I don't see.

It's not about saying harsh things I don't mean.

It's about facing a person within me who has never been.

Life's a Game of Chess

 You will meet those people who will try to get to you,

Just for how long will you take it, given they are quite a few.

Someday your silent tolerance will break into an outburst of intense rage.

Their narcissism craves for your reaction, I guess you have already gauged.

They play dirty because they know it affects you,

And they triumph with your emotional reactions. See just how easily they play you!

You must know their intent is to drown you to defeat,

Very smoothly they will win the trust of others and leave you to take the heat.

You may choose to look at relationships as 'Black' and 'White',

Better! See yourself on the Chessboard of life with a hawk sight.

You can't win any war alone,

But it's always best to let them think you have no one.

Life's a game of Chess which you can only learn at your pace.

Choose to get defeated by the opponent and blame it on fate!

Or learn the Moves to protect yourself from checkmate.

Today that I am

Each breath that I take today feels like the overweight body trying to lift itself up. Yet my attempts do not fail to try each moment that I suffer noticeably. Today, it is not the same as I used to be; the strong, willful, joyous, talkative person who once lived life with a laugh that was so easily understood as happiness. Today, the smile is that to strangers disguised as friends, the laugh is suffering deep within wanting to explode in tears. Today, who that I am is the one I never met before. 

Perception

Truth and honesty is homeless creatures in a world where the human species find their existence so alien.

What a human wants can never really be answered because the similarity of the brain the structure is relatively (not wholly) irrelevant psychologically to the mind's way of processing information.

The difference between knowing someone and perceiving them to be someone is that the former follows the latter.

Perception? Funny because an error of judgment, an act of prejudice, a set of preconceived notions can drastically impact your perception towards someone; and the level of emotional intensity, you have in your mind towards them influences and renews your concept of perception. 

Subconsciously at least, your perception and its meaning changes with each experience, no matter how big or small.

Your Silence

 Your silence often makes me feel as if you are just a figment of my imagination. That I question if you exist for real because I write to you.

Your silence sometimes makes me feel that my being must be some sort of a delusion. That I question if I even exist for you to respond to. 

Kind words were just not spoken; kindness was always exhibited - some times lovingly and other times out of helplessness. 

Do not confuse me to be talkative because I use many words and the most selfless gesture has always been unsaid. 

I do not have it in me to speak the most important of the things I do for you and I have it in me to endure this suffering in silence. Because everything I did and say was from the deepest 'whole' that lives in me and not just a 'part' of me. 

 Do not confuse my helplessness as my outrage and my love as mere empty words because you do not have the slightest clue when I tear myself into pieces to give you things you'll never see, feel and touch today because it is for your tomorrow. 

 That tomorrow when my being will simply be a delusion but your existence will never be a figment of my imagination. 

 

Your Conquest

So unaware of what I'll behold; surreal of your being and yet evidently dazzled.

The concourse so unnoticed; how stupidly unaware if I was mesmerized or baffled.

Your every step felt so undulating; your presence so fresh with a mystical breeze.

I observed you covertly but your intense piercing eyes just made me freeze.

All the lights fade as the spotlight glides towards you; yet you shone so much brighter.

And as you sat you there so sweetly quiet, I heard the voice of a captivating orator.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Truth

Truth fades so quickly when human emotions overpower everything that it could be.

And the fine difference between what it is and what you think it is is nothing but a creation in your mind.

It is nothing but a story you want to hear.
The story you may like or you may dislike.
There are people who do not want to know what it is to be called truth.
And most people argue there is nothing called truth.

But when I inhale and close my eyes and I have an empty slate in my mind, I believe I get closer to the truth.

The truth that is not defensive,
The truth that is not argumentative,
The truth is not proving anyone wrong or anyone right.
That truth sits somewhere within us wanting to be accepted.
But human emotions and our thoughts cover its presence so well that it's sheer existence right within us goes unnoticed.
And we learn to live a life that has no place for anything but a story that we want to hear.

A story that can make us cry,
A story that can make us smile,
So it is not what it is,
It is what we want it to be.
The illusion that we live in fades so quickly that we do not even realize that during the argument between right and wrong, the truth is neither a witness nor an alleged criminal,
That truth is neither a lawyer nor a judge.

In the courtroom drama of life, we fight for the most important thing.
To some it is to love, to others it is money.
But no one's here for truth because it is not about what it is, it is about what you want it to be.

Choice To Be

Being by yourself, being alone, being lonely, being quiet, being reserved has nothing to do with unhappiness.

This is not a lack of happiness.
This is your choice to be.

Some people fill that gap,
Some people hide well enough,
Some people wear the mask of pretense to tell the world that they are okay.
To stop the world from asking if anything is wrong.

It is not the circumstances or the state of mind in itself that leads someone to the state of aloofness.
Aloneness mostly comes from avoidance of the question if everything is alright.
Does everything need to be alright?
And for that matter what is it to be alright?

Some people laugh. They may not smile from within.
They may not be happy from the inside but they laugh.
They laugh to tell the world they are okay.
That no one has to ask them the question if everything is alright.

There are people who once wanted to know if others cared enough.
Then I guess a time came when they actually wanted you to ask that question if everything is alright.

They waited for years and then they shut down their thoughts, their emotions, their feelings.
And what you get from them now is just a superficial layer of normalcy,
And beneath that pretense of being ordinary lies the biggest delusion of dishonesty.

Escape

An escape from something that I have not seen, I have not heard, but I have lived, but I have felt.

An escape that seems so close to a dive into an empty space,
Where nothing can be found, nothing can be felt, nothing can be heard, nothing can be lived.

I look for that empty space with no hope, with no strength, with no will.
But I find this empty space to escape into something that I will never face again, that I will never live again.