Forgiving yourself

The biggest guilt is not when you desperately ask for forgiveness from him; it is when you plead before yourself to forgive the sin you think is more than crime. Such is helplessness that you do not know how to convince yourself to say ‘It’s okay’.
I am more than confident lately that I am doomed and my mistakes cannot be pardoned anymore. I do not know when I changed so much to become unacceptable to my ‘self’.

Deep down I know I do not wish for anything bad for anyone. You cannot think that for someone you call a friend; and I do not think any one is a foe to me. Yet the utmost rejection by my conscience and I do not know how to get myself back.

I know I do not have much time left to get my self back because one act of sin can get me to lose everything. I am running under the pressure of time and I only hope to make everything alright.

My sanity has become my neighbor whom I do not visit often. My goodness has become my weakness which I prefer not to show to people. It looks like I do not have a grip on my emotions anymore and I do not know which part of me within has been so hurt for me to become that way. What am I looking for? Do I miss having a conversation with myself?

I tried doing that but I do not recall the language of communicating with self anymore. Why has this all become so difficult when it was something I was once very good at? And with this incompetency of not finding answers, I repeat the mistakes and once again become unacceptable to my self.

Letter to God

She does not speak to me anymore. She says I am always unfair to her. She may be right but my heart leaves me with no choice. I have to choose between my love and her. She tells me that she lives within me and that I should love my life more than loving him. The combination of these words is quite familiar to me, but I do not understand her language. I know he often makes her cry and she gets completely devastated and she begs before me to help her become strong. Trust my heart, I cannot see her that way and to an extent I cannot stand someone mistreating her so inhumanly.

The dark night comes to an end and her silence is most painful in the day. I go running to him and she looks at me like I am the rapist of her life. I want to be with her, and I want to be fair but the day I do that, I will be unable to love him hundred percent. May be that’s how I always did it – I always liked to give my hundred percent in everything.

My mind tells me if I go away from her, I will lose my self forever; it is better to lose someone else than losing yourself. I have always risked her shouts and tears with a hope that he will not hurt her again. These days I live without her being in me, but yes I am still with him, hoping the light of love to last forever.

Time of Life

Time never changes; it only passes. Lived life with a hope that soon days would not be the same. Days never change; it only changes numbers on the calendar. Often a heart full of love is broken when it thuds with a shock towards an event. Heart never truly breaks because of an event; it does with simple words.

Often tears are wiped off. Sometimes they are ignored. A heart truly breaks when ‘sometimes’ become often.

Time never changes; it only passes. The story is still the same; the script is different; the characters are different. Eventually, the story has to end.

I wait to exit..