Sedated to lose the moments of life...

As I was brushing my hair in the morning, before heading to office, I recalled that day when you went down on your knees to propose me. Do you know, I already knew you were removing the ring, but I acted surprised naturally? I turned my back to you, so that you could enjoy the moment of proposing me. 

As I was brushing my hair today I rubbed my left thumb on my engagement ring… I kept doing it for 5 seconds today, only to realize, I no more wear your ring. I did not know what to react. 

Am I getting too lost in you? 

I do not call you or message you because I do not want to get hurt. I love you too much to let someone walk into my life. But I am too hurt to shed a tear.

I vision you with someone else and I genuinely wish you receive that love, which I could not offer you, according to you. I do not call you, thinking, what if you are already in someone’s life.  I do not want to cheat that girl you are with, just the way some girl cheated me, for being with you. 

Today, I shout, asking you, “Why did you go?”  I needed you…didn’t you know that? I do not want to call you anymore and tell you how much I love you, because every time I do, I end up fighting with you for leaving me.

I know things were rough with us, after i realized she was in your life, but I could not bear the thought that the guy I love so much is involved with someone else at the same time. I wish, if I could compromise…May be it wasn’t as real with her as it was with me for you, but yet the fancy affected me deeply. I loved you too truly; too purely. 

“This is blindness. You make no sense. Why accept someone who was even remotely sending intimate messages to some other girl?” 

What will it take to forget you? Is it possible to pay someone to do that for me? Meditation does not help. Being too occupied with work does not help. Being quiet does not help. Partying does not help. Am I stuck? Do I really love you?

Do you know I do not say your mobile number loud, hoping, that one day, I would forget it? Why do I have this basic memory to remember your number?

My god knew that you were involved in that girl, before you met me. My God planned this for me. Did I do so much wrong to someone to lose the person I love so much…

When did I become so low on my introspection to not recall the grave sins I did to deserve this? Yes, I know I did wrong to many, but was it so big that I lost you forever? Was it so big to desire to stay alone forever?

 Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Lost in the music of silence

Lost in the traces of yesterday, I hold those memories with tight-lipped silence.  As the breeze sweeps my wet hair, monsoon once again takes me back with you.  Flashes of your smile that made your eyes go small; the dance of those fingers, which were deeply in love ….

I sit wherever I find a place, in sedation of the hand I did not want to leave. As you look at me with nothing but innocence, I let my heart change its rhythm for you.  

I am not paused; I walk with you. I drive with you. Things around me live…days pass by, and I relive my today with you.  A red traffic signal fascinates me to hear you laugh. Cars speed fast ahead of me and hypnotize me to think of you. Alcohol does not anymore make me cry for you; it takes me deeper into silence and the world around me chooses to pause for once!!

The DJ becomes my friend; he plays the music loud and I do not hear my silent screams.  I step on the floor, sedated to not love you. Those dance steps are no more the same. I dance more passionately; to forget you…Am I too high to think you have appeared? I stop... I step out for a drag and say nothing…

Your memories are as silent as me...

Silence becomes long enough and I head back to get lost in the noise and dance. Am I no more a good dancer? Why my moves do not sync with his? I kiss him passionately, to forget you….Tears drip sideways as I seduce him... Have I become bad finally? You “leaving me” is now justified. 

Written by: Vrushali Deshpande

A part from my book, "Smiling Tears".

Confession

I never really understood what people meant when they said, “Life is too short”. I just continued carrying on with life, without consciously taking a note of how exactly I am living it. 

Each time I recalled a person, who left an impact on me negatively, I ended up remembering the good memories. Suddenly, I am awakened by someone within me, “But he did very wrong to you.”

Life is too short! It is too short to let go off this grudge.  Free them from your life; than thinking to free yourself from theirs. 

I always evaluated myself on the basis of how I behaved with the one who was bad to me.  The answer to that helped me discover how I am as a person.  I got my basics wrong. 

“What you are is a result of how you are to everyone around you, regardless of their doing. Their behavior does not decide your personality; what decides is how you treat yourself despite all the wrong.”

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

To My dearest Niece, "Kavisha"

Ehsaas..

वो खामोशिय ही कैसी जिसमें गुज़रा नहीं तुम्हारा ख्याल !
रात जब दस्तक देता है ..
एक हलकी सी ठण्ड मुझे चू जाती है
ना जाने ये कैसी बेचैनी है ..
कभी में तुम्हे सोचु ...कभी सिर्फ मुस्कुरा दू

वो रात अधूरी है जिसमें तुम ना आये !
तुम्हे सुनु या तुमे देखू?
वक़्त ऐसे गुज़रे जो चाहू बस यही थम जाये !
शब्द तुम्हारे संगीत की धुन हो
सिर्फ उनका एहसास ही मेरी ग़ज़ल है !
हातो की लकीरे भले मीट जाए
सिर्फ तुम्हारा उसमें होना ही मेरी तकदीर है

वो हसी ही क्या , जिसकी वजह तुम ना हो
वो जीवन ही क्या जिसमें तुम्हारा इंतज़ार ना हुआ हो !

-- वृषाली ड