I am what you believe

This emptiness that I live with; this unending story that you decided to write on me, I still sit on the last page of it. 

It doesn’t matter what I feel because what matters is what you believed in. 

I have heard a lot about myself, but you were the first to believe I fooled you.  It did not matter what else you said in the fit of your anger; it did not matter what else happened.   

Tell me how did you manage to break me down with that one line? 

Every time I took decisions to see myself happy, I ended up disappointing the ones I care for the most. Every time I took those decisions, I brought more unhappiness to me than ever before. 

In last four years, I expected nothing. I only wanted to give everything I could in the time I had with me. I tried doing my best.

It never mattered what I achieved; it mattered what I gave.

Countless people congratulated me for what I got. What they didn’t know was that I lost the person I genuinely loved. 

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"You said you do not want to see my face. You won't.

I took all my belongings that day but I left my smile back there. I won't come back for it. 

It is easier to believe I erred and live with it than disrespecting you by believing I was right."

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

That I fooled you?

I mean every word that I say or I would not say it at all. I feel every emotion that I express or I would not let you know at all. To me words define the way I am to myself.  What I am to you is how I treat myself.

I am not disappointed that you accused me of fooling you. I am disappointed at myself that just my being for so many years was not enough!  I am disappointed that since then I have been waking up almost every night in tears. I am disappointed that I love you enough to reprimand myself each day since then for a sin I have not committed.  

It does not matter how hard you get on me. What mattered to me was the love you gave me. It does not matter to me that you did not bid me farewell.  What mattered to me was you came back to say take care. It does not matter to me that you do not want to see my face again. What mattered to me was that you saw me once for that one last time. 

Is everything at all really a lie to you? Is every bit of me that I poured out really a lie to you? 

You always said, “We meet people twice.”  I will make sure that your wish of never seeing me again comes true.  Believe it for once that this pain which I yet cannot express in words will stay within me. 

Was everything that I wrote to you, said to you, really a lie to you?  Couldn’t you see me breaking down each day emotionally and destroying my physical being? Was the latter a lie to you too?

I stayed for you. I then left for myself.  I was honest to you then.  I am honest to you even now.

But if only you asked me once what is it besides everything that I hid from you, I would have said it all without thinking once.  

If I was honest to you then without you probing, why would not I be now?

You chose to escape the ugly part of the conflict for two months and decided to move on. I did the same just one week prior to going away.

I never believed you fooled me by escaping it. Why did you believe I did so then?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande