Where Are You?

When in extreme pain, I often without being consciously aware try and google ‘God’. How crazy you think I am is how crazy I think I am when I act upon it, yet my desperate need to find someone who can relate to what I feel increases with every incident. Idol stands numb in front of me and I am not sure if god resides within it. I do not know where else to look for him.

I hold too much impurity within me now that I cannot find you within me and even when I resolute I would not err, I repeat it. I do not know how to behave with these human beings who have weird thoughts on their mind; I do not know what makes them think so strange and I feel so alienated. I later give up and act in a way with them which my conscience chooses to not accept.

Foolish was the person who said goodness pays, because in this world what is required is a state of ‘no conscience’; where honesty is laughed upon.
I am stuck because I do not know to be anything else than this. Today I suffocate because I am trapped amidst a good soul and a pure human. The life of latter I detest to live.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

One thing You Miss The Most Is...

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Happiness’ and no matter how hard you try to be jovial and positive, particular things around you tend to go wrong. Despite the odds, you decide to stay calm and happy, but these things have their own way of screwing up with your mind and you desire to make yourself stronger to conquer that.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘Peace’ and I do not remember the last time I felt it. The last feeling I got of peace was when my sis told to me, ‘You had a smile on your face when you were sleeping’.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘company of people who stayed with you despite the odds’. I tried to make things better, I tried giving everything I could, but yet I could not fulfill certain expectations. I truly miss these people who gave me that hug, who cared for me so much.

Sometimes one thing that you most miss is ‘simplicity’. I do not crave for a diamond ring to make me happy; A five rupee ring one can get from a Local train can make me truly happy because for some strange reason I would feel the connection, I would feel the bond, I would feel I am yours forever.

I do not need big flower bouquet from you; all that can make me happy is that one petal of rose and words of togetherness.

I do not need a dinner at an expensive restaurant; the one thing that made me happy was feeding you in the car from the Tiffin.

Today people seem to have alienated me; today my words are made fun of and people laugh about it; today people ask me to make most out of what luxuries I get for free and squeeze some more with tact of manipulation.

I never thought about myself even once when I got anything for you; I wanted you to have every object of luxury because I felt that’s what you only identity yourself with; I could not afford it, scrapped through that period with expenses, but managed to buy things for you, which you will truly use.

I do not need your money in any form; all I need is a sign that you truly love me.

Sometimes one thing you most miss is a ‘sign of love’.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Friendship in Love

Every time I would blog a new post, my meaning of ‘greater pain' would change. With every new day, I learn something I never did before; I experience something I never experienced before.

Often it is our brain that makes us cry by making us visualize memories of past. I wonder how conveniently we all in our literature of love accuse the heart for all the pain in love.

Losing your lover is not as painful as losing a friend in him.

Friendship is all about love, care and support and when we get all of it in its extreme, we get habituated to it. There are times when this friend becomes a lover, and I then wonder, what different a lover has to offer because I am pretty content with this friend in him. When for some reason, this person no more stays with us, it is not the love that we miss, but it is the friendship.

When we were not together, I did not know with whom to share all the silly things I experienced in the day; I did not know with whom I should gossip in humor; I did not know with whom I should share my worries and later laugh it out loud.

I hated watching movies, I hated going to restaurants, and I hated long drives because it was never going to a movie for me, it was never going to a restaurant- it simply was having you around me. Having you around me meant finding a worse movie amazing and relishing food as I never did before.

I wondered what missing love is all about because for me this is your friendship to me where I get love, care and support.

It is true that if you have a best friend in your lover, even if situations become grave in love, it will only be friendship that will get you two back again.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande

So screwed up !

Life has a wonderful way to screw us, and it mostly happens when we decide to not let feeling like love enter our life. It usually happens to us when we decide to be a robot and lead a life free of emotions.

Every time I decided to set myself free from this thing called love and lead a normal life where only career existed, I once in 4-5 years met someone who gave me hope to see happiness as it is and then he ended up screwing it like it had never been screwed before.

Every time I have loved someone with all my honesty, trust and loyalty; every time I have given everything possible I m capable of, I have been betrayed so miserably that the existence of love can be doubted. The worse thing is despite all of this I have never been able to dislike them, forget about hating them.

Sometimes it feels like I am just a tissue paper. Emotions mean a lot to me, love means a lot to me, but all people go gaga over is for looks; which is so futile… A person can have wonderful looks, but what matters is a clean conscience and a pure soul. I wish there was one person who could value this...

written by vrushali deshpande

Who would find out !

Every time I am hurt, my mind makes me aware of how short while it would be and in no time I will have no choice than to smile. Despite the pain being so unbearable, my mind forces me to be resilient and move on, while my heart on the other hand decides to take a pause.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

One thought, One line

“Stay positive and happy in life or God will make you go through one more painful experience to make you tough”, said my friend to me. Amazed at the thought, from then I felt nervous about every tear and complain. Fear from nervousness is again negative and now I do not know what to feel.

-Vrushali Deshpande

Joke of Life

It’s true when someone said, ‘We can never forget our first love’, and equally difficult to get over it. I have come to realize, it is the age in which we suffer from the pain of separation that influences our decisions in life.

Separation during teenage with your classmate is more memorable and painful or separation with your ‘would be fiancé’; separation with your fiancé is more painful or separation with your husband; separation from the man you meet and fall in love after your first divorce is more painful or separation from the man you meet, marry and get betrayed after your first divorce.

Isn’t it funny that experiences make us grow stronger mentally escalating our willpower and level of resilience, but as we grow with age, the relationship we get into escalates equally in its level of gravity and importance and this reflects on how we then choose to be in life.

Isn’t it funny that experiences make us realize our trust was betrayed so it’s time we learn from it, but as we grow with age, despite being strong, our level of faith in ‘trust’ depletes with repetitive betrayals and we wear more shields – Making less people in future to know how we really are!

Love meant the most ultimate thing to me in my life and career always followed later, but every time love made fun of me, laughed on my face and went, my career became stronger. There are very few positive things in life you do to distract yourself from the pain, instead of adapting to measures like drinking, partying to escape the emptiness. No matter you better your career or drink, the tears of pain remain cold in your eyes.

Honesty remained always my weakness and with it loyalty followed on its own. It took me a long time to realize that when you innocently unveil every thought in your mind, you let the person know you well enough to betray you in its most miserable way.

Sometimes you know every person at the back of your hand and you are known for your ability to know the devil inside them, but how strangely you falter all the time in love in seeing the devil within them.

Sometimes you trust someone so much that you let them have space to have a life of their own besides ‘love’. When later betrayed, more than holding them responsible, you wonder if there is something wrong you did to not give them enough love.

When you love someone so much they are all you think of. When later betrayed, people around you have to remind you to ask one question ‘Why?’ How embarrassed I went when it struck me I broke in tears before you but forgot to ask you why you did this to me.

This must be one of my very write-ups when I have not cried while writing, but the pain is far more than the ones I sob about.

Trust everyone, but just don’t trust the devil inside them!

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

White Sheet of Paper

White sheet of paper lies on my desk and I stare at it with a vision of disappointment from life. I observe every bit in the paper to get lost in its white bright shade where I see nothing but purity. I can relate to this white clean sheet of paper which is lifeless to you but symbolizes purity to me. I look deep enough to visualize my God’s house where he often sits and speaks to me. As I am lost in this pure world, I see few droplets of tears on this paper which disturbs my vision and brings me back to reality where thrives only and only impurity.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Random thought

I have had a series of not-so-good days when mind could not function as per the civilized standards and the word ‘logic’ was thrown out of my dictionary. Some part of the day’s life screwed me and the latter part of it is screwed by me because of my incapability to handle the former. Journey from ‘inexperienced’ to ‘experienced’ was more than just the puddle of ‘to’ amidst the two bridges of experience.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

When Life was not so Serious..!

I long for the time when tension only meant fear of examination;
When love meant a weird tickle in your stomach, dried throat and cold hands;
I miss the time when cheating only meant copying in examinations.
I wonder thinking of the time when lying only meant hiding from your parents your meet with your boyfriend.
Today words remain the same, but meanings have changed.

I seem to be remembering the day when success meant getting a good score;
When politics never had any role to play and its existence never in the mind
I cry thinking of the times when happiness meant a surprise gift from parents
When having a big laugh did not leave you thinking if you are going to cry the next moment.
I smile remembering the day when extent of laughter meant rolling on the ground.
Today words remain the same, but feelings have changed

I do not know who have changed these meanings; who have altered these feelings.
I do not know when life became so serious that happiness had to be compromised.
I envy the person 10-15 years younger to me who is still living this life
Today the world is still the same, but I have changed.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Power of silence

This strong storming force of silence fills me with aloneness and the sound of its gloominess takes me to an alien world from where I can never return. The sound of this silence is so audible to my deaf ears that I can no more hear the shouts of the past and I dig more into the hollowness of nothingness. The resonance of my breathing wakes me up from my silence and I regret this act of respiration that keeps me alive.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Shadow of Loneliness

Loneliness has found its new meaning in this dark shadow of my life and I walk past it naïve and numb no more escaping it. The rays in the morning blind me and I collapse defeated going down on my knees begging before the sun to spare me for once. Life finds its new meaning when night brings my soul closer to life and morning attempts to deplete its being. Life loses its meaning when I feel that even night is no more with me and I walk away from it betrayed and deceived.

Tragedies become joke when people you love give a deaf ear to your cry and so I have ample of reasons to smile and a lot more to laugh. The day seems longer when sleep evades me in the night and I have more hours to stare at the black screen. There is nothing I think; there is no one I imagine; there is no color to my thoughtless world.

Life is disappointed with me and it decides to no more communicate with me. I bring my soul so closer to the human world that it decides to disconnect with me. The human in me degrades my conscience to the extent that it decides to never come to consciousness. And I with all my impurity detach myself from the human world where people were friends, friends were family and family my companions for life.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Tell me !

Unknown hidden pain troubles me everyday
I crave to explore the reason of its being
This restless feeling gushes within me
And I beg to the invisible to set me free

I experience this ever increasing void
As I shout louder to him, ‘I love you’
Tell me if it’s something I am missing
Tell me if it’s someone I am missing

‘Being me’ with him makes me feel I am no more myself
It’s my ‘Self’ I do not recognize;
It’s my soul I disconnect with
I experience this wave of loneliness coming towards me
As I cry of past with a strong face pleading before him to hear me out!

I had lame parties and companions who I called friends
I had fatal cocktails and loud music to shun me from the world
Today I give him all my time
Today I surrender the entire ‘Self’ to him
Yet I experience this feeling of defeat
As I crave to share the world I ran away from
Tell me if it’s something I am missing
Tell me if it’s someone I am missing

Love meant everything to me
It is something I awaited for 26 years
Today it comes to me at its extreme
Today I experience care like I was never cared before
Yet I experience this feeling of incompleteness
As I hug him with all the emotions
Tell me if it’s something I am missing
Tell me if it’s someone I am missing

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Who are you ?

I had made one friend few years back,
I knew it was 'happiness' that she lacked.
She wanted to shout so loud that no one could hear,
She wanted a friend, who can be so dear.

Her every letter which formed a word was crying.
Her fictitious smile which she carried was dying.
The innocence was felt all the time
She asked me "Tell me, wont I ever smile?”

I taught her to be brave and strong,
and improvise on everything that went wrong.
26 years passed, now she has no more tears.
Looking at her blank expressions, I asked with fear,
“What have you done to yourself?”
She said “You asked me to smile, so someone taught me to pretend,
You told never to depend
so, i just couldn’t make even 1 friend.

I asked her "Do you think you are living this life?"
She said "Yes, i am breathing this air which is cutting me like a knife.
She said, "I always tried playing your role",
I smiled and asked her, "Who are you?"
She said "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I am your soul "

Written by: Vrushali Deshpande

Oktober Fest: A place where you can be YOU

Isn’t it funny when you see a huge crowd walking towards you as if they are deluded and surprisingly you do not fear that at all?

Isn’t it funny when you have a friendly banter with people who are complete strangers to you?

Welcome to the world of Oktober Fest held in Germany.

It did make me feel for a moment that my positional vertigo is back – Eh! Vertigo is an illusion of motion when the world around you spins due to some silly fluid movement in your ear. In Oktober fest, you would not see a single individual who can walk straight – quite obviously because it’s a beer festival and people are too high to walk on a straight line. Big fat ladies in their most revealing outfit serve you a huge mug (1 liter) of beer and while she serves you, she finishes a couple of them on her own as well.

It was hilarious and yet wonderful to see so many people happy and enjoy at the same time; it was fun to see people collapsing on each other yet with no indecent intention of pushing someone on purpose. It was surprising to talk to some Bavarians for hours and realize their extreme hunger to experience self –awareness and spirituality.

Wouldn’t you find it strange when you meet some people just like you, but all they do not know is the way to awaken spirit of introspection and train their conscience with deeper understanding of self?

Oktober fest is all about letting your trained mind over the years relax for few hours; when you do not anymore want to pretend; when you act what you feel and say what you think with no fear of being reciprocated in an evaluate manner.

A must visit once in your life!

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

They told me

They told me “Never tell your guy everything about yourself”; they told me “Never open up too much before him, let there be mystery”.

When I share my life with you, I do because you are a part of it. When I share my secrets with you, I do because you hold the right to know it all. I share a bond of wonderful friendship with you before anything else and I do not know a way to tweak in diplomacy. With you, I can be what I am.

Every time I hear you laughing, I cross my fingers secretly and pray this lasts forever in your life. Every time I hear you in pain, my heart fills with uncontrollable tears and all I wish is to hug you with all the warmth. Every time I hear your silence, I wish I never hurt you again.

Yes, I loved someone madly before I met you. Yes, I was mad enough to see hope in the relationship after every humiliation; even after I see some other girl love him right in front of my eyes. Yes, I was mad enough to cry helplessly and with every tear, I craved to hear him once. I gave six years of my life to him and it felt six seconds to him.

Love became a stranger to me and I could no more believe in it; it was my friend who took me out of it and helped me see the world from a new perspective. It is when I told myself not to believe that I have started liking him. If I remembered smiling again, it was only because of him. Yes, maybe he became more than just a friend.

I still remember the day when he left me forever. I still remember touching his cold feet and telling myself ‘This is the only time you can feel him’. I stored all his memories as I saw people taking him away.

Every time I see you looking at me with lot of love, I wish if I can love you back as much you do. Every time I feel the love, I ask suspiciously to myself if you are going to stay longer. Every time you hold my hand, I feel the warmth in your hand as much I can because I am too scared to have the thought of never feeling it again.

Today I give my heart and soul to someone once again; today I give my belief and trust to someone once again.

They told me “Never tell your guy everything about yourself”; they told me “Never open up too much before him, let there be mystery”.

But if I do not tell it all to you, whom do I have to tell it to…?

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Respect your Love

Every person in his life wishes to meet the one who is made for them and I am not sure how many eventually get lucky with this. Before stepping into a relationship of love, we often wonder if he’s the one who is meant for us and after an awful break up, we start to doubt the celestial concept of meeting our soul mate. The next time love hints at us, we hope this relationship lasts forever and as it proceeds we again foolishly ask ourselves, ‘so is he the one?’ More often than not, this continues until we completely lose faith in this concept of meeting the latter half of your soul.

Life acts funny when you are out of your dream world, letting reality in its extreme practical sense creep into your life and you meet someone who from an acquaintance becomes a friend and from a friend becomes the one with whom you can share your deepest secrets without fear in your heart; with whom you can share your past without tears in your eyes; with whom you can share present without hesitance; with whom you can share your future ambitions as if you two were one. You share a relationship where you read his thoughts as though you can hear them in his silence; you share a bond where you get the vibe from his body within the first few seconds of your meet that he is upset about something or has had a bad day. The relationship goes beyond words like ‘celestial’ and ‘supernatural’.

With immense love follows expectations and you wonder why you expect so much from this person when you never did in any of your past relationship despite the hardship involved into it. When reality does not meet expectations, one may get angry and this when suppressed slowly pushes into your subconscious mind. When complaints from past relationships are suppressed the unresolved anger often gets directed unfairly in your present relationship. This incapability to discuss complaints and vent out your frustration with the person of past makes you to later see his negative resemblance in your present relationship and this especially happens when your present relationship says or does something that is closer to the past which apparently once caused a lot of pain to you.

When angry over any issue with your love, discuss it out intelligently or you may end up losing the one you waited for your life because of the unresolved grievances of your past. Remember, chances are miniscule that we meet the one made for us; remember, it is not often that we seek love from them and it is an absolute fortune and rarity that we get to spend our whole life with them. Treasure them when you get them; and if you don’t then the next time you cry, you will lose the right to complain before God, begging for love to step into your life.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Smiling Tears

I write only when I do not share with my loved ones the things that upset me the most; I write only when I am well assured none I know will be able to feel within them what I intend them to understand; I write only when I do not want to be a victim of some so called friends who bring up your weakness and problems shared with them in fights. It is only then that I blog.

15 years ago I used a notepad made out of scraps of electronic device’s packaging material and a pen that was first visible to my naked eye. I did not share with a walking, talking creature then as well.

Today on my birthday, I write because I experience ‘Smiling Tears’ from a perspective I never thought of when I first came up with this title. For me it always meant the attitude of being strong and smiling in life despite the odds.

Every time people who knew me in person asked if ‘Smiling tears’ means tears of happiness, I wondered if I give out such positive vibes and I hoped they never Google my blog to be later disappointed with extreme level of gloominess.

Every time people who knew me visited my blog and said ‘I can understand’, I was surprised at the simplicity at which they looked at my complicated emotions.

The frequency at which I stayed connected with friends, I am taken aback that there are so many people who remember my birthday; especially when they are not even on any of my social networking sites. I am shameless to admit, that’s the only way I get to know my friends birthdays.

Thanks a ton to my friends in media; journalists, bollywood film producers and PR professionals.

Thanks a ton to all my juniors from Graduation College who have wished me every year since the time they have met me.

Thanks a ton to my colleagues because you helped me see relationship beyond the meaning of professionalism.

Thanks a ton to my dearest family who has given me everything I ever asked for! Love you all the most.

Thanks for making me experience Smiling Tears in its most simplest way, 'Tears of Happiness'

Surprise Surprise! Advance Happy Birthday!

‘Overwhelming’, is a very small expression to the gesture I am receiving from people around me. Just one day before my birthday I am loaded with gifts from family, friends & colleagues and it indeed is surprising when you get an amazing gift from people you never expected even in the weirdest dream.

Today I have come to realize the existence of people in my life who did not necessarily had to be sweet with me. No, it isn’t about the money they spent to buy me those gifts, but a simple gesture of making me feel good; the most natural smile they had on their face when they saw me happy.

I believe that a person can earn millions and billions but it is their emotion which they want me to see and not the fancy gift really. I saw it on their face; in their eyes so evidently that I did not know I can be special to so many people.
Today I have to come realize there have been people who are exceptionally nice to me despite my untimely mood flings and yet they keep their patience. I guess it’s time for me to observe the nice souls, value them just a little more and treasure them forever in my life.

Amidst the whole ‘turning 26’ sadness, for a change I don’t feel that bad anymore! Haha!

@ 12:00 am it's going to be time to open the gift from work, an amazingly delectable 'White Wine'.

The busy man in your life

“I absolutely disgust people who are two faced & I do not know which of his cheek to slap first”, wrote a classmate of mine from the MBA batch on her facebook profile. Instantaneously, I replied, “I suggest kiss on his one cheek & slap on the other. You never know the toes you step on today could be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.”

While the reply struck my mind in seconds, I wondered if outburst of our anger on people (not ‘very’ closely connected to us) would be the right thing to do. Diplomacy indeed has become the need of today in order to survive in today’s highly competitive world. I do not know if calling ‘diplomacy’ would be appropriate or is it simply an attitude to maintain cordial relationship with everyone for selfish reasons by being in complete control of your emotions.

I have often seen people who run so fast initially towards the need for survival and then chasing to fulfilling their dreams that they seldom find time for their closed knit relationships. Nevertheless, to run the family the former is essential & to mount luxury on your loved ones, the latter is important – Yes, at the cost of compromising on the time you give to your loved ones or more often not finding time to simply express your love for them once in a day

All my life I stressed a lot on the need of love & care; mainly the role of emotions in a human’s life. The need for it increased every year when the more and more people I met in this city had their world revolving around materialism and I wondered how important money & success is to everyone. I do not know if calling them ‘materialistic’ would be appropriate or were they simply working hard to survive in this highly expensive city and the ones, who went beyond just survival, were making a mark to fulfill their dreams.

I too have dreams & they are big enough to create my own individual identity; but yet amidst the hectic life; amidst the materialism & luxury emerges a need for love & care – a realization that back home, there’s someone you want to share your day with.

Yesterday someone told me, “Men are blessed with only one quality and that is ‘Tolerance’ before ‘Expression’.” I replied after a deep gasp with no thought of feminism on my mind, “Women are blessed with both tolerance & the ability to express.”

George .H. Lewes and a ‘man’ himself quoted, “It is not enough that a man has clearness of vision, and reliance on sincerity, he must also have the art of expression, or he will remain obscure."

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Secret of a Tough Woman

In past, the story started with “Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a princess waiting expectantly for her prince, who of course comes to her rescue in his shining armour astride a white horse, upon which they both ride into the sunset and to a place called Happily Ever After.”

It was not long ago that women dreamt of men coming to rescue them and eloping them onto a white horse; however, things may have changed just a little for quite a few of them. A contemporary story in the present scenario shall start with “Once upon a time there was a princess and along came a prince who asked her if she would like ride on his white horse. She said, ‘I cannot right now because I am a little busy getting my own horse. Go ride off into the sunset without me and I will catch up a little later so then we can ride side by side.”

I am not a feminist and thus I do not intend to convey that women are perfectly capable enough of taking care of themselves and they do not fancy romance or love in their life. They indeed do; and that’s why the princess in the contemporary story insists to ride side by side. The dependency factor or reliance curve on the man has shifted a little down for a woman who is not a working girl necessarily, but who is an ambitious working girl aiming to make it big. There is also quite a huge difference in terms of personality traits between a girl who just works to earn a living and a girl who works because she dreams to make it big eventually.

The latter appears strong, determined, independent, mature and resilient but yet deep down within her is a woman who is waiting for a man to fill the void. She’s been too strong on her inherently sensitive heart and to survive the competitively dominant male society, she expresses more strength than she ever holds. When before the love of her life, this contemporary woman often gets confused between the woman in her and the traits she had to imbibe in her to survive fierce competition. - A personality crisis of some sort.

The stronger a woman appears to be; the more sensitive her heart is. It is to conceal this sensitivity that she wears the mask and eventually this mask absorbs into her as one of the part of her overall personality. This heart has an infinite capacity to love, which is one of the most beautiful things about being the way she. This woman of contemporary can forgive you so easily that you would second guess the crime you committed on her heart.

While you find this complication a bit difficult to handle in the start; the only way to break through all of this is to only love her unconditionally.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Road Accident

I often said to myself no matter the emotional turmoil which most often lasts for few hours, I should always learn to value life. Despite the recurrent negative write ups, and expression of emotions in its most explicit sense, I never could find the creativity within me to write a completely positive article and express optimism which I implement in life. Most often than I can think of, I was encouraged by readers to express the beauty of happy emotions in my writings and I failed in vain.

7th July, 2010, a rainy day on a Wednesday morning, I was all prepared to manage the Press Conference of my company, Audi India at the mahalaxmi race course, Mumbai.

Murphy’s law as it some times is ‘ things go wrong when they are meant to go wrong’, I was unable to find a decent transportation from home, and thus, my company car was sent to pick me up from Hotel Trident, Bandra at sharp 08:15 hrs. I started my journey in an auto rickshaw at 07:45 hrs to make it to trident on time.

A smooth surface road where it is not the traffic that is expected but speedy vehicles,I was on the Bandra Kurla Complex Road in Mumbai. Five minutes from my desired destination, the driver decides to switch his auto rickshaw in the sport mode, making me experience sportiness in a local machine. For some strange reason at that very moment, a pedestrian happened to act eccentric and crossed the road with every possible intention to die. While he got saved by a Hyundai car in the first attempt, where the driver braked on time, the foolish man was soon to get a hit by my unsteady auto rickshaw.

The most right thing to do that very moment, the driver of my auto rickshaw braked in from his sport mode on the wet slippery road , whereby I experienced the weirdest feeling of my life. I felt the brake; I heard its noise; I experienced the record breaking RPM (rotations per minute) of the auto rickshaw. The auto rickshaw toppled, all topsy turvy.

A second ago when the view before my eyes was the windscreen, it was now the chassis (bottom) of the auto rickshaw, where nothing else seemed visible to my naked eyes. I knew it for sure in those few seconds that 'my life is over'.

I did not have the time for fear of death to grip my heart; I was in a state which I will never be able to define. Saying it 'being unconscious with eyes open' would be an understatement. All I can recall is a strange sadness, where I wished during the topple that it did not end so soon.

Out of more than 30 men gathered, only 1 lady in her 40's took me out of the rick, making me climb on what happens to be the bottom of the auto. She calmed me down when I was in a complete shock; looked at me with only concern when she did not even know me; uttered 'God bless you'and I could feel the genuine pray that followed with it.

Flip side to Murphy’s Law, ‘when things are meant to go right, they always do, no matter what’. The seat of the auto rickshaw came out, the handle twisted badly and I come out with only bruises on my body, which later resulted in only a swollen hand and leg.

I guess, this is what it meant when people said, 'you are God's favourite child'.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Tears

Untimely cry seems like has become a part of my every day chore; these uninvited tears seem to have found its home beneath my eyes. Heart fills with too much pain, the reason for which hides deep within my soul. Mind seems to have become too engrossed in thoughts that have no visuals; that have no story. I pass days and nights without once realizing I have gone way quieter from within to hear the noise of my silence.

I long to become stronger to escape the burns of my tears; and with this determination I create more space within me to store unhappiness. I foolishly presume my rudeness to be numbness and with this delusion I push myself more into the ‘zero’ state – where nothing exists.

Deaf to the music of rain, I for the only time do not feel the need to hide these tears. The roaring of the cloud awakens me from my thoughtless world and rains seem to have something to teach me. I flashback my life to recall the abrupt school holidays due to ill-timed rains and realize how alien happiness has now become to me.

I smirk as soon as I blink to bury this memory; and wonder in surprise that it made me go back fourteen years just to recall my last memory of happiness.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

'Mannat'

Often I come across people from farther parts of the country traveling from the over crowded ‘Mumbai Darshan’ bus, with an intention to see Mumbai aka Bombay the way they always saw it in the movies. I do not know if what they expect Mumbai to be is what it turns out to be. I do not know what thoughts they have on their mind when they decide to have their vacation in the country’s most populated city; where every person is so preoccupied in his own world.

Often I come across this ‘Mumbai Darshan’ bus passing through the bandstand road in Bandra, halting right outside ‘Mannat’ – the pent house of India’s most successful, rich and famous film star, Mr. Shahrukh Khan.

People’s expressions lit in joy as they try to look inside Mannat; the house which is in itself barely visible and the secure entrance does not let you see anything. Yet people with all their attempts try to peek in; hoping to get one glance at this celebrity who happens to thrive on the same planet we do.

While I see these commuters excite in amazement, pinching themselves if they are actually standing right outside his house, makes me wonder if a person who never spoke with them, whom they never saw or met in real life can make a difference in their life.

As I stand on the balcony and watch all of this with curiosity, I remove my cellular and click Mannat from the third floor of the neighboring apartment; and wonder if this house they intend to see and yet cannot view, really means so much to them.

As I stare at the picture, truly wanting to feel the excitement in their heart, I wonder this view which is so easily accessible to me means immense happiness to someone standing on the other side of the road. I learn what means nothing to one, means everything to someone. It is not always the big things in life that make you happy, but the joy you find in small things.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Nightmare

Every day I continue my act of breathing, telling the world around me that it does not mean to me anymore.Every night before sleeping he tells me “sweet dreams” and when I am in deep sleep, I often cry in the middle of night having you in my dream. Every night I wake up in tears craving to talk to you once; wishing you would console me once again and make me go off to sleep just the way you did that night.

My sleepless nights; my dead days sulks me more and more into loneliness and my body goes warmer in fever with all this ever since the day you left me. I do not remember being normal anymore. I never understood loneliness so much ever before.

Sometimes I wish if there could be any way of hearing you without having to connect to your voice mail. Sometimes I wish if there could be any way I could feel you without letting you know ever about it. Sometimes I wish if all this was just bad a dream and I am going to truly smile as soon I wake up.

Every evening I close my eyes and imagine my life with you; I smile in that journey, I fight with you in that dream and I love you unconditionally like I have never before. Sometimes I wish if you had a bigger reason to leave me so abruptly right when I had surrendered the girl within me to you. Sometimes I wish if I could ever stop loving you.

An Unconventional Arrange Marriage Set Up

The day I convinced my mind for an arranged set up, I imagined a very convenient way to go about especially when love affair did not hold water. The day I convinced my mind to know someone completely new, I did not know I have taken the decision to experience the biggest gamble of relationship.

I did not think it would be difficult for me to express my real ‘self’ before because words always made it possible for me; I did not think it would be a task for me to understand someone because it is ‘listening’ that upgrades my learning everyday. I did not take time to make friends and while I ticked on every such point, I was assured ‘arrange’ would not be such a big deal at all.

While faces can change and words may sound different in every rendezvous, what remains inconsistent is the feeling you get for each of them. I realized that out of the countless you meet; it is only with few you can actually connect with.

I showed thumbs up to this concept hoping to really like the person I eventually get hooked up to because I know love takes time. While it is too easy to hold numerous meetings with one; it is our heart that can make us feel meetings to be interesting or boring.

While it is too easy to have intelligent conversations with one; it is the call from our heart that eventually attracts us towards them. While it is too easy to evaluate someone according to our priorities and behavior; it is our heart that makes us feel love for them.

I cannot fake liking; I cannot fake concern; I cannot fake my feelings and while more or less some people are fine, I do not know to say a ‘yes’ because I am nowhere remotely attracted towards them.

Often when we receive care from the person; we start to value the feelings they hold towards us. Funny isn’t it, when people evaluate you on your every reaction trying to conclude the image of your character in their mind?

Your heart is too closed and does not feel anything for specific people and their reciprocation is too evaluating in nature, leaving no scope for any emotional connection at all.

While the people I connect with emotionally do not turn out to be secure mentally and the ones I do not connect with on that level are the ones I end up feeling like a good old buddy, and having any such thought will be an absolute unacceptable gesture.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Solitude

Sometimes you neither feel emptiness within you nor silence; you neither recall the morning nor the moment before you sleep off. Tears no more have a role to play and laughter seems long forgotten. There neither is any hope nor any energy to see one.

Sometimes there are some people who become a part of your routine and they are in your every activity of the day. Life takes a pause when your chores do not leave you, but people who were part of it do. Isn’t it strange, how you still hear them tease you?

You never realize that silence with them is making you break into parts; and these pieces scattered and lost, never willing to come back to you ever again.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

5th June 2010

Disturbing nights are not the ones when you see your love going away from you in a nightmare; but it is when he loves you unconditionally in the dream even though he is nowhere around you in real. Distressful sleep is not when you wake up once or twice in fear after a ghostly nightmare; but it is when you wake up every hour with these jerks wanting to make yourself believe he has not left you. Funny isn’t it, the way our mind tries to make us believe in a lie in the middle of the night; innocently wanting us to sleep in peace for few more hours before the bright day light exposes us to the bitter reality.

Sometimes people we truly love and care for surprise us with their decisions and despite hours of crying, the next day you still cannot believe it happened. Funny isn’t it, the way our heart loves them so madly that even our mind chooses to not believe the reality.

Sometimes we love someone so much that on one hand we want them to give us one last chance for a mistake we are not aware of and on the other hand we choose to go quiet; making the act as less guilty as possible for them; making the departure as easy as possible for them. Funny isn’t it, the way our heart sulks making us forget to ask them for a long time the reason behind their action.

I long waited for the rains because monsoons make me want to smile from my heart. Funny isn’t it that on one hand my heart was shattered in pain, my eyes drenched in tears and on the other hand my mind was making me hear the sound of the first rain.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Running Away from the Unknown

I seek for noise in a pub than music hoping it will tranquilize my mind and I will be alas in a thoughtless state. I seek for darkness in the ambience than any light wanting to be lost in a place that cannot show me any way for one day. Spirit does not calm my nerves; larger circle of so called friends does not help me distract. I realize that at the end of the day, I am so lost in the thoughtless world that I only accumulate more emptiness within me. It is this moment that I ask, "What is that one thing that I do which truly makes me happy?". This is exactly the time when I can best describe what going blank is really about.

These hopeless hang outs only indicate escapism; and this escapism is something towards I still proclaim I am not aware of.

Someone who knows me in person went through this blog and he was amazed at my writing style. While he perceived me to be an extremely positive person which stands true in every sense, he wondered why the blend of such words on my blog.

I once again did not have an answer to his question and tried to close the topic by adding words that logically made no sense to me.

I live my life so consciously that I am in complete realization of my action, reaction and the decision that goes behind it. I would be the biggest liar if I say life has been cruel to me. While I know things around me are fine, there still is a void that keeps eating me from inside. Quest for this goes on!

Often in life we try hard to forget a tragic incident or a person whose memories will give us no happiness. In this trial, we consciously let the thing go; it however remains stored somewhere in our subconscious mind. Later in life you experience a strange vacuum within you and you cannot help but wonder what is it really that you are running away from.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

A Mistake

Every time you meet the wrong one who breaks your heart miserably, a loved one comes into your life and showers a ray of hope – telling you that whatever happens, happens for good and there’s a better person to come in your life; an angel as you may call, would be one day standing right before you.

Every time I fell for these words, I left my pessimism behind, tried not to generalize people, just simply gave one more chance for love to enter in my life. In vain, I realized either I always loved the wrong ones or I am too wrong in letting the right one to come in my life. The more I hoped to be optimistic towards relationships, the more I chose to question my decisions and improve in life for good.

Often we hope for that right one to come and every time we feel he’s the one, the next moment we are deceived. A relationship can never break because of a new girl friend in his life, but it does when she is able to offer him which you cannot. He leaves you not for another girl, but because you cannot give him what he desires. At the end, it’s fair for both of you.

All these years I introspected every day of my life, evaluating every action and reaction of mine; felt guilty when I chose to be plainly arrogant with someone nice; felt good and yet stayed quiet when I realized I contributed to a good gesture. Eventually, I uplifted in my own eyes for having committed least sins; for never cheating on anyone.

Today an angel stands right before me and while I was too busy brooding over past and being involved in materialistic world, I did not realize even his shadow around me. Today he opens his arms towards me and I hug him with love in my heart, yet never letting my soul love him the way I learnt of love in my life. Today, I break his trust in me, walking on the path where I have no reasoning for my action. Today I committed a sin which I thought was never a part of me.

I realize that it is never any greatness that made me to stay away from sins; it simply is my cowardice to never have enough courage to answer to the person within me. If there’s anyone who can truly destroy me; who can punish me; who can make me feel miserable about my actions; who can make my soul feel dead, then it simply is me.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Being You

I give maximum hours of my life working for a company which means nothing to me as soon as I get back home. I give to it my patience; I give my calmness; I give my respect and at the end of the day I am left with none of it. Routinely, I surrender myself in dark trying to look for peace in my silence.

Most problems do not occur to us because we are good or bad human beings to people; most problems occur to us when there is a big difference between what we truly are and what we show to people. People never leave us for what we are; people leave us for the way we are to them.

Arguments do not take place because there is difference of opinion; arguments take place because one does not wish to listen to another. People never fight with us because they think we did wrong to them; people fight with us because there is a big difference in what we gave to them and what they expected from us.

Often I wonder how many people I have disappointed in life and the word infinite says it all. Some experiences are bitter and to not have them repeated in our life we choose to react differently from the way we are. Most blunders happen when we do not understand who deserves to know the real person within us and who deserves to know the person we are to the majority world.

These bitter experiences with some people; this immune reaction of ours before most people and yet shouts this craving to express and live the way we truly are.

Most complications to living life do not occur because of the bad experiences we had; most complications to living life occur when we lose too much faith in people to show them what we truly are.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Law of Attraction

Suffocation starts to build up when for the whole of your life you have curbed your desires and have set a rule for each of them. Every time I let my feeling out, I think more of the consequence than the desire; every time I wish to set my soul free, I am assured my conscience would not let me survive in peace the next day. Sometimes I wonder if what keeps us away from expressing our feeling is conscience or values and the time I use the word ‘values’, I feel I am taking support of few words most Indians use when they do not have an answer to the situation and end up backing it up in the name of Indian culture.

Sometimes I wonder what is so wrong in getting just attracted to someone and feeling the moment; sometimes I ponder if every time I curb it, am I doing it purely for myself or am I too scared to be answerable to anyone in future. Some times I think if I am doing it to save my self from any guilt the next day and choose to be in peace or if I am saving it for ‘the one’ who is meant to be. The more I think, the more I become alien to the situation.

Love is important and no attraction can prolong without love being into it; to love means to give great amount of your ‘self’ to ‘the one’. I do not express myself before people because I do not want them to know the ways they can hurt me. The more I become mysterious to them, the more they try to read me.

I have had ample of words, and a variety of combinations of these words that have helped me to express my emotions. Today I have gone too deep in my emotions that I feel words do not justify them anymore; that they do not bring forward the exact feeling I go through.

Today I have reached a stage where I fall short of words to even explain things to myself.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Silent Emotions

Sometimes I stare blankly at my television giving an impression to people around me that I am just fine. Often I evade eye contact with them just to escape from their query of concern.

I often choose silence before my loved ones because I do not want them to know how much faith I have lost in life. I detach my emotions from my friends because I do not want to pass on my negativity into their life. I deny talking to myself because I do not want to make myself aware of the extent to which I am broken from within.

I silent myself before people who love me and I am in no position to trust people who do not love me. I stay quiet to gossips around me; I stay quiet to complaints of people; I wish that just for one day life decides to leave me alone and I can choose to do what I want to do; I can choose to be how I want to be. Today amidst everything I have forgotten the way to my life.

The more I appear stronger to people in real life; the more my weakness gets apparent here; the more people are scared of me in real life; the more I express here how detached I want to be from their emotions. Today I do not know how I started with in life; if I was better than this or have I become stronger in real life to handle it all.

The only way I get to know how far I have come in emotions; the only way I get to read me is when I am here. My blog lets me be.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Love

Sometimes you explore the most pure emotions within you in an age when every one around you is waiting to tell you how momentary they are. While I was too busy in believing their words, I never realized when these emotions chose to be a part of me and one fine day decided to get out of me leaving me completely changed. It was the day when you came into my life; it was the time when we thought we are in love.

I knew you before I even knew of emotions like love or hatred; I knew you before I even understood the difference between right and wrong; I knew you before I even knew myself. Sometimes when you know someone too well, it becomes difficult for you to pretend before them that you are buying their lie; it becomes difficult to pretend you don’t know what they are doing. It was the day when you silently decided to fall in love with someone else.

Sometimes you are so much in love that you choose to give them their time to explore what they really want and let yourself watch this in silence, gulping every tear that leaves you suffocated. It did not break me when you hid her from me; it broke me when she aggressively revealed her existence in your life to me. It was the day when you chose to not believe me.

Sometimes you go so quiet that you detach your conscience from speaking to you. You are most alone not when people go from your life; you are alone when you deny talking to yourself.

I have seen you change from teenage to adolescence and from adolescence to adulthood; you grew up with me and no one can know us better. It was the day when you wanted to be my friend once again.

Sometimes you disbelieve so much in feelings which on one hand make you to feel its love and on the other hand forces you to think it is infatuation. Sometimes you choose to never feel anything even remotely close to it that you even disregard the slight hope of love entering in your life. It was the day when work helped me to ignore you.

When the more I did not want to see you; the more you tried getting back to me. When the more I chose to hid those strong emotions within me, the more you saw it through me. Sometimes they know you so well that you cannot pretend you do not love them anymore. It was the day when you found out I still love you. It was the day when you forced me to meet you.

Sometimes you become too busy finding your ways to avoid facing someone you love the most. I did not take your call for the whole day; I did not answer your messages for the forthcoming days. I realized my feelings for you grew stronger with each coming day and I could not anymore wear the mask. It was the day when I got a call from a friend saying you have left me forever.

Seeing you lie in front of me with your eyes closed, I wondered if you would ever get up and make me believe it is a prank; if you would ever tell me it was just your way to get me to meet you. The more close I got to you; the more I tried to absorb the fragrance of your body; recaping every little memory that went with you - from your silly attempts of building a car out of the sand on the shore to the funny faces you made just to make me smile.

As I sat down I waited for my one last hope that you will now get up. I touched your feet and it made realize that this is the last time I am touching you.


Sometimes you explore the most profound emotions within you in an age when you never believe it can ever be a part of you. While I was too busy in protecting myself from getting hurt, I never realized that this very act will leave me hurt forever.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Freedom to the Soul

Time takes a pause as I stand on this cliff to feel my life,
This journey of reincarnation begins for me as I placidly close my eyes
I hear the music of sea waves; I let the wind caress my hair,
I breathe the air of peace and absorb more life into me
Aura of purity unmasks every layer that I wear
And with every unveiling, this defeat from human life I joyfully declare

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Acceptance

It is simple to disregard someone’s thought and argue over it for all of your life. Often the time we hear anything extremely different from the way we think and contradictory to ours, we are filled with instantaneous negative reactions and our act is then to convince them with all our words on what we think over it. Funny isn’t it, this whole game of changing someone’s thoughts and opinions and making it more and more convenient for us to be able to survive with them.

I wonder sometimes what is so difficult to understand that we all have been brought up in different environments and culture; that we all have had different experiences in life; that we have exposed ourselves to different sources of information, be it the kind of books we read, the sort of movies we watch. We are all different from each other in some ways; we all are different from each other in many ways and I guess that is what makes conversations so interesting.

Someone said a very beautiful thing to me yesterday, "The best thing is to accept people as they are, if they really like you and you like them, you BOTH will change little".

I was not stranger to similar words; I was not completely unaware to this intention in his words; but he was a person with a simple heart who effortlessly conveyed the most insightful thing to me and I could not believe that learning could be so easy.

We cannot always desire for someone to be just like us and expect better understanding; it is only when we find in that someone a person we always wanted to be, then can we truly grow in them; it is only when we find someone who does things we always longed to do, then can we truly find happiness with them.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

The Alarm of Life: Don't Snooze! :)

It takes less than a second for one to react furiously and just a few more seconds to react cordially. It takes less than a minute to say no to a beloved who wishes to spend time with you and a few more minutes to prioritize and re-work your schedule. It takes less than an hour to delegate a task to someone and just a few more hours to make them understand your requirement.

It is only when we decide patience to travel in our mind that it can reduce the time taken for anger to subside and calmness to settle. When our attitudes work on impulse, we leave little scope for some thinking to happen. It is when our so called “mood” starts to act fickle frequently that the world around us starts to get intimidated by our unpredictable reaction. Welcome then yourself to detachment and aloofness because you are distancing people from your life.

You egoistically hurray to this as you realize the progress of lesser bondage, but more than what others get from you; it is what you eventually get from all this -just more detest today toward relationships and tomorrow aggravating venom running in your mind, body and eventually soul.


A wise stranger once told me, “Keep the faith” and despite the recurrent mishaps, these three words which I once chose to outcast from my mind, continued to impact positively in every ultimate decision of my life.


Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Being me !

Sometimes you are so used to being strong that you forget someone deep within you is feeling suffocated by your laughter. The time you realize the existence of that suffocation, every thing else around you starts to get messed up! The louder I laugh with all my honesty, the more the person within me suffocates. And I realize the pain it goes through when I cry from my heart.

Being vulnerable makes people take you for a ride, and being strong makes people think you are too practical. I realize this dilemma when I find no words to tell someone how I am. Most of the times my confusion messes it all and people tend to form an opinion completely new to me.

The more I feel 'words' help me to express myself, the more I experience having people who cannot understand them. The more people think of me to be intelligent, the more I feel they would not bear my heavy talks for long. The more I hear advices that I already know of, the more I feel I am making myself appear way too weak.

I am too habituated to expressing myself in a way which most of the people find creative or some intelligent combination of words. Every time someone thinks of me to be ‘Creative’ I feel I have lost the ability to sound and appear normal.

I do not display my creativity when I say what I feel; I am not writing any poetry when I express what deeply hurts me. But every time someone ‘Wow’s’ when I express, i am assured they saw the poet in me and not the girl in me.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Am I Pretty?

Starring blankly at her wardrobe,
She shuffles her clothes messily,
And as every dress imagined fails,
She detaches each of them hopingly

Red makes her look fat
Black makes her look darker
Yellow looks stretched from her belly
And orange outcasts her unsurprisingly

She walks through the gate of her school
Blind to people coming in her way
Deaf to words of absolute dismay
She walks shamefacedly to her classroom
Ignoring every giggle during the day
Escaping every comment on her way

Every time he passes by, she calms her nerves
And with this feeling of being unnoticed
It confirms she is not allowed to love

She’s teased on Tuesday
She’s bullied on Wednesday
She’s gossiped about in history
She’s a butt of jokes in geometry

Hurriedly she rushes in her room
Holding god’s idol tightly, she cries so miserably
Tell me why didn’t you make me beautiful?

Every day’s hurt makes you numb
Tears only give birth to self pity
This lesson from life one day everyone learns

Enough! She shouts; enough to this stout!
She reads, she observes
She unlearns, she learns
Her wisdom so evidently pronounced

People genuinely sing ‘Lala!’ to looks just once
But if you sing bad intellectually
Then eventually these are the ones who quietly shun

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Work- Life Imbalance

You stay quiet every time a thing gets most intolerable and you know no word from your end is going to calm you from within. You leave one job and jump to another aspiring to shift your learning curve and every time you feel you are capable of a lot more.

As you become true to yourself of your behavior and attitude, you start to know more of people. And when the world starts to look ugly, you curse your ability to judge people around you. When world starts to become too easy to understand, you wonder why as a kid you never realized how peaceful life was then.

You are not yourself when at work because you have to be calm and patient when situation most demands an emotional outburst. You have to be polite with people who do not respect anyone around them.

You are not yourself when you are home. Your mind most demands you to vent out your deeply concealed frustration. You stay quiet in order to avoid hurting your loved ones. You later disconnect yourself from these people by going off to sleep.

As days pass, you continue to give home to this venom in your body and tears conveniently handicap itself from this situation. Once in this period you lose one good relationship and your preoccupied mind just does not understand how to save this relationship.

You do not dislike yourself because you have to be pretentious; you do not dislike yourself because you stayed quiet in every intolerable situation; you dislike yourself because you let a loved one go away from your life.

Written by Vrushali Deshpande

Love

Profound thoughts expressed in easy words
This intense happiness I experience every hour
One day time decided to just have a baulk
As I blankly stared at my hour less clock

Sun hid from me its darker shade
It surprised me one day with its deceitfulness
And as the sky dressed itself in the darker color
I deeply regretted my inept power

I absent myself from these changing times
As I salsa to your music of love
Oh! How it all feels so right
When every time my sleep evades this full moon night

written by vrushali deshpande