Frozen by the pyre

How  much more uglier can life get; how much more numb can I get?

I am desperate to vent out this pain that I feel; I haven't shed a tear on your death.  How much more immune can I get?

Have I been cursed or plain unlucky to lose two of my most loved ones at one go? I am walking out of my life. I am walking out on God.

Today, when I most need someone, I have none. Have I been so bad afterall?

These words are just too heavy for me to feel its worth anymore. Anything that I express feels irrelevant and unimportant.

Have I become so lonely afterall?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Tears and Rain

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Incompleteness

She brought a smile to my face as she playfully teased me. And as I saw her step out of the house I live in, I was reminded by my 1 year 5 month old niece how incomplete I am. 

Motherhood calling isn't as pleasant as I once thought it would be. I do not have it in me to find faith in a man yet again. I have it in me to unconditionally love a part of me -  my child. Motherhood calling brings tears as easily as it never has been. 

Routine has gripped my loneliness so much that tears do not find a place within me.
I am deaf to the music in that lounge; I am numb to people and their mind games. I shop beyond limits to find happiness and I still feel incomplete. Alcohol only makes my silence more apparent and pain more evident in my satirical conversations.

I cry every day for a reason I do not know for sure. It feels sometimes that I am waiting for something desperately and it feels sometimes that I need nothing anymore. 

Yet amidst all this the only thing that brings a smile to my face is my niece. Her departure only grips me more into my loneliness. 

Written by Vrushali Deshpande