Monday, December 19, 2011

Accepting the Changing Society - by VD

To accept the change, you have to change your ‘bit’ within
To adapt to a transforming world, you have to mould your thinking
I say, ‘Accept the change’, but do not forget your roots
I know where I truly belong but the world does not fit into my boots
Amidst the juggle, you define-redefine the rights and wrongs
Amidst the commotion, you unknowingly break your thongs

If life is a play, I keep changing my roles
Sometimes I do good things and become a protagonist;
Sometimes I do wrong things and they call me an antagonist
“Who am I really?” – is the question I ask myself
I am no heroin, I am no villain!
Whatever role I play is only my momentary challenge

Victory is a blend of ‘effort’ and some amount of ‘luck’
Defeat is a result of the exact opposite of both
Triumph does not fascinate me; it does not recharge me
Peace is what I aim for; peace is where my energies are focused on
They say, ‘Pain is a proof that you are a human’
Often ‘Pain’ is the reason for me to be inhuman

Time changes and it heals it all
Mornings are beautiful because it ends ‘Yesterday’ afterall
I no more see the injury; I blind myself to the ‘marks’
And despite the twilight, I appreciate its beauty than to see it as dark

But it is not the past that haunts the present
It is the present that reminds me of yesterday
Yet I bury the memories and handle the challenges of today

Every moment is an opportunity to better the today
And every past an experience that should have no place for dismay

by Vrushali Deshpande

Changing Society - by SB

Society keeps on changing and so do its norms,
We are the society and so is it formed,
Change is inevitable and accept it if we may,
Everyday would be different with a new role to play.

Victory is a choice and so is defeat,
As you get close, faster does your heart beat,
Pain is a proof, that comes only with life,
Happiness & smiles are blessings in disguise.

You shall have everything, all that you want,
What you can do is much more than all that you cant,
Every morning is different, though it almost looks the same,
Attitude to win is imperative, than winning the game.

As they say - Best things in life are for free,
The best deal is life itself and so can it be,
Every moment is an opportunity to better the past,
Everyone is different and hence allz an outcast.

By SB

Sunday, December 18, 2011

My reply to SB's verse!

Picture is an illusion and ‘reality’ far from it
Being one-self is truth, but to the society – a complete misfit
Often I ponder and realize I am still too Indian
I hold the will to be independent, but yet too many custodians
Life isn’t a story to me for it to have an end,
Not sure if I love my life, but I am surely its friend

‘Smiles’ spread positive vibes and happiness only deeply felt
And despite all the betrayals, I still find my heart melt
When I truly love something, I give it all that I have
And in this process, I give them my secret code to survive

Complicated are relationships as there are many facets to it
Our mind is simply a victim which often gets jumbled into it
Past is chapter 27 of my life-long book
Even as I flip the pages to read ahead, it is still tightly hooked

By Vrushali Deshpande

Reply to 'Brain Virus' - By SB

Life is beautiful, it really is,
Consider it as a picture, if you may please,
Endings are good, mostly are that way,
Love your life is all I can say.

Smiles are precious, happiness though rare,
Betrayed at times, still I do care,
If I love something, it will love me back,
I believe in it and its not living in the dark.

Complicated is the mind, it plays multiple games,
Few are anonymous and a few have names,
Past has a future and present a past,
Being one self ain’t mean one is an outcast.

By SB - a dear friend!

Brain Virus !


My thinking has got corrupt; just as a virus that can hit a computer application and corrupt it. And then it acts bizarre. Reasons which seem convincing and justifiable no more make sense to many around me. Are they not seeing the logic or am I being too realistic to outcast from the general norms?

Marriage is not about love between two people; it is a contract two people sign with each other’s families and the couple struggles to make the so called ‘love factor’ work. Pause! Readers have all the right to reject this thought – as much I want to do the same, unfortunately, I do not anymore think goodie goodie about it.

Love? I would not even be the last person to come up with a definition of love; forget about feeling it. What it seemed like a feeling closer to love was raped so many times that even the doctor within has given up. Sometime’s the person is a jerk and you learn it the hard way and the poor next person becomes a victim of your bitter experiences. Worse is when God acts like a jerk and just for fun, takes the most important person away from this life.

Making people happy, making others around you smile and seeing to it there is no fight, argument, ensuring no misunderstanding and all this to ensure happiness for yourself in a married life. Cut to scene 2 – People with different backgrounds, varied cultural set up, different set of experiences, coming together under one roof and ensuring none of the above happens. Whoever said it is difficult to find a good job was perhaps wrong. It is far more difficult to maintain a relationship and make it work positively. Two most frequently used words “Adjust & compromise” – Phew!

Born in Mumbai, India – one of the busiest cities of the country – a city which is recognized for not knowing their neighbors. Cut to scene three – Whoever has this notion has surely seen and experienced just the tip of the iceberg. Every neighbor is interested in their neighbor – for good or bad, let us not get there, but let us assume, mostly for the latter. They may pretend they do not know you, but boy they know so much about you which you perhaps would take one more day to figure your forthcoming action.

Living life? Highly overrated. Is anyone of us living life even closer to living life the way we want to? Yes? You are either fortunate or too adjusting in nature. Life is fun? Everything costs money! To see a scenic place, to eat good food, to sit by a sea face, but for that you commute and spend. Commutation is money and even if you decide for a walking trip –time is money.

To get all of it, you work like crazy and make some money. Cut to climax – scene 4 – Monday to Friday, you work for 9-10 hours, commute to home in utmost annoying traffic, come back home tired, drained out, eat some food (which you are then least interested in) and sleep. Alas! You know it while sleeping; you have the same routine to start with the next day. Weekends? Sleep, rest, go clubbing, read and sleep for the same day.

Life is really beautiful, isn’t it?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Conscience - My Best friend & My Worst Enemy


Best part about a relationship is when you live more than one relationship with the person. He is your friend, lover and most importantly, a companion for life. The ugly part of a bad break-up is that you have to release knots of all the relationships you have with him. Disregarding a lover is easier than breaking ties with a best friend in him; not thinking about a best friend is relatively easier than letting go your companion, who always walked beside you even in silence.

Betrayal is no easy to handle when you are in a relationship, but when someone betrays you while breaking up with you, the meaning of ‘trust’ immediately alters.
I am no good human as I was earlier and despite my attempts to be better as a human, I fail miserably. I have wronged some people knowingly, unknowingly and life has its way of giving it back to you. When pain becomes too much, acceptance creeps in.

Someone said to me yesterday, “You underestimate yourself too much as a person and you should know it is not always your fault, but your reaction to the ugly situation you are compelled to face”
. I do not know if that is correct. My conscience is my good friend as well as my worst enemy. It criticizes me severely instead of understanding why I reacted the way I did, and yet it has saved me from the worse by not letting me become revengeful in life despite the ugliness.

You learn from a bad relationship in every phase and it ends up changing you as a person somewhere. It complicates your life more when you regret getting changed and find no way of becoming what you were. Phase changes, age grows, experience increases and you cannot anymore be what you were before. When the face of ‘earlier you’ is beautiful and the ‘present you’ is unsatisfactory, ugly, you are stuck in between. Conscience! – has a way of sucking into you!

In so many years, this would be the first time when from my heart I genuinely remember those people I have hurt severely. It has never been with wrong intentions, but it happened purely out of the circumstance. Yet circumstance is no way and reason to shy away from your mistakes and I realize where I went wrong.

I am sure most of them would not be reading this, but if at all at any point in life they do when I am not around, they ought to know I am sorry!

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Sunday, November 27, 2011

God's sense of humour

When God decides to take your 'support' 'your best friend' away from you especially when he has planned for hardships in the forthcoming days. Just for fun, he wonders how would it be like to see her going through it all by herself.
I have realised that it is easy relatively to get over a pain for which psychological training and manipulation is required, than the support and friendship you require during times of physical disability.

That one bad fall..

Walked so confidently for most time of her life
Never did she think she would lose her pride
That one bad fall did not end so easily
That one leap made this life long journey a pain
She walks in her crutches with her head down
She limps through her way with the 'cruck' sound
That day she left with those memories in her mind
With hope and determination that soon it all unwinds
That one moment when she missed the hole and took the leap
Her thoughts so much around you; those feelings were so deep
That one bad fall that will never let her sleep.

Someday Somewhere..

In my search for freedom and peace of mind, I have left the memories behind.. Try to throw the picturre outta my mind. Try to leave the memories behind.. Do you know the truth, I am thinking of you too! Someday somewhere together we will be baby.I will take and you will take your time... The love we had together just fades away with time.. The passion that you planted in the middle of my heart.. Is the passion that will never stop..

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Void

I was told that if I do not think, things will be eventually fine. Arn't things fine? What is it when things are not fine? Don't know. I am quiet, I do not think much. I do think about what happened- the good part mostly, but I shut the thought as quickly as possible. Escapist? No, I am not. I am only trying not to think much. Smile? I don't think if I smile or not but when I am told I don't, I realise I have left "smile" behind me. Hmmm! Ok. That is it. May be.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

They say, "Arrange Marriage? How much do you know him?"

I have seen and experienced longest relationships breaking instantaneously. I have come to realize that to 'Make a relationship', it is the maturity of two minds that matters.

Wonderful thing about a relationship is that even 1 mature mind and 1 averagely mature mind can take the relationship to the next level. Compatibility is in our hands - it is the calmness, stability and sanity of our mind which attempts to comprehend our partner's viewpoint.

So instead of looking for someone who thinks like you, have an approach to understand his viewpoint and then decide if it is something which culturally fits well into yours.

You may be meeting and having a banter with your friends for years, but can you really spend your lifetime with any 1 of them? Forget about not seeing them that way. Just give it a thought, is there any person with whom you can spend your whole life with? If there is, you should be right now approaching him/her and if not, ask the big WHY?

Years really do not matter so much but certain logical moments do. You can never know a person for the longest time, but what is essential is the basics of the person is right. If problem is in the root of the tree, the fruits would only look beautiful but would not sweet taste once you bite them.

To sum it up, I would rather respect and appreciate the liberty of decision my parents have rest upon me, but would not act childish by setting unrealistic expectations and taking forever to commit to a guy.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Sunday, November 13, 2011

This shall pass too!

When life tests your tolerance and patience by putting worse possible scenarios before you, you end up wondering what God really wants from you?-whether he wants you to get stronger, whether he wants you to say it to him that you give up ? Is this your karma or some else’s which you are bearing!

My recent bad fall, followed by a crazy looking plaster and the never ending search for just 'one' genuine guy is teaching me a lot of many things.

I stand firmly on my one foot, waiting for a transportation to take me to work but mostly none are willing to go that far. The long wait teaches me a lot about life and people. Amidst the wait, just ONE auto guy in those rare situations drops me midway and helps me find a transportation. Colleagues, whose names I did not know of for over 2 years greets me and asks, "Ma'am do you want me to drop you somewhere?" and it is not just a question for the sake of formality, but they prove their genuine intention by enacting upon it. It teaches me that there are some people who are sensitive, some not so sensitive and some who are too occupied in their world.

A friend said, “You have always been strong and you should not give up". What is giving up in the first place? Losing hope in life? In people? I may have my timely emotional outbursts but I do not know to give up anymore. A friend said, “It’s nothing wrong to cry" but crying after a lot of tolerance makes you feel low, if not weak!

The good thing about a phase is that it passes; and the bad thing about a memory is that you remember what happened. Cut ! The good thing about a phase is that it passes, and the best thing about a strong mind is that you take it as an experience, learn your lessons and become a better human.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Friday, November 11, 2011

From the corner of a GIRL's Eye


I have been walking on the road in the night for the longest time and none accompanied me for long in this journey. After a while, saw a companion and despite being dark, the brightness and aura of the person was evident.

I accompanied her where she took me and she enlightened me of the world outside where everyday sun shines. I knew from her that emotions are also reciprocated and I got it all I could ask for. She became my best friend who taught me lot of emotions; which I had not shown for long but she showed in her reciprocation towards me what friendship is all about.

I always knew the brightened up world for me is just for sometime and amid the journey I would feel a mismatch. I told her, back there is materialism and its too dark; this world of yours has too much love, care and unconditional friendship.

But I had to go back to my world; I was thrown back there without much option left with me. My best friend followed and she learnt some bitter truths of this world; bad people including my changing face, shrewd ones, materialism. I went into the company of the same people because of no choice and in the process lost my best friend due to utter state of confusion to be what I should be - the girl I was in that brightened up world or the one where I was born amidst the darkness?

I let my best friend go or she would have been lost in the darkness too with me. This was not no sacrifice. This was pure selfishness of me. I was tired fighting with the world I was born and I realized my best friend should not anymore be a victim of my instability.

Years passed and as I still walked alone on the road, I found a person walking on the road from behind me - it was already too dark and so was the person; I could barely see his real face and while I saw him coming towards me, I realized I found a companion.

We walked together and he would tell me everyday how there is a tunnel right there and the light throwing from there. I was ecstatic, waiting to continue this journey with him and reach the end of the tunnel. The journey was long enough and I spoke with him at length, first time feeling I am no more alone forever.

I dreamt and lived at the same time with him. I was convinced this is love. Often he wouldn't talk and I would ask for the same love and care and he would pretend to be deaf and dumb. He overtakes me eventually and starts walking ahead of me; I keep calling his name, shout for him to take care of me and love me as he showed once.

He leaves and goes far enough for me to never see him anymore. Today I still walk alone with no expectation. He was a dark image but I could see his structure. Today I do not even have that dark image which once filled my void.

Today I walk on the pitch dark road, stumble in between , break my leg but no hand to offer me support. I see him from a distance and he looks back at me; how I desperately gather myself to come back to my feet, fall over and over but he keeps standing there, now ignoring me completely.

I now walk with no destination and I'm alone. Its pitch dark and I can't see anything at all yet I carry on blindly and aimlessly. I cry tremendously and then I stop wondering what is the point? Then I stop crying and then over a few days again I want to cry it all out again.

Still walking and waiting for the finish line, if there is any!

Written by Vrushali Deshpande
P:S I have become imaginative ;)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The IMPACT

Just a thought....

Sometimes the ‘IMPACT’ is felt in bits, spread over days and it doesn’t seem like it would end any sooner. Self-empowerment, will power, motivational books, audios and movies do not help either. You realize your sanity is leaving your world and instant frustration over life in general is domineering.

Whole day goes in experiencing the lump in the throat, where the ‘strong you’ stops you from crying again. Whole day goes in saying, ‘don’t think about it anymore, but the very thought is a remembrance in itself’. Whole day goes in asking, ‘was it my karma or someone else’s?”

Sometimes the ‘IMPACT of the END’ stays for such long that nothing else matters anymore; no betrayal; no rudeness of someone, no apathy from them; what you ask yourself is “How to keep ourselves happy and motivated?”

Written by Vrushali Deshpande
P:S It is when you know how to keep yourself happy then can you make others happy.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Hiding in the Dark?

Truth is the most discouraged reality and pretence- the most appreciated and most lived in Kalyug.
Lived life telling people all is good; why reveal agonies to anyone and everyone! Sheer sign of being weak. Oh! Is it really?

I lay on my bed, covert myself in the blanket,
I pretend to sleep as deep as possible as I cowardly cry
No one notices the wet pillow when the door is closed
How helpless and futile is to hug a pillow and assume its you..
There is no such thing as God when you wipe your tears on your own
Cry as mutely as possible so that no one outside hears
Every shed tear tells you to be strong and evade the other waiting to drop by

Written by Vrushali Deshpande
P:S Those sleepless nights when you are with your SELF.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Betrayal - In a Relationship of 'TRUST'

Sometimes you are betrayed so many times by one person who you truly loved that you stop to have faith in your ability to judge and love the right people. Listen to your inner voice and it will show you the way always; never ignore the call of your conscience.

Sometimes someone gives you pain so repetitively that at the end of it when he or she shocks you with utmost betrayal you have nothing more than silence to give to yourself. Never be numb to pain; be human and it is all right if it happens, they are just human beings out there who have the ability unfortunately to love you and then hurt you.

Sometimes you are well aware of the games that people play, yet you do not have the stamina to fight or react, you do not have the attitude to take revenge and fight for what you feel.

Cheating you for someone else is no betrayal; today I learnt its meaning in its entirety. That is infidelity.

Hundred’s would make fun of your experience; some would gossip, some would smirk and laugh it aloud. Today nothing affects me.

It is not what others do to you that affects you; it is what you did to yourself for believing once again in a wrong person that affects you.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande
P:S Learn & Grow. Don't leap & Fall

Saturday, September 24, 2011

My Insecure Generation


Smallest decision taken can lead to become the biggest mistake of your life. Letting someone walk into your life, without knowing the consequence in the future, is what we endanger ourselves into. Today, there are too many heart breaks because of easily available means like internet and mobile phone. The more approachable and reachable a person is, the more one vents out his or her frustration instantaneously. Words are no more carefully chosen; today words are abused and the impact is lived and experienced by a human. It does not surprise me then why relationships or affairs do not last these days.

Taking responsibility for your action is important, and people take them in their own way. Some realize they erred and apologize from heart instead of keeping a big ego. Not taking responsibility is running away from it, avoiding talking, getting annoyed and frustrated and wanting to change the topic because you are too incapable to deal with the situation in hand.

The more secure our generation seems, the more insecure we are from within; fighting for our job, our place at work; having the fear of not losing the one we love and yet giving that space. The more strong our generations seems to be, the more weak and sensitive it is from within and sometimes you reach that threshold and you just want to let it all go. Why let someone or something bring you to its threshold?

The more materialistic we have become, the more we are ready to sacrifice our self respect. We are trading respect for materialism and security? Where are we leading really? and are we truly happy despite the money into the account at the end of the month?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande
P:S Time for the KBC of LIFE :P

Friday, September 23, 2011

Lie to all the people you meet and tell them you're okay


Take in all those breaths That seems to get you through the day
Lie to all the people you meet and tell them you're okay

Try to walk around with your head held high - What would they say? If they see me cry!
Always say your fine when you smile to your friend because you have got the problems none of them can mend

Wait till late at night to watch the flowing tears
Close your eyes tight to make it stop, say a prayer and hope someone hears

Stare out the window Find peace in the sky
Keep your thoughts to yourself somewhere there deep inside

Look at the normal people Who pass you by?
There so happy and content And you want to know why

Go back to your room where you’re always alone
Watch the lights go down Because no ones home

Pull up your knees tight into your chest
Close your eyes gently and try to rest

Wish for something better Or for someone to see the tears down your face the marks that make it bleed

Open your eyes Stand up and be strong because what would the people say If they knew something was wrong

Take in all those breaths that seems to get you through the day
Lie to all the people you meet And tell them you're okay

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Today's Fairy Tale: Glimpse into reality




Long lived the fairy tale in the heart of a juvenile girl who learnt to believe with time, love is the foundation of every joy and hardship. With faith and willpower, one can still climb the ladder of success, but amidst the struggle, if love chooses to leave, disappointment creeps in, but that in no way shall adhere the determination to carry on and come out strong.

The story told to me by my ‘self’ must be a little or very different than what other girls must have heard of, but in any way, we both are sailing in the same boat which is sinking.

We both are walking in the dark tunnel and a stranger boy decides to walk with us, giving us support and showing us the ‘bright light’ at the end of it. He teaches us about hope, never giving up and you remove your shield and tell him that you are finally trusting someone after a long time.

The journey with him despite the dark tunnel seems beautiful; love is all that matters. The journey seems everlasting and just a few hours ago before we met him, we were desperate to see the bright light of hope, and now that he is with us, we never want the walk to end.

You would love to see the wonders with him after reaching the destination, but a fear of people changing always grips in.

“I trust you alas! after the longest time”, We say. “I will never break it, I will never disappoint you”. probably a line said and heard many a times.

All my life, I have been aware of people around me and I would walk with my shield on; sometimes talking joyfully with people I do not even know and not talking to people I see almost every day. Isn't it always best to avoid showing people what you are, especially the people who are associated to you professionally?

When I give, I give it all. When I love, I love it all. When I say I trust you, it is all the trust and I might know to control work, politics or people who matter less to me, but I do not know to keep a tab on how much love I give. Over a period of time, it has become both my boon and bane. What makes it either of it depends on the kind of person I have met.

Today when I walk with this boy who is no more a stranger to me, I face hurdles on the way and I have no shoulder to support on, no hand I can hold, because it seems he has got tired walking all that long 'with me'. I offer him my hand, my shoulder, which he denies. Isn't love about being there for each other, supporting each other, standing by each other? All being said, he simply does not need your affection anymore and despite your attempts to make him share, he shows reluctance. Love in this scenario reminds you of what you are; that you are strong and independent and you can self depend on yourself.

Love sometimes for some people seem to be more about mood of the time, than a feeling which the heart beholds. Probably this is not love, but I am no expert in this field to tell someone "you do not know how to love", and if I have in anger, I have been wrong.

He made me believe that the bright light was hope all this time, but as I approached it, I found it was a bright headlight of a train running towards me. Probably, that was my destination and he only accompanied me for a while to make me smile and cry for few hours. He later headed backwards without bidding good-bye and amidst the darkness, I could not find him anywhere. I was unfortunate enough to have not found his footprints.

Despite the disbelief, mistrust and bad experiences, if you are a strong person, someone deep within you is always telling you, “all are not the same”. There is no point to living life if there is no hope. It is important to remember that never love someone so much that you lose the ability to control yourself. Never be a puppet to someone; make your own decisions and respect the other person’s decisions. In a relationship, it is not so much about love or adjustment; it is all about respect that you have for each other.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande
P:S Who said only mythology has stories written?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

In search of ME

I told him, “Aloneness is frustrating me”. He asked, “but wasn’t aloneness always your choice?”
I said yes, because I did not want anyone else to be around me except him and there came a point when he stayed and yet I felt aloneness. It was only then I realized, I was missing nonetheless than me, myself.

I told him, “I used to have fun with myself”. He asked me, “fun in what way?” I said, sometimes you just cannot explain, sometimes you just cannot understand.

Life is beautiful. I once had the mind to understand it, I once had the heart to feel it, I once had the soul to realize it is life. Today I do not feel my mind, my heart and my soul. These are just not words. I don’t find a better way of putting it. I am on the edge of a valley, waiting to be pushed by someone I am unable to find. I am in search of me.


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Silence Within

Love is a word which is most used by human beings, meant by a very few and felt by hardly anyone, yet the usage continues. Trust, in the same scenario, is the most brutally raped word. I would defy if it is said that most people cheat because they enjoy doing so. Often the most honest, dedicated and a loyal person with a conscience difficult to shudder, end up becoming someone they never believed they could be. It is not the question then, if the person is good or bad now; it is the answer, that this person is no more the same, the way she had groomed herself to be since birth; very logically, this person no more exists, but is yet breathing, and so is still alive.

I often used words like silence, suffocation, pain and suffering in my write-ups, but when all of these reach a point where nothingness exist, you truly become silent towards people who caused this to you and whom you once gave all the love. Why love someone so much that in the whole process, you lose yourself? Who did you speak and share maximum with? – It is you, yourself. Isn’t it then obvious, you are your best friend, you are your true life partner; why then when we love, we care more for the other than ourselves? Caring is good, but not the cost of being humiliated and disrespected each day for the love you are giving; not at the cost of being taken for granted for every adjustment you are trying to make and definitely not for being trusted for every tolerance.

Tears at one point do not make you feel better; jokes do not make you laugh and hugs do not anymore comfort you. Deep down, you are struggling to take back your self-respect from the person, who did not just demean your respect, but kicked right on your face and told you “for all these years that you lived, you were a shame”
Such people will come and go in your life; probably you will even end up changing completely; probably you will for some time stop talking to yourself, but with determination and willpower, you will find your strength back and realize that no jerk who one day decided to walk into your life, could pass a judgment on the life that you lived so far.

All this stands true and holds meaning, if you know from within you are true to yourself more than being honest to others; if you were never the root cause behind all the mess up.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Saturday, April 16, 2011

When they want you to CHANGE

Amidst the commotion, you ask yourself once every day, “Are you living happily?”It is bizarre when happiness = Good understanding parents + an ideal job + luxuries in life. It is bizarre when despite all of these; there still is a state of void. Should I call it expecting too much from life? Or this void is justifiable if the cause of this is the failure to find your ‘Self’.

Often they tell you to become a person who takes into consideration some bit of happiness of everyone around you; at least becoming someone who relatively keeps people around her at peace. The reason is simple, “You live with people”. I would buy that if you are an alcoholic, drug addict or you are too low on the scale of decency. Yes, you are expected to change then for your own good but never for anyone else.

But sometimes you are expected to change because you do not do any kind of drama and you disgust faking emotions; when you are the person who is clear in her head that black is black and white is white but people want you to call the black as white because they simply like that color.

Once in a while you get tired of everything. You get tired reasoning with them that it is the color black and not white, you get tired arguing, tired fighting, tired crying, tired staying quiet and you eventually succumb to the situation. By doing this you compromise one bit of yourself to content every new person and in all this, you completely lose yourself.

Amidst the commotion, you ask yourself once every day, “Are you living happily?” It is bizarre when happiness = Good understanding parents + an ideal job + luxuries in life.

It is bizarre when despite all of these, there still is a state of void because one fine day when you get up, you realize, you do not remember yourself anymore.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Monday, April 11, 2011

That One big Mistake....

Arya took every decision in her life after a detailed analysis, but she flawed the most important decision of her life. Just how you become used to plucking the right apples all your life, you go blind exactly the time you touch the rotten one.

Angels do not exist, but yet we dream; perfection does not exist, but yet we idealize. Sometimes God makes you strong in past because he knows of your lonely state in near future.

Positive vibes attracts positive energy around you; positive thinking attracts luck around you and sometimes despite all of it, you make that one mistake and risk the major part of your life.

Love is a journey as she thought; love just a need as she discovered. Love – a state of completeness as she felt; love just a habit as she realized.

Arya explained to him how her happiness is slaughtered every day, and his reciprocation remains the same. Arya wished if she could do anything to make things better, and to that his reciprocation remains the same. She told him, “Her script remains the same, but she just tells the same thing to him over and over in a different way". And despite that, his reciprocation remains the same.

“I agree, I understand, I am sorry because I let this happen to you always”
--- the reciprocation remains the same!


Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Living for your 'SELF'

‘Life moves on’, as they say, stands true. Expectations from a relationship die eventually and you realise you are just wasting your life hoping for things to become better. I do not know if it is about accepting things as they are because my mind for a change does not want to think that deep. But it surely is about moving on to live your life.

We live our life trying to fulfill expectations of everyone around us and the time we decide to free ourselves a bit to fulfill our desires, we are often questioned and the whole journey of self fulfillment is ruined. It is bizarre, we were born alone, we surely had a purpose to turn into a human and not an insect, and yet we live more for everything around us than for ourselves.

They told us to be independent and make a living for yourself so that you can have a better life ahead. The words were so enforcing yet so practical that we joined in the race, almost eventually forgetting to live life.

Once in a while when enough has been earned, we find ways to relax ourselves by spending some portion of that money. A cinema, good food in a restaurant, some drinks in a good pub or lounge, a dance in a discotheque, a music concert, a play or a long drive in a good car – but yes, eventually, we have enough of that too.

With dawn and dusk, the race continues, the void creeps in and questions go on. “Are you living your life truly the way you wish in your heart and head?”, “Is this what you really wanted to do in life?”, “Do you really want to get married?”, “Are you really in love?”, “Do you want to live for yourself?”

It is no more about relationships; it is no more about what they expect from us and what we once expected from them. It is no more about tears of pain and laughter of momentary materialistic pleasures. It is just about 'YOU' and knowing that there is just one fact, that you are eventually going to die. Everything else around you can change any moment, but this fact stays true. Then the question remains, “From this one life that you had, have you lived enough to die in peace?”

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Friday, March 18, 2011

In your memory

It scares me when I try to recall your memories and I realize the visuals are not clear before me. You tell me it is history now and that I should not cry, but yet the tears.

Sometimes I wonder how conveniently I stopped thinking about you and everything associated to you started going away from me, yet when its dusk, and night approaches me, I have these tears.

It scares me to imagine what if I forget the way you look and the way you were. I tell myself I do not think of you anymore and yet these tears.

"It happens! It happens!" You tell me so easily and I assure you that you are no more on my mind and that you are a history, but yet these tears.

Four years ago, you left me without giving me a call or messaging me and I wondered if there should have been a system of doing so before God took my special one away from me.

I tell God, you have been unfair to me because I really felt for you and today when I bluntly say you are dead, I yet have these tears.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

I regret that a person never walked with me all my life for she could write how I lived my life. I laughed more than happiness ever holds any meaning; I cried more than heart can ever hold any pain; I gave more than humanity can be defined in any way; I danced to every tune of life and whether it be happy or sad, I enjoyed every move of my dance. I dived into the ocean of risks and learnt somethng new from life. The dive caused some bit of pain but the hurt was worth it. Today I stand right at the center of nowhere and nothing awaits for me; nothing runs on my mind; I'm called nothing and life was my past. I do not know if I'm dead or on my way to death. I'm anything but alive.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Forgiving yourself

The biggest guilt is not when you desperately ask for forgiveness from him; it is when you plead before yourself to forgive the sin you think is more than crime. Such is helplessness that you do not know how to convince yourself to say ‘It’s okay’.
I am more than confident lately that I am doomed and my mistakes cannot be pardoned anymore. I do not know when I changed so much to become unacceptable to my ‘self’.

Deep down I know I do not wish for anything bad for anyone. You cannot think that for someone you call a friend; and I do not think any one is a foe to me. Yet the utmost rejection by my conscience and I do not know how to get myself back.

I know I do not have much time left to get my self back because one act of sin can get me to lose everything. I am running under the pressure of time and I only hope to make everything alright.

My sanity has become my neighbor whom I do not visit often. My goodness has become my weakness which I prefer not to show to people. It looks like I do not have a grip on my emotions anymore and I do not know which part of me within has been so hurt for me to become that way. What am I looking for? Do I miss having a conversation with myself?

I tried doing that but I do not recall the language of communicating with self anymore. Why has this all become so difficult when it was something I was once very good at? And with this incompetency of not finding answers, I repeat the mistakes and once again become unacceptable to my self.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Letter to God

She does not speak to me anymore. She says I am always unfair to her. She may be right but my heart leaves me with no choice. I have to choose between my love and her. She tells me that she lives within me and that I should love my life more than loving him. The combination of these words is quite familiar to me, but I do not understand her language. I know he often makes her cry and she gets completely devastated and she begs before me to help her become strong. Trust my heart, I cannot see her that way and to an extent I cannot stand someone mistreating her so inhumanly.

The dark night comes to an end and her silence is most painful in the day. I go running to him and she looks at me like I am the rapist of her life. I want to be with her, and I want to be fair but the day I do that, I will be unable to love him hundred percent. May be that’s how I always did it – I always liked to give my hundred percent in everything.

My mind tells me if I go away from her, I will lose my self forever; it is better to lose someone else than losing yourself. I have always risked her shouts and tears with a hope that he will not hurt her again. These days I live without her being in me, but yes I am still with him, hoping the light of love to last forever.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Time of Life

Time never changes; it only passes. Lived life with a hope that soon days would not be the same. Days never change; it only changes numbers on the calendar. Often a heart full of love is broken when it thuds with a shock towards an event. Heart never truly breaks because of an event; it does with simple words.

Often tears are wiped off. Sometimes they are ignored. A heart truly breaks when ‘sometimes’ become often.

Time never changes; it only passes. The story is still the same; the script is different; the characters are different. Eventually, the story has to end.

I wait to exit..

Sunday, January 30, 2011

A New Day !

Today I had a great Sunday because I spoke with the wall in my room; I spoke with the lights, I spoke with the furniture and they all chose to listen to me patiently. They did not ridicule me when I cried before them; they did not complain that they are bored listening to me. Most importantly they did not sleep while I was talking to them. Today I realized I could always be friends with all of these and for my lifetime I ignored their presence around me. They heard me shouting in pain every time someone broke my heart; they saw me crying every time my soul wanted to come out from me. They saw me grow up, they saw me change.

Today I had a great Sunday because for the first time in my life I felt I had no expectation from a human.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

You cannot show me how to love !

Despite the attempts of making a relationship work, sometimes you vent out a concealed complaint and ruin this conscious effort. It is true one can give up the bad habits; one can alter a wrong behavior to improvise, but one cannot learn how to love. Love is the only feeling that comes from within and cannot be manipulated. You can tell someone where they go wrong; you can tell them what hurts you, bothers you, but you cannot tell them how to love you.

Reciprocation in form of prolonged numbness to your expectations creates a deep void within you and you feel more helpless than incomplete. Bizarre a relationship becomes when you realize you are not letting a person love you the way he wants to love you. Despite the wisdom and maturity you occasionally attempt to understand his way of loving you, you realize his ways are more a result of conscious effort and misses a great deal of natural reaction.

There would not be a conscious effort to make things work if there was no love. I know the love prevails, and guess a time comes when you have to just accept that everyone have their ways to love you. The age old forwards carried for a long time a line which stands true and while I did not understand its relevance as a teenager, I do now– “Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, does not mean they do not love you at all with all they have”

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Strange Voyager

All my life I was too busy either searching for love or finding ways to give love and amidst this search, I experienced too many reactions, emotions; some within me, some from other people. Sum it up for a longer duration, my mind was not really as healthy as it should have been and I must say I pushed smile away from me for a lot of days in my life.

Amidst my run in the dense jungle of love relationships, I found a voyager who was walking on the same path as I was and we happen to smile at each other for absolute no reason. That was the first time I understood that we do not always need ‘love’ to make us smile; sometimes two strangers walking aside each other can have some wordless thoughts to communicate. I understood, there are relationships beyond love and friendship.

Isn’t it funny how some people feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts with someone they have not met in person? Quite frankly, it is always better to puke out thoughts before someone who has no preconceived notions about us; who has not seen us for them to ‘create or not create’ any impression on us. Most of the times, looks influence the way people behave with us; so does money!

Strange how despite the desperation to seek natural emotions like love and care, how we all at point of time, for even a nanasecond are influenced by the greed of materialism.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Dangers of honesty

Lost in the traces of intolerable pain, I gasp every moment to make myself believe I am alive.
‘Honesty’ as people once said is my strength, I regret their saying!
This genuineness of my heart tortures me in different ways in this human world
And with every moment of my truth, I lose one more bit within me

There are far more dangers to truth and I realized it until I saw the ease people are at when they lie.
Today I am a prisoner of life and my crime is that I say the truth
I can be a changed person, but then I would not know how to love
I can choose not to love, but then I would be just a machine who can walk, talk and remember.

Lost in the traces of their doing, I gasp to make myself believe I can yet take the pain
‘Love’ as people said is what I do most beautifully; today I regret their saying!
I cannot hear the shouts of my cry; it tells me I have no happiness left within
I cannot bear the pain in my heart; it tells me I am still madly in love

There are far more dangers of being in love and I realized it until I saw losing myself
I was a selfish girl and by error I loved someone more than me
Today I am a prisoner of pain, and my crime is I told him I am incomplete without him

‘Honesty’ I say is the weakness in me, as it alienates me more from people who look like me

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Ink in my heart

The ink in my heart has finished alas and the thoughts that reside within find no place to escape. I write words which are nothing but a combination of English alphabets and I am glad that the typing on the keyboard is one way to expel the nothingness within me. The sound of the keys tells me there is voice to my emptiness and I am not entirely alone; there is something I hear, there is something I touch.

Each day as I resolute to trust you again, I relive your betrayal every night in form of nightmares. Today I am so disturbed that as I open my eyes in fear, I fail to make out truth from nightmare.

Your every day lie and manipulation of truth has kept me one step away from the valley of insanity. I am on the cliff of madness and I fear an untimely push from the new born wordless girl within me.

Every time you touch my cheeks to force a smile on my face, I am assured the extremity of this pain has made my tears so crazy that today it has learnt to smile in madness.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande