Saturday, December 29, 2012

Ache-Companion



I wake up every morning checking my cell phone and I lay on the bed with the phone beside me. I found that I built an attachment with something which has no life. In today’s day and age of medical science a lot of our actions and reactions have a psychiatric terminology. They say that people who get stressed when they are unable to use their cell phone are termed as nomophobics.

I find myself switching off this phone often and I am surprised to sense peace.  I do not anymore feel bogged down with messages that no more are SMSes but are substitutes of internet chats. I only and only want to spend some bit of that time quietly on a weekend which comes to me like a favor after keeping my mind mentally occupied for 5 days. 

I am at that point in life where I am not looking for companionship of any kind. Let’s just say I am not ready to make my heart and mind go through the same torturous episode which end up being the same every time I give life another chance. I am not complacent; I am only scared to hurt myself again. It is not always easy to pull yourself out of it and instill positive thoughts. 

Despite this decision, I find myself feeling low every time I notice people in love. My inner voice speaks for once and tells me “Love does exist”.  Not all men cheat their partner. Not all men retain a shallow hollow relationship with a face that lives somewhere far away and choose to lose the one who truly loved them. Not all men disrespect the bond called “Partners for life” which is termed as a marriage institution. But you chose to call it off. You chose to reprimand me for being with you despite your infidelity. 

What Karma can I tell you of? I am one big sinner in this life of 28 years and every time I switch on the news channel, I realize my sin must not be so big as I think it is. Pity! I need not compare the bad with the evil to defend my wrong doings. 

I am at that stage of life where I cannot trust a man enough to surrender my emotions to him. 
I am at that stage of life where I am tired of any kind of companionship, be it even with my phone. 

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Silence breaks into tears






One more New Year’s Eve! Yet another lame reason to welcome the New Year semi-consciously. Party hard to glory, get sloshed and end up waking with a splitting headache, regretting every sip after getting that one kick which hints you to stop.  I feel none of it. 

My mind wanders so many places today. I resolute every night that I would welcome the day with positive thoughts and today as I woke up, I got glued like everyday to my cellular to check for twitter updates. She passed away in pain, suffering and a haunting memory. My thoughts came to a halt and for few seconds I remained passive. She died a brutal death! 

Some so called sages propagate Hinduism with emotional mechanisms and inflict paranoia by stating “Believe in Karma”. This 23 year old woman raped by 6 sadomasochists who pulled her intestine out of her body and beat her with an iron rod looked straight in the media camera with their masked faces. I wonder which karma of hers led her to this gruesome death. I was brought back to consciousness by my tears and I let my finger tips feel them once. This time, tears came out for someone I did not know, for someone I have not even seen or met. This time, I endured pain for someone whose name I do not know. 

The phone beeps and a friend enquires my New Year’s plan. I pretentiously tell him of how unplanned I am this time. I am amidst the confusion of whether to or not then I sit back and think the reason I feel this pain in my heart. She deserved to celebrate this new year’s eve too! The movie she was returning from, “Life of PI”, must have taught her to never give up in life, which is why she fought to live for 13 days. 

Politicians with their long pause speeches indicate the grief they feel for her loss. Politicians with their fake expressions tell us viewers that she was a brave girl and may her parents find the strength to deal with this loss. 

Dear Politicians, we do not need your prayers or sentiments. We do not get deceived by those long pauses in your speech which you use to indicate that you feel saddened by this. We do not need your official statements well drafted by your PRO’s. We are at a point where we absolutely expect nothing from you. We are tired of the drama of politics. All we know is we do not feel secure when we walk on the roads. All we know is at the end of every financial year, we pay crazy amount of tax to the government for getting ourselves entertained every weekend after tiring weekdays. And yet as we desire to distress ourselves by going to restaurants or watching movies, we live in the fear of getting raped after coming out of the movie hall. Capital punishment is not a solution, you say. We do not know the best solution then. We chose you to decide for us. 

In few days or months from now, the court would take its decision and in few months from then, we all would be coerced to live our routine, once again living with the fear that we could be next.  We humans train ourselves to tolerate pain and act numb. Once in a while, we lose our mind and outburst our inner emotions by breaking the long relationship with silence. Yet, we oblige ourselves by instilling positive thoughts and when our hearts break, we wear the mask of either numbness or ignorance. 

This life of ours would one day soon come to an end and perhaps amidst all this, we are only wishing to leave this world peacefully. 

Written by Vrushali Deshpande



Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Soul-trapped



As fast I ran away from him, as close he built the fear in me,
I lost the focus of my pace, as I screamed silently pleading to God
Giggle of his sadism filled my spine with cold fear
This was then I saw someone laugh over my suffering
You brushed your hand lustfully and I begged my soul to run faster
Is everything in life really a joke?
He moved on as easily as I lost my smile for almost ever
“One in every 5 children is a victim of it”
Does it feel so simply less painful as it reads so simply more factual?
As far I leave behind a life, as much more I pretend to be stronger
Who am I really?
I am a strong firm woman who hides her soul everyday in the closet
As much love I give, as much hollowness I end up with...
As fast I ran away then from life, as close I built the fear in me for today...

Written by Vrushali Deshpande
 





Friday, December 7, 2012

I stand before life







On this cliff I stand in silence,
My mind unwilling to talk; my heart placidly calm,
Grains of this dust do not divert my motionless being.
I have no memories to run through my unoccupied mind,
I stand there away from the edge with no intention to jump or to fly,

Expressions do not interact with my frozen face
And yet I am far from being numb,
I am in a journey with my ‘Self’
This ‘self’ which I ignored every time I loved someone

Walk one step ahead with me,
Blink one moment with me,
Spread your arms just once before me
Cry as much you can…
Set your soul free just once…
And then smile once to this life…

On this cliff I stand in silence
My heart unwilling to talk; my mind placidly calm
I had memories I ran through just once
Flip the page of life now and turn to a new chapter

Written by Vrushali Deshpande